#1
so many thanks to the people who commented my last piece. i feel like an idiot now, you all inspired me to try again, and so here we are. first piece out of a six month or so block. this is everything that's been plaguing me for god knows how long. crit for crit. oh, and leave a link, yah?

brighter days hang delicate

the sky is a roof and a rug for me to slip between.
the air up here comes into me clear and comes out in colour,
pale and dissonant, like faded calligraphy on a crumbling headstone.
smoke-rings leap into the wind and i watch,
if only to see them dissipate and snake into the endless grey.
this emptiness, this decay pours through me in cycles
ethereal and condemning, bare-toothed and violent,
to surely cast me into a ravine so black and barren
that i will not see but for the holy light of decadence
and i will not hear but for the voice that picks me up
and leads me to grace.

but in this moment
i am burning brighter than the stars
and the flames that lick flesh on a campfire pyre.
i am a beacon and the world is straining towards me, snuffer poised.
to drift without fear of control;
it comes into my mind and echoes.
the ocean below is concrete, seething and bursting,
waiting to swallow me whole.
‘apocalyptic.’ i roll the word off my lips and it steals from me
and towards another, perhaps,
to be breathed in and out with the same sense of wonder.

the rain is caught, tangled. it reaches for me like a lighthouse reaches for ships.
cacophonic, thunderous.
i am flailing arms across my face, soaking, loose-footed, stumbling -
thrown to the wicker floor.
i am staring into the torch of life and the hands that cup it.

i) i am falling, the wind cutting through my lungs
and tearing at my skin.

swirling down into the abyss.
i am semi-conscious or unconscious, spiraling.
the horizon covers me like a patchwork quilt,
and amongst all those shades of black and grey;
blue. momentary and tiny, but blue.

ii) i am floating without a ground to fall to.

- the sky is a roof and a rug,
and i will leap towards the beauty of the unknown.
my final breath is the gasp of wonderment or the sigh of nothingness.
i have never felt more alive.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Sep 26, 2008,
#2
So...this is a poem, right?

Or a very sporadic song...


It's a nice read, regardless.
#3
It's a poem, but I've been fiddling around with a chord progression. Obviously I'd have to change certain parts to be sung, so I don't really know just yet.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
-Scared to post in own thread again-
Um yeah, size 1 is just me. I'm not sure why I do it. I just like it. I feel it matches the tonality of the piece in most cases, and I prefer not to shove my words right out there in massive font.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
i thought that was great.
i loved the detailed imagery you used. it really managed to paint visuals in my mind, which imo makes for a great read. i especially loved the opening stanza, i thought it opened the poem in a very strong fashion which was continued throughout.
good work (even if i did need my glasses to read it ).
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
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#7
Quote by Snowblind 911
so many thanks to the people who commented my last piece. i feel like an idiot now, you all inspired me to try again, and so here we are. first piece out of a six month or so block. this is everything that's been plaguing me for god knows how long. crit for crit. oh, and leave a link, yah?

brighter days hang delicate

the sky is a roof and a rug for me to slip between.
the air up here comes into me clear and comes out in colour,
pale and dissonant, like faded calligraphy on a crumbling headstone.
smoke-rings leap into the wind and i watch,
if only to see them dissipate and snake into the endless grey.
this emptiness, this decay pours through me in cycles
ethereal and condemning, bare-toothed and violent,
to surely cast me into a ravine so black and barren
that i will not see but for the holy light of decadence
and i will not hear but for the voice that picks me up
and leads me to grace.

The last three lines worked wonderfully but the rest dragged on a bit. There wasn't really a true point. I think these ideas would have worked if they're spread to other stanzas to create an overall effect because as it is, it's not really working.

but in this moment
i am burning brighter than the stars
and the flames that lick flesh on a campfire pyre.
i am a beacon and the world is straining towards me, snuffer poised.
to drift without fear of control;
it comes into my mind and echoes.
the ocean below is concrete, seething and bursting,
waiting to swallow me whole.
‘apocalyptic.’ i roll the word off my lips and it steals from me
and towards another, perhaps,
to be breathed in and out with the same sense of wonder.

I thought this would have made a more effective starting stanza. But anyway, I didn't really like the word "snuffer" here, it just didn't sound right. But still everything felt too overly poetic in a sense that as a reader I don't think I'm trying enough to participate; the piece isn't really including me, so far.

the rain is caught, tangled. it reaches for me like a lighthouse reaches for ships.
cacophonic, thunderous.
i am flailing arms across my face, soaking, loose-footed, stumbling -
thrown to the wicker floor.
i am staring into the torch of life and the hands that cup it.

I wasn't really a fan of the "light house" analogy; much too vague and cliche. Everything else felt a bit off but that last line was wonderful and i thought it really strengthened this piece. You should probably get rid of "Cacophonic", or find a better derivative.

i) i am falling, the wind's cutting through my lungs
and tearing at my skin.

swirling down into the abyss.
i am semi-conscious or unconscious, spiraling.
the horizon covers me like a patchwork quilt,
and amongst all those shades of black and grey;
blue. momentary and tiny, but blue.

Abyss is a very over-used word. This didn't do it for me neither, again too overly poetic. The last line here, as well, helped strengthen this but your ideas are getting too heavily drowned by the amount of metaphors you're trying to give off at once.

ii) i am floating without a ground to fall to.

- the sky is a roof and a rug,
and i will leap towards the beauty of the unknown.
my final breath is the gasp of wonderment or the sigh of nothingness.
i have never felt more alive.

This was solid. You finally brought your idea across but I think some patching-up is needed for this to truly become "the closure". So far it's been like "I know it's the end but what am i missing?" or something of that extent.


You've a jumbled up piece here and with a little bit of "smoothing" and editing I think you'll have yourself an awesome piece; it has potential!

Take care my friend.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 26, 2008,
#8
**** everyone.

This is the most beautiful piece of work I have read in the past three years.

I ****ing love you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
Yeah, theres no rhyme structure, so youd have to fix that up for a song. Looks great though. Nice imagery.
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#12
Quote by culex-knight
**** everyone.

This is the most beautiful piece of work I have read in the past three years.

I ****ing love you.


This.
#13
I love your writing style nate, i really do. You always create amazing imagery and atmosphere, i enjoy reading your work. however, as bleed away ( name?) said this felt too over the top at parts. you have all these great imagery, similes, metaphors etc. sometimes making the reader get lost between them. its hard keeping track of all of it. it seems that most of it its just there to make the piece look pretty, i know its probably not, but thats just the impression i got from it.

the air up here comes into me clear and comes out in colour,
pale and dissonant, like faded calligraphy on a crumbling headstone.
imo, pale and dissonant doesn't really fit with the headstone comparison. I didn't really mind at first, but after reading it a few times it bothered me. just pointing that out.

i also didn't like the abyss/im falling part, its overdone, and I feel that it doesn't really add to the piece either. i liked the momentary blue line though.
the last stanza was nice, it sort of made your message clearer, but after i read it it made me question if everything id just read was really necesarily. as in, will it had been different if I had just read the ending and skipped the rest? idk, i'm probably missing something. sorry if im being harsh.
You have a great vocabulary and a great way to say things, this just needs some cleaning up here and there and you have yourself a solid piece.
still, nice read.
#14
Quote by NICK.IS.SICK
Yeah, theres no rhyme structure, so youd have to fix that up for a song. Looks great though. Nice imagery.


Not all songs require a rhyme structure. Also, it could be almost spoken with chords in the background.


Anyway, on the piece, I love it, you have a fantastic way of saying things.