#1
it was poison.

she loved to hold her cigarettes
like the woman you'd imagine
blackmailing your marriage with.
red dress
black dress
i ain't got no money left
i ain't got no money left
she told me her mom would
help us out
if i lay the pipe to her well enough.
Mr. Mother Fucker
and Mrs. Money Lover -
i wonder if she'll take my last name.

we were 3 months in;
shit in a ditch;
bitchy drunken fits;
puttin on the ritz
in a Motel 6.
she broke down
and told me about her father.
he'd come home from work
when she was younger,
and throw his empty beer bottles
at her beautiful
little head.

she cried for sometime,
then fell asleep.

i laid down,
still drunk, thinking
i'd like to punch him in his cocksucker
till his motherfucker bleeds.
the next day we woke up
and robbed a Good-Will;
laughing laughing
screaming
crying.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 24, 2008,
#2
This dragged just a bit in the middle. like the end of the first stanza and the end of the second stanza. It just seemed a bit exhausted in those points, like you could have shortened up the ideas just a bit.

I really liked this a lot though. Last 5 lines were gold, as was the "I wonder if she'll take my last name" bit.

Thanks for the honest comment on Prayer. I have anotehr one up, trying a new style.... thoughts appreciated as there seems to be some different opinions about it.


EDIT: I also thought the intro was just a tad weak. It just didn't have the same feel as the rest, it was too grounded and tangible... mostly just that first line; the rest was good. Soemthing about it didn't resonate well with me
#3
I didn't like it when the rhyme/ish continued AAAAA.

I thought the rest of it was brilliant and if my brain ever stops dying I'll be back. On reading it over a few times I don't think there's anything I'd change & it resonates with the mood I'm in a lot.

EDIT: i know i didn't say much but i'd love a crit on my new piece if you have the time.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 24, 2008,
#4
i thought 4 rhymes was excessive. 3 was perfect.

this was absolutely gorgeous writing. gotta echo zach - the last 5 lines were gold.
#5
thank you guys for the comments, i believe i've returned each one promptly.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
This hits more close to home than I usually like to admit, and I say that openly because this little ditty you've got here could be a timeline of a night and a day in the life, and that's really eerie, but I really like it. It's egoist and it's up front and to the point, not watered down from that moment in which you're laying on the bed, drunk, thinking about her dad and every son of a bitch that has ever wronged her and you, and what you'd do to them if just...

I'm really enjoying your writing, my friend.
#7
i greatly appreciate and highly regard your opinion Spike.
thanks again.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
it was poison.

she loved to hold her cigarettes
like the woman you'd imagine
blackmailing your marriage with.
red dress
black dress
i ain't got no money left
i ain't got no money left
the full-line repeat feels uncomfortable
maybe repeat just the last two or three words?

she told me her mom would
help us out
if i lay the pipe to her well enough.
Mr. Mother Fucker
and Mrs. Money Lover -
i wonder if she'll take my last name.

we were 3 months in;
shit in a ditch;
the repetition of in
is distracting.
but you're kinda stuck with that, using those expressions.
i wonder if transplanting we were to the second line, would soften this.

bitchy drunken fits;
puttin on the ritz
in a Motel 6.
-itch, -its, itz, ix.
imperfect rhymes, but it works for me.

she broke down
and told me about her father.
he'd come home from work
when she was younger,
and throw his empty beer bottles
at her beautiful
little head.

she cried for sometime,
nice ambiguity with this,
uncertain if she's crying atm for that previous "sometime",
or crying for an undetermined time.

then fell asleep.

i laid down,
still drunk, thinking
i'd like to punch him in his cocksucker
till his motherfucker bleeds.
the vulgarity has lost much of it's effect by this point.
the next day we woke up
and robbed a Good-Will;
laughing laughing
doubling-up works for the visual on the page,
but not-so-much for the actual read.
i'd break this into two lines
and sacrifice the visual
or find a different word to pair with laughing.

screaming
crying.


yeah, i was being a bit picky about a few things.
dunno why. this will never really be a knock-out.
just a moment you enjoy being in on, then move on.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
I don't have anything else to say on this that hasn't already been delved into by SYK, and co. I will say that I loved your continuing rhymes, they were very clever and far too intuitive to ignore and to dislike.
Your ending was fantastic. Another score for the Otto's!
#10
thanks guys.
i'll be getting to yours today, Dan.
post something soon, SYK;
do it for the children.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
I believe you've edited it.

I like it much more now.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
Hmm... I'm not sure how to truly grasp this Bukowski meets classic Kent ordeal except maybe you shouldn't type the way you did in the first few lines of second stanza. Apart from that I don't think I have much to say about negativity or how to help. I must say I liked the flow and the use of rhyme for emphasis. Yeah... nice work

I liked my friend.

THIS ISN'T A CRIT

just a bump