#1
I know I still owe some people. I'll try and get to them soon, I'm moving to uni atm, and my internet is a bit sporadic s'all.

A Perfect Ending

I don't want a million miles of sea,
because all those stories,
they always end in tragedy.
A little boy fishing by the docks
his body found crushed against the rocks,
a lover washed onto the shore,
another hero drowned on the ocean floor.
And these tales have told themselves before.
All I'm asking for, is a happy ending,
one that never ends at all.
#3
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
put it away, in your "completed in perfection" pile, right after you send it to be framed in a cloth-sewn disney tragedy film that upturns Titanic. Go ahead, put it there.
#5
i concur with Spike.
put it there, now.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
spike thanks, that's one of the best crits i think i've gotten!
thanks to the rest of you guys too, i didn't think this would be so well received.

i know i still owe a few people some crits. provided my internet lasts longer than 5 minutes at a time, i'll try and get to them tonight.
#7
This is lovely mate. For a start, I didn't like the rhyming and the simple, overused 'sea' idea, but when I read it properly and noticed the wonderful ending, my mouth just went.... 'awwwwwwwwwww'.
How sweet is this poem? It feels so honest and innocent.
Gorgous writing. The best from you in a long time.

This has got so much character, anyone can love it and adore its simplicisty, thats why, I reckon anyway, its so well received and adored.

Don't worry if you can't get to mine, I critique this because I loved it, not because I want it returned.

Digitally Clean
#8
thanks goldfish.

i think i've got back to most people now, admittedly some are probably quite shoddy crits. i still owe katherine and goldfish one or two, and probably one or two more peeps. i'll be sure to get to most of your next ones or one i haven't seen to yet, thanks again to all of you.
#9
I too was initially bothered by the rhyming. But as soon as i finished i went, "Oh My God". I'm struggling for some criticism here. Umm...Nope, i've come up empty. "perfection" sounds to weak and cliched for this. Instead i will say this, this is the first post i've read today (i'm well into the twenties) that actually made me stop and reread it. In fact, i think i'llr ead it a few more times. Thank you for brightening my day. NOw, if you could please help out a badly out of form writer, i will worship u. link in my sig
#10
I think I missed the punch.
I disliked the the almost choking use of commas.
I think you just scraped the surface of the emotional impact this could have had.
I don't feel that you felt what you were writing - or, if you did, it's almost as if your inspiration touched you that deeply that to you at least, it resonated endlessly through the words, however, it did not resonate strongly enough for me.
I realise I am providing two polar opposites, but I am just going off the thoughts that struck me.
And with that, I bid you good day.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.