#1
In the main corridor there are two tables;
one’s too small and
one’s too big,
they’re where they send the crazy kids
when they start to punch
and scream
and kick.
When they’re cracking and
when they break,
because
the big big school’s too full
of a craziness
they can’t take.

So crazy kid sits
and thinks things through,
knowing exactly what he’s done wrong.
Tiring of the thought
of the time that’s left
and what’s been wrong all along.

Ofsted man comes and chats,
lets crazy kid know
he’s a new member of staff.
He’s here if he wants to talk
cause that’s what he’s good at.

Crazy kid’s soul hides
behind a momentary laugh and a
childish cough.
Turns crazy man away to prey
on another crazy kid.
Crazy man says okay
and buggers off.

Crazy kid commits suicide
at the age of twenty-five.
He’s had an early mid-life crisis
from having to work
with the non-crazy kids.
Dies lying in his sick
in drug-induced shock,
because he could never get the money
to bugger off.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 25, 2008,
#2
Interesting. I like the two "bugger" off lines, but instead of "never could get the money" I'd maybe go with something a bit more vauge, such as "never had the means" or, better yet "was too crazy to bugger off" or something along those lines to continue with the whole "crazy" theme. "never had the money" really seems out of place. you're introducing a new problem and ending with it. did he kill himself because he was poor? or because he was crazy and was tired of people's bullshit?

Also, try to find a way to say "commits suicide" without being that blatant. If anything, just scrap it entirely and start the last stanza/verse like this...

Crazy kid had a mid-life crisis
at the age of twenty-five.
from having to work
with the non-crazy kids...


(I took out the "early" in that first line because by saying that it happened at 25 it already implies that it's early)

Crazy kid’s soul hides
behind a momentary laugh and a
childish cough.


^ I dig that line.
#3
i really liked this. there was an underlying childish-ness (i know, terrible wording) which opened up the character to me. i thought that made the piece really effective. i was trying to think how to suggest improvements but i'm not sure there are many to be made. i really loved it. keep up the good work.
my dad works for ofsted
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#4
In the main corridor there are two tables;
immediately, i thought the opener was too plain
but once i moved forward, i realize setting a dry tone works well here.

one’s too small and
one’s too big,
i had a "Three Bears" moment
thanks for not having three tables.

they’re where they send the crazy kids
when they start to punch and scream
might be nice with and scream having it's own line.
and kick.
When they’re cracking and
when they break,
because
the big big school’s too full
how do you feel about repeating too the way you did big?
of a craziness
they can’t take.

So crazy kid sits
and thinks things through,
knowing exactly what he’s done wrong.
Tiring of the thought
of the time that’s left
and what’s been wrong all along.

Ofsted man comes and chats,
i have no clue about Ofsted. should I?
lets crazy kid know
he’s a new member of staff.
He’s here if he wants to talk
cause that’s what he’s good at.

Crazy kid’s soul hides
behind a momentary laugh and a
childish cough.
Turns crazy man away
to prey on another crazy kid.
Crazy man says okay
and buggers off.

Crazy kid commits suicide
at the age of twenty-five.
He’s had an early mid-life crisis
from having to work
with the non-crazy kids.
Dies lying in his sick
i found in his sick to be an amusing expression
the first half dozen times i'd seen it.
but it's getting stale.

in drug-induced shock,
maybe from instead of in to open this line.
because he could never get the money
to bugger off.



there are numerous instances where you use Crazy kid and Crazy man as names. it works, but it wears a bit by the end.
Meadows
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I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
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#6
frodoisdead: sorries, I think I hate your dad. Where's he work? *hides*

Cheers everyone, I've made one or two changes and will get to it more tonight.

SYK: ofsted are teh govt. school controllers. Google em.

Cheers Zach, I'd appreciate a listen to that song I posted some time too if you're not busy but I'm not that fussed.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by DigUpHerBones
frodoisdead: sorries, I think I hate your dad. Where's he work? *hides*
a lot of people would probably hate my dad it seems. he hates ofsted too, i don't think anyone can work there and enjoy the company.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#8
Not sure I like this. It reads like eating fish.

Too straightforward/band/meh/iunno. I'm not too fond of the content either, sorry.

Tu es meilleur que ceci.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
this reminded me a lot of that one you wrote after babysitting.
i enjoyed it and am really fond of your style of writing. the rhymes were handled really well.
while i'm struggling to point out specific things wrong with the writing (because i don't think there are any), at the end of the piece i didn't really get a strong sense of fulfillment, and it didn't leave much of a lasting impression. i think what SYK commented on the parts I particularly picked up on.

it's weird, i liked reading it, but it didn't stay with me.
sorry if this ain't helpful, i'll try and go more in-depth some other time, maybe over msn or something.
#10
Just when I thought you were repeating the word "crazy" too much, you actually did, and went ahead and overdid it, but it came off as brilliant, slightly ironic, and humorous.

The part in the intro with the two tables hooked me..i don't know why, but it gave me the incentive to read further.

I really liked it.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#11
There were times in this where I thought, yeah, I can dig this, but there were more times where I thought, maybe I'm reaching out at broken branches here, but I'm failing to see that she pulled off what I believe she was trying to convey. I've read this through a few times and its not the most easy on the ears and mouth. More flow would of given this a little more subtlety and ambiguouty. I can see the relevance and importance of remaining in a straight and blunt pathway, but a little poetic sweetness - like the last few lines and this line -
"Crazy kid’s soul hides
behind a momentary laugh and a
childish cough." - could of aided me in enjoying this piece.

I thought it was OK.

Digitally Clean
#12
There were bits and pieces (like the open two lines) where I thought the mystery really carried the piece well... but as a whole it was just a bit too blunt for your style to really carry through. You have a very mysterious poetic voice which makes even the mundane feel infinitely deep, so long as the content isn't roundhousing me in the face like Chuck Norris. Here, it was just a bit too blunt for me; not because I disapprove of blunt, but because it really counteracts the "special tone" your poetry always has.

First three lines of the next to last stanza really exemplifies the type of tone I love from you. After that though, the "crazy kid" thing just became mechanical and an exercise in overusing a originally witty idea; and crushing its spirit into a bloody pulp that a chipmunk would enjoy during the dead of winter. Whole first stanza was good, but after that it just started to drag... felt like you mashed a whole stick of butter on an inch of bread, as far as content. You used the same content over and over until it was just piling up and not spreading evenly anymore, so it came off clunky instead of smooth and tasty.


I commented in your thread about your song. If you feel up to it, a comment on one of my songs would be appreciated (specifically All in the Waiting or Ballroom Entrances).