#1
a throwing wave crash
water across faces breathing
in dark sea air
lost but not without hope
or a compass
not done yet
put muscle straining
lust when back in port
follow orders on deck
slippery boots
deckhand swab
straight water boughs every other second
one side of my face then the other
we're here together
follow orders
I know my craft well
heave ho in the metal and wood and the water
so black everything around me so black
but so loud
and it doesn't ever end
it doesn't ever end

the sun will play tricks on you
but it's the best at night
you'll soon find out
I live love the nights out at sea
on a large boat
tending to the direction of the sail
in the darkness
its as alive as I've ever felt
and when the sea is calm
it is like the best feeling I've ever had
in my life.
Last edited by parkt921k at Sep 25, 2008,
#2
I'm going to be brutally honest with you. The lack of punctuation killed this dead. I don't quite know what the plan was, or what effect you were going for, but it crushed everything that this piece could have been. And it's a shame, because from what I can gather, this might have been your best piece yet as far as content. I'd really like to see this edited, because I'm practially wrestling this just reading it.

Speaking of content, I thought that the first paragraph didn't quite dwell on the character as much as it should have. The second paragraph is a good set of bones to wrap the piece up and finalize the character, but I don't quite see the personality yet. I'd like to see the experiences at the sea be put parallel to what the main character doesn't like about land (at least I think I've got the subject).

If you edit this, keep it as prose, or just really loose freeform. This can't be held by rhythm, in my opinion.
#3
punctuate.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
Quote by parkt921k
a throwing wave crash
water across faces breathing
in dark sea air
lost but not without hope
or a compass
not done yet
put muscle straining
lust when back in port
follow orders on deck
slippery boots
deckhand swab
Everything up until the next line is mindless meandering. I can't concentrate enough to gather any serious thoughts together, it feels like a bunch of comparisons and thoughts, imagining senarios on boats and decking folding over and blah blah blah, thats all. When I read it, I just went... grrr... quickly followed by blah blah blah.
straight water boughs every other second
one side of my face then the other
we're here together
follow orders
I know my craft well
heave ho in the metal and wood and the water
so black everything around me so black
but so loud
and it doesn't ever end
it doesn't ever end
I'm starting to feel something here in these dozen or so lines, its well written and the lack of punctuation works well. I love your style of writing, your very honest and humble and it reflects in your writing, but I think you may of gone too far with this one, in the honesty and rambling stakes. Its just too daft.

the sun will play tricks on you
but it's the best at night
you'll soon find out
This line ruins the preceding two fantastic lines.
I live love the nights out at sea
on a large boat
tending to the direction of the sail
Nice, but the feeling of sickness reading this is too overwhelming. Sea sickness is very unpleasant and it doesn't do any wonders to yourself by trying to recreate that sensation in uncontrolled, unbottled, quivering sentements.
in the darkness
its as alive as I've ever felt
and when the sea is calm
it is like the best feeling I've ever had
in my life.


The ending has a cool childish vibe to it, almost like a kids first voyage out into the Blue.
Apart from a couple of cool lines and sweet, tender imagery, this is succumbed by meadering rivers full of vomit, from kids who ate too much chocolate.
It was good to read, but only because I really admire you as a writer.

Digitally Clean