#1
Work in progress...Crit 4 Crit

No matter how hard I try I can never seem to prepare
Each time it happens the pain just gets worse
Violence and hate, it thrives everywhere
In the darkness and death It's hard to see the light

I've been sober for six months now, and I ain't ever going back
Focusing on my future, gonna stay on track
The darkest days are in the past now
And I can finally see the light

I've left that life behind me, I'm comin' clean
It's time to turn to my life around
It's time to break free
I'm comin' clean...

This goes out to all my friends who didn't make it through
If I could change the past it would be me not you
The memories we shared I will cherish til the end
You'll be in my heart til my dying breath

End for now...
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#2
Not bad...simple, but straight to the point and raw!
This is good for the style and genre and its obviously dealing with issues that many can relate to so yeah....its good!
You shud definately finish it off cos its got real potential for a punk song if you ask me!
I only got 1 song up here....appreciate it if you'd take a look!
#3
Quote by Descendent-182
Work in progress...Crit 4 Crit

No matter how hard I try I can never seem to prepare
Each time it happens the pain just gets worse
Violence and hate, it thrives everywhere
In the darkness and death It's hard to see the light
really dig the last line here, the rest is kinda eh

I've been sober for six months now, and I ain't ever going back
Focusing on my future, gonna stay on track
The darkest days are in the past now
And I can finally see the light
i like where you're coming from with this, good message

I've left that life behind me, I'm comin' clean
It's time to turn to my life around
It's time to break free
I'm comin' clean...
seems like it could be mega-catchy

This goes out to all my friends who didn't make it through
If I could change the past it would be me not you
pretty deep
The memories we shared I will cherish til the end
You'll be in my heart til my dying breath

End for now...



very simple, to the point, but effective, nice job

take a look at mine?
thanks-Matlock
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=965535
#5
Quote by Descendent-182
No matter how hard I try I can never seem to prepare A lot of words. Many, many syllables, which hurts the flow immensely. If you're looking to short it down - streamline it - I'd suggest to change to 'However hard I try' or something and 'I cannot seem to prepare'.
Each time it happens the pain just gets worse
Violence and hate, it thrives everywhere
In the darkness and death It's hard to see the light Overall, very strong stanza.

I've been sober for six months now, and I ain't ever going back Again, this is a lot of words. 'I've' can easily be cut, as can 'for'. The alliteration in replacing 'now' with 'straight' is then very tempting, but that's your choice.
Focusing on my future, gonna stay on track
The darkest days are in the past now The 'now' messes up the line - not flow-wise but lyrically. It seems to be a filler word, and it doesn't pull its own weight.
And I can finally see the light I don't like these last three lines - they're kinda cliché - especially 'I can finally see the light'. This stanza lacks punch.

I've left that life behind me, I'm comin' clean
It's time to turn to my life around
It's time to break free
I'm comin' clean... 'time to break free' seems a bit cliché. The entire chorus also seems to lack the massive punch your first stanza had.

This goes out to all my friends who didn't make it through
If I could change the past it would be me not you
The memories we shared I will cherish 'till* the end 'The memories we shared' seems awfully cliché.
You'll be in my heart 'till* my dying breath

End for now...


I know I've punked you for using clichés, but it really seems like you're trying to get around easy by using very cliché phrases.

I love the first verse. It's amazing and it shows how much better you can do than the next verses. Yes, it's darker, but it's also much stronger than the rest - especially the last line.

Basically, you start off very strong indeed, then kinda falter a bit. The song is good, but after seeing how much better you can do, I just have to beat you on your head for it.

I've done my best to rip this thing to shreds as that's how I'd like people to approach my pieces - if you don't feel the same way, I'm terribly sorry and please disregard this post. If you could return that favor to the song in my sig, however, I'd very much appreciate it.

*Small spelling/grammatical error fixed.
Last edited by AlienFinger79 at Sep 26, 2008,
#6
Its simple, catchy, and raw. Thats the mixture for a punk song right? And it has substance. Thats key ofcourse. Its not the most moving of lyrics but eh, I dunno man. I think it could turn out pretty kicka*s.
Im just about to post my own work in progress. its another punk song so youll probably like it more than most.