#1
i wrote this tonight. please comment?

to clarify i AM NOT a little emo kid, im just not feeling well.


Stare into these dead eyes,
and tell me there is light.
i'll know you're lying.
there's nothing left,
a cold empty shell.

In this abyss, it all fades,
as i walk through the black,
smog thickens in my lungs.
i cannot breathe, i dont want to anyways.

Take it from me,
take the feeling.
take this apathy,
I'll sit in a deep trance,
reminiscing of the times when i was alive,
because now im not.
**** it, i dont want to be anyways.

You can stole it.
you ripped it from my body,
in a frenzy of blood and gore.
im laying on the ground,
my insides exposed for the world to see,
i rot for you.

now while i stare at the night sky,
i can feel myself dissolving into the heavens.
Quote by rockybo
I'm making an igloo in my backyard later and smoking a bong in it.
#2
I edited your title for you, please read the rules before your next post in here.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
'there's nothing left,
a cold empty shell.'
Very cliché.
Stanza 2 doesn't flow (well, to me anyways, but you probably already have a rhythm in your head, right?).
Stanza 3 is mediocre.
Stanza 4 I LIKE. =D 'I rot for you' EPIC.
Except 'You can stole it.' Improper grammar.
The last 2 lines are pretty awesome too.
All in all, IT'S KICKASS. =)
#4
Sorry for the double post, but do you mind if I make a song with these lyrics?
I'll give you partial credit, of course.
...unless you already intended on doing so, in which case, have fun.
#5
it was a little boring. there wasn't much innovation or imagination really, i feel as though i've read about some black abyss a million times over.
i'd try and focus on writing something more creative. let your senses do more talking.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(