#1
Unremembered, but terrible dreams haunt his sleep
Wakes up sweat drenched, covered in blood
Sees a blade lying next to him,
Smiles, walks to the drawer
Takes out a toy and walks to the basement

Shuts the door, strikes a match
To light a candle,
Sits, absent mindedly opens the chamber
And pushes in one bullet
Spins the chamber and snaps it shut
Death seems to amuse him

Stares at the flame of the wick till his eyes begin to water,
Puts the gun to his temple
The cold steel sends a shiver down his spine
And before he knows, he pulls it
Click…
He smiles, one down, 5 to go.

Anything that has a beginning has an end
Playing Russian roulette with himself appeals to him
Thinks about death embracing him
As he pulls the trigger again
Click…
He smiles, 2 down, 4 to go

He gazes at his shadow,
Cast by the candle on the basement wall
Watches it dance as the flame flickers
And the dark fingers seem to pull the trigger on their own
Click…
He smiles, 3 down, 3 more to go

He savours the glory of being able to kill himself
Hoping that this would not be it,
That he would be able to enjoy it a little longer
He pulls the trigger,
Click…
4 down, 2 more to go

A buzz fills the inside of his head
Puts the gun down and walks to the corner,
To find a stash of weed
Smokes it all, tries to drown out the buzz in a high
It persists like a cyst

Undaunted and determined, he walks back
Takes the gun and pulls the hammer back
Leaves his fingers limp
Click…
5 down, 1 to go

As death seems inevitable now
He pulls out a cigarette and takes his last drag
Blows out the candle, and the glow of the cigarette lights up the floor
He smiles, as death calls out to him
He wraps his lips around the barrel and pulls
Click…

The game of life has just ended, and the dice have won.


leave a link if you want a crit
#2
I like the theme of death and the unknown back story of the knife (self-mutalation, murder. etc?) Whats with the toy? The mystery amused me

Maybe insted of toy you should say gun because I was confused. When you said absent mindedly pushes in a bullet it was really cool because I could picture the image of a lone person in a dark stone room with a lit candle and a gun. Very well done

The cold steel sends a shiver down his spine
And before he knows, he pulls it
Click…

for a second there I thought he was dead but I guess in the next stanza it explains the game of russsian roulette he is playing

Anything that has a beginning has an end


These lines are really good but seem cliche to me sorry man

This whole thing seems like a story and with each line it gets more intersting and the repition of the countdown was almost scary everytime I expected a line saying that he blew his brains out over the basement walls

A buzz fills the inside of his head
Puts the gun down and walks to the corner,
To find a stash of weed
Smokes it all, tries to drown out the buzz in a high
It persists like a cyst


Those lines seemed a bit weird and like they don't belong becuase now it just seems like he kills himself due to the high. not becuase of the mystery surrounding his situation reflected by the unseen in the basement (The darkness) ooooo its scary how i did that

The last part and the last line were so ****ing good the whole "death seems inevidable now" and "He smiles, as death calls out to him" and the line saying the dice have one was a great ending.

Overall impressions:

Very good work, I liked the themes of : Death, Mystery, and Odds.

I actually enjoyed reading this piece and it was the best thing I wrote all day.

My work is in my sig, if u do not mind will you crit the one with the words NEWEST beside it.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#4
Sorry for the double post, just been thinking loads since yesterday.

I actually agree with your comment on the part bout smoking weed and stuff. I tends to deviate from the main path of the song. However, "toy" is intentionally used instead of gun in the first verse, signifying that he doesnt think of a gun as a weapon of destruction, only as a toy, and handling one isnt new or exciting for him, just a normal everyday occurrence.
#6
dude, that had to be one of the most interesting lyrics I've ever seen. You kept me exited the whole time, three siggarettes went down my lungs as I slowly read and enjoyed your piece. It was so well put together man! the whole playing with death and the whole scary dark theme. But I was rather confused about the weed part. when I read that, I got a mental picture of a black man, sitting in hes basement in the ghetto and wanting to end it all, I'm sorry if its abit racist, but that was the mental picture I got from it. But all in all, one of the best reads I've had in a long time! You are really talented mate
#7
Very nice piece man It was really enjoyable to read.

It was verses like this one
Anything that has a beginning has an end
Playing Russian roulette with himself appeals to him
Thinks about death embracing him
As he pulls the trigger again
Click…
He smiles, 2 down, 4 to go


that kept me interested the whole time. Im still pondering the meaning of all of it. Im debating whether or not its about : A man that kills his whole family or Someone who is just fascinated with killing people and he kills a couple before he eventually kills himself.

Theres not much to improve on here,
If anything I wish there was another sentence after this.
The game of life has just ended, and the dice have won.
Maybe something to clear things up, or something to make it feel a little more complete. Thats just me though. Nice Piece

You can crit a piece that Im posting today if ya want- Later
Write it down.
#8
^
Its neither really. Its about a man who wakes up from a morbid dream, during which he self mutilates himself. And then he just finishes off what he has started.

And about the ending, theres really nothing more to add to it, thats the way i wanted to end it.
#9
Quote by merabharatmahan
^
Its neither really. Its about a man who wakes up from a morbid dream, during which he self mutilates himself. And then he just finishes off what he has started.

And about the ending, theres really nothing more to add to it, thats the way i wanted to end it.


Yeah Ik. I was just debating with my self of whether I liked it or not

It fits well knowing now that its about self mutilation
How Metal !
Write it down.