#1
C4C ! (leave link)


Somewhere between the labyrinthine sheets
of your bed where urban myths lie,
the view from the ceiling to the sky
was interrupted by a lit streetlight.
One more unfinished lullaby
I never sang to you.

I locked myself in the walls you created;
I was faded by your greatest haze.
You were painted by the only trace I ever put
myself into, I was like god on his prime time;
and the canvas tonight
never looked so much like you.

You said: it was good but you can do better;
I saw your portfolio endless times.

Was it so hard to do, since it was
always meant to be done for you?

This is me without rhetoric;
without the art to make my speech clear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
your entire fault.
It will be historic,
the day you diminished me by fear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
T’was me who brought you here,
and still…

(Interlude solo)

You grabbed a pencil to make my body abstract.
I couldn’t react to your masterpiece.
A frozen feeling I could touch, like another
heart I missed, I never achieved more than this.
And, like the Rolling Stones,
I grabbed my world and painted it black.

You said: it was quite good, I could applaud
if it hadn’t been made a million times before.

Do you like what I do? Yes, but if you put
your heart to this, you can do much much more.


This is me without rhetoric;
without the art to make my speech clear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
your entire fault.
It will be historic,
the day you diminished me by fear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
T’was me who brought you here,
and still…

You said: it was really good;
amazing if I may say so.
I’d like what you do if it hadn’t
been made a thousand years ago.


(Solo)

This is the part where you put your heart to this;
is the part where you put your heart to things.


(Solo)

After your advice, the only thing
I had left was one verse.
Now’s the time to spend it:
It was so amazing I had cut all your words!
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 25, 2008,
#2
personally i really like it...

sounds honest, well written and straight from the heart, all these things mainstream music need more of, good work

i also cant think whether the old "like * insert artist here* said" or whatever is overused but tbh it wasn't a cliched quote so it's fine lol.

EDIT: here's my one i just posted https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16426161#post16426161

EDIT@: link changed lol
Last edited by wooftang999 at Sep 25, 2008,
#3
This is more like the real you! Awesome rhyming, weird-as-all-hell rythym and a length any hard working writer would be ashamed of, plus some not too iffy' imagery and wording...

I don't want to nit-pick this, I feel its border line perfect.
One thing I will note, concerning the length of this, its hard to continue to gather your thoughts after every verse. In other words, I did become lost at times. I will need to re-read it, but for now, this is really good writing, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Digitally Clean
#5
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C ! (leave link)


Somewhere between the labyrinthine sheets
of your bed where urban myths lie,
the view from the ceiling to the sky
was interrupted by a lit streetlight.
i loved this, great start
One more unfinished lullaby
I never sang to you.
great setup, love it so far

I locked myself in the walls you created;
I was faded by your greatest haze.
You were painted by the only trace I ever put
myself into, I was like god on his prime time;
and the canvas tonight
never looked so much like you.
another solid stanza here

You said: it was good but you can do better;
I saw your portfolio endless times.

Was it so hard to do, since it was
always meant to be done for you?
last too lines are really great, the frist two very well done as well, another great stanza

This is me without rhetoric;
without the art to make my speech clear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
your entire fault.
It will be historic,
the day you diminished me by fear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
T’was me who brought you here,
and still…
works well as a chorus

(Interlude solo)

You grabbed a pencil to make my body abstract.
I couldn’t react to your masterpiece.
deep
A frozen feeling I could touch, like another
heart I missed, I never achieved more than this.
And, like the Rolling Stones,
I grabbed my world and painted it black.
great stones reference

You said: it was quite good, I could applaud
if it hadn’t been made a million times before.

another great line, probably my favorite so far
Do you like what I do? Yes, but if you put
your heart to this, you can do much much more.

so true

This is me without rhetoric;
without the art to make my speech clear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
your entire fault.
It will be historic,
the day you diminished me by fear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
T’was me who brought you here,
and still…

You said: it was really good;
amazing if I may say so.
I’d like what you do if it hadn’t
been made a thousand years ago.

more great stuff
(Solo)

This is the part where you put your heart to this;
is the part where you put your heart to things.

a bit generic compared to other stuff you've written so far but this works

(Solo)

After your advice, the only thing
I had left was one verse.
another great line
Now’s the time to spend it:
It was so amazing I had cut all your words!


this was really great, the idea of really putting your heart into something and not just doing something thats been done before or done a million times, or at least thats what i took from it, job well done

if you could take a look at mine that'd be great, it was closed but it got re-opened so a crit for that would be great

thanks
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=965535
#7
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C ! (leave link)


Somewhere between the labyrinthine sheets
of your bed where urban myths lie,
(I like this line a lot).
the view from the ceiling to the sky
(You use "the" 3 times in this line. Cut at least one of them out. The one before "celing, perhaps?")
was interrupted by a lit streetlight.
(do you really need the word "lit"? An until streetlight can't really interrupt anything. I think that it is alreaddy implied that it is lit)
One more unfinished lullaby
I never sang to you.
(Woo, another line I really like...but the "I never sang to you part" seems a bit off logically. An unfinished lullaby is one you still sang...just one you didn't finish. Was the lullaby unfinished even before you were interrupted by the streetlight? Did you not even get a chance to start singing this unfinished lullaby? Or, did you have a finished lullaby ready to go but were interrupted in the middle of it by that bastard streetlight? Haha, I'm probably over-analyzing this...but it's just something that struck me when reading this.)

I locked myself in the walls you created;
(I think trapped is a better word than locked. Maybe eveb imprisoned, or something of that sort. Locked implies doors and moreso, a chance of them being unlocked. This does not seem like the case here)
I was faded by your greatest haze.
You were painted by the only trace I ever put
myself into, I was like god on his prime time;
and the canvas tonight
never looked so much like you.


You said: it was good but you can do better;
I saw your portfolio endless times.

Was it so hard to do, since it was
always meant to be done for you?

This is me without rhetoric;
without the art to make my speech clear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
your entire fault.
It will be historic,
the day you diminished me by fear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
T’was me who brought you here,
and still…
(I really dig this part. The rhythym of it. The style. The message. Everything)

(Interlude solo)

You grabbed a pencil to make my body abstract.
I couldn’t react to your masterpiece.
A frozen feeling I could touch, like another
heart I missed, I never achieved more than this.
And, like the Rolling Stones,
I grabbed my world and painted it black.

You said: it was quite good, I could applaud
if it hadn’t been made a million times before.

Do you like what I do? Yes, but if you put
your heart to this, you can do much much more.

(I like the conversation going on here. I've heard similar things and can attest. The rhyme scheme is there too. Very good)

This is me without rhetoric;
without the art to make my speech clear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
your entire fault.
It will be historic,
the day you diminished me by fear.
It’s your fault, my dear;
T’was me who brought you here,
and still…

You said: it was really good;
amazing if I may say so.
I’d like what you do if it hadn’t
been made a thousand years ago.


(Solo)

This is the part where you put your heart to this;
is the part where you put your heart to things.


(Solo)

After your advice, the only thing
I had left was one verse.
Now’s the time to spend it:
It was so amazing I had cut all your words!


I really do like this piece. It seems to tell of a couple who express their emotions through art. You, in a way, seem to struggle to get your voice across in words...but in a very eloquent way, if that makes any sense. You're making the speaker sound that way on purpose and do so very efficiently. She seems like one who is never satisfied and as hard as the speaker tries to please her it's never good enough. (I know how that is, man).

As far as the whole streetlight/lullaby thing...it is a good line. I really do like it. It just seems to not make logical sense. But then again, I often like things that are like that. And as long as it makes sense to you it is all that really matters. Like I said before, I'm probably just over-analyzing it.

Your heart is really in it, despite what she may tell you.

...

Yeah, so my c4c is in my sig. "Same Difference" would be the one I'd like you to crit, but check out "List of Dreams" too if you get the chance. Hell, crit that one too.

I'll definitely be peeping more of your stuff as well!
#8
Thank you a lot for such comment.

Now, the streetlight didn't interrupt the lullabye, it interrupts the view from the ceiling to the sky, and it simbolizes the streetlight I have right in front of my window and that lately its power must be running off so it just blinks occasionly... The unfinished lullabye comes as a explanation for the first bridge:

You said: it was good but you can do better;
I saw your portfolio endless times.
Was it so hard to do, since it was
always meant to be done for you?

It's about the difficulty of the "poetic me" to write something to anyone.

Hope I made myself clear with it.