#1
Your Time To Shine

Verse 1:
I slipped away
Pleading for your help
But you turned away
And let me fend for myself
As I walk through this life
Trying to find what is real
In a world that's divided
The wounds don't heal

Chorus:
Is this what it takes
It just doesn't seem worth it
In a world so fake
We're all trying to be perfect
So put on your disguise
The mask you hide behind
Feed the people your lies
And wait for your time to shine

Verse 2:
And when that time never comes
Don't expect me to care
There was a time I needed you
And you weren't there
So when you need me
I won't break your fall
Maybe then you'll see
I never cared at all

Chorusx1

[Solo]

Chorusx1
--------------------------------------------
Just some stupid song I wrote. I guess it's not too bad.
#2
Quote by --LP--
Your Time To Shine

Verse 1:
I slipped away
Pleading for your help
But you turned away
And let me fend for myself Besides not liking 'away' rhyming with itself, line 4 seems clumsy, even though I can tell you've tried to cut words so it would seem less so.
As I walk through this life
Trying to find what is real Cliché.
In a world that's divided
The wounds don't heal Great line - I'd suggest you check rhymezone.com for something to put in the place of the 'find what is real' line.

Chorus:
Is this what it takes
It just doesn't seem worth it Seems slightly clumsy
In a world so fake
We're all trying to be perfect
So put on your disguise
The mask you hide behind
Feed the people your lies
And wait for your time to shine Dunno if I like this line. I know that it's your title line and everything, but it kinda goes against the rest of the lyrics. This line is very positively charged, contrary to the rest of the text and these lyrics could be sooo much stronger if this line didn't clutter it up. I'd try 'your time to strike' or something, but I'll let you figure it out.

Verse 2:
And when that time never comes
Don't expect me to care
There was a time I needed you
And you weren't there
So when you need me
I won't break your fall
Maybe then you'll see
I never cared at all Nice.


Hope this helped. This was very well written, but you seem to have the same tendency as I do - the text says it all the first time you hear/read it. That can be a weakness or a strength - I'm working on getting out of just that, but what you do I'll leave up to you.

Strong piece with some minor flaws. Two thumbs up from here.
#3
Quote by AlienFinger79
Hope this helped. This was very well written, but you seem to have the same tendency as I do - the text says it all the first time you hear/read it. That can be a weakness or a strength - I'm working on getting out of just that, but what you do I'll leave up to you.

Strong piece with some minor flaws. Two thumbs up from here.


Thanks! I agree about the 4th line in th 1st verse being a little clumsy. I'm gonna try and fix that soon. As for the chorus, I'm gonna word it a little differently. And the 'Your time to shine' part may be changed. I'm not sure yet. I wrote it about this guy that used to be my friend who was always waiting for his moment in the spotlight. I'm glad you like the second verse. XD everyone else who has read it says its the most solid part of the song. Thanks for the crit. I'll definately crit any of yours I see from now on.
#4
I actually really like it. The message of the song seems to be true (around where I live anyway). The chorus definitaly sticks out to me. It's words flow really well. I'm kinda short on time to give a detailed crit, but I really like what you have here. Good work.
#5
I liked it, but it borderlined some cliches. But all in all, not a bad song
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


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