#1
This song is what happens when a college student from PA falls in love with a hairdresser from Ohio via a chat room. C4C, I'm fairly happy with this, haven't written anything to be proud of in a while.


I’ve got a ticket to Hollywood
But it’s just not gonna do me any good
I don’t belong anywhere
Unless you’re there
By my side like I know you should

Beautiful girl, I talk to you
Even when I’m not sure what to say
The words escape me
So I will box them up, with love from PA
You’re only right across the state
But it feels like light years from my home
Sometimes baby I wish
Maybe I could live a little further down the road

Put me on a plane to paradise
I ‘d jump off just to look in your eyes
I’d break my fall on the mountains below
But that wouldn’t matter to me just so you know
As long as you’d speak at my funeral

Beautiful girl, I talk to you
Even when I’m not sure what to say
The words escape me
So I will box them up, with love from PA
You’re only right across the state
But it feels like light years from my home
Sometimes baby I wish
Maybe I could live a little further down the road

And lifelines run deeper than phone lines
Everytime I look into your eyes
I feel so serene
I wish I didn’t have to see them
Through this computer screen

Beautiful girl, I talk to you
Even when I’m not sure what to say
The words escape me
So I will box them up, with love from PA
You’re only right across the state
But it feels like light years from my home
Sometimes baby I wish
Maybe I could live a little further down the road
Last edited by Mlnwd at Sep 25, 2008,
#2
Please give the rules a once over, especially about 'titles'

you can repost it with a title or label it as untitled....

It doesn't seem to read so bad, I'll give you a crit when you get the proper one up

*reported*
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#4
Quote by Mlnwd


I’ve got a ticket to Hollywood
But it’s just not gonna do me any good
I don’t belong anywhere
Unless you’re there
By my side like I know you should
I think there are a lot of predictable lines in here...

Beautiful girl, I talk to you
^ Don't like "beautiful girl" but that's just me
Even when I’m not sure what to say
The words escape me
So I will box them up, with love from PA
You’re only right across the state
But it feels like light years from my home
Cut "like". Breaks the flow, at least IMO
Sometimes baby I wish
Maybe I could live a little further down the road

Put me on a plane to paradise
I ‘d jump off just to look in your eyes
I’d break my fall on the mountains below
"Mountains below" is totally cliché.
But that wouldn’t matter to me just so you know
As long as you’d speak at my funeral
This is quite different from everything I read so far, although it's better written, everything sounds like something I heard or read somewhere else.

Beautiful girl, I talk to you
Even when I’m not sure what to say
The words escape me
So I will box them up, with love from PA
You’re only right across the state
But it feels like light years from my home
Sometimes baby I wish
Maybe I could live a little further down the road

And lifelines run deeper than phone lines
Now here's a good line !
Everytime I look into your eyes
I feel so serene
I wish I didn’t have to see them
Through this computer screen
This is something you should look for. Somewhat innovative; good imagery... you get it

Beautiful girl, I talk to you
Even when I’m not sure what to say
The words escape me
So I will box them up, with love from PA
You’re only right across the state
But it feels like light years from my home
Sometimes baby I wish
Maybe I could live a little further down the road


Okay, so everything I needed to say to help you has, my opinion is also in there: Except for the stanza I detached, everything else needs a bit more work..

Take care.
#5
I’ve got a ticket to Hollywood
But it’s just not gonna do me any good
Little wordy. I don't think 'just' is needed. It might flow better, IMO, if you took it out.
I don’t belong anywhere
Unless you’re there
By my side like I know you should
Hmm... a little predictable, but it flows well and I like the structure of your verse, so I 'spose it works.

Beautiful girl, I talk to you
Even when I’m not sure what to say
The words escape me
So I will box them up, with love from PA
I like this line. Probably my favorite out of the whole song.
You’re only right across the state
But it feels like light years from my home
I agree with the guy above me. 'Like' really not necessary.
Sometimes baby I wish
Maybe I could live a little further down the road
These lines are cute. Predictable, but cute. Like the rhythm you established with maybe and baby. Flows really well.

Put me on a plane to paradise
I ‘d jump off just to look in your eyes
Cheesy, honestly. But the rhyming doesn't sound too forced or awkward, so no harm done.
I’d break my fall on the mountains below
But that wouldn’t matter to me just so you know
It's very obvious you added 'just so you know' for rhyming purposes and sounds like filler. IMO, I'd revise that line to take that phrase out.
As long as you’d speak at my funeral

And lifelines run deeper than phone lines
Why is 'and' necessary? Don't know that you need that.
Everytime I look into your eyes
Second time you've used this phrase.
I feel so serene
Cliche. I like what you're setting up for in this line, but I think you could do better than this.
I wish I didn’t have to see them
Through this computer screen
I like this line. Pretty good.


Overall, not that bad. But not overly impressive either. Biggest thing, IMO, you have quite a few cliche and generic lines in there that could use some sprucing up.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Sep 28, 2008,