hi peoples
c4c as always, just leave a link and i'll happily get to yours.

i was sitting, happily, drawing on my bed
a portrait of all the things id just read,
city skylines, pepsi adds and cigarettes
things you'd expect at a modern art fair.
then WHAAM!
I heard a noise
a rocket crashed into my room
it was big and red and had a name on the side
"ghost 911"
i opened the door
and there was noone inside
just pretty controls
and colorful walls.
stayed in for a while
then i got bored
went back to bed
and wrote a song
poetic lines
rapid flow
overused rhymes
useless metaphors:
another rocket blasts through the sky,
so pretty pretty pretty,
lovely at first sight.
yet noone inside.
oh modern times.
Last edited by cubs at Nov 12, 2008,
Quote by Bleed Away
This didn't do much for me. Nothing here had real flare, everything was pretty much orientated. This doesn't feel like the old cubs, by that i mean this felt off par. There's not much that I can offer that wouldn't alter this piece quite majorly. I don't know, sorry for the lack of helpfulness

no worries mate, i know what youre talking about. i have mixed feelings about this, i actually don't really like it, but i wanted to try something outside my normal stuff. not too mention my mind wasn't really clear when i wrote this, i was supposed to be studying for a science exam today ( ), so its probably not the best i've written. Thank you for your comments though, do you have any piece youd like me to check out?
There is a lot of potential in the last half dozen lines or so. The piece, on a whole, feels OTS, it's the sorta thing I write when I just hit record and play guitar and sing whatever comes into my head, and then write it down.
It's like, a metaphor, and sorta abstract, but at the same time, it's far too blunt.
Too much emphasis is on the punch. And to expand on a horrible sports analogy, when you expect the punch, it makes it a lot weaker.
There's not much in the way of poeticness here. 'BAAAM!'

But like I said, last 5 lines have potential.

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