#1
hi peoples
c4c as always, just leave a link and i'll happily get to yours.

rockets
i was sitting, happily, drawing on my bed
a portrait of all the things id just read,
city skylines, pepsi adds and cigarettes
things you'd expect at a modern art fair.
then WHAAM!
I heard a noise
a rocket crashed into my room
it was big and red and had a name on the side
"ghost 911"
i opened the door
and there was noone inside
just pretty controls
and colorful walls.
stayed in for a while
then i got bored
went back to bed
and wrote a song
poetic lines
rapid flow
overused rhymes
useless metaphors:
another rocket blasts through the sky,
so pretty pretty pretty,
lovely at first sight.
yet noone inside.
oh modern times.
Last edited by cubs at Nov 12, 2008,
#3
Quote by Bleed Away
This didn't do much for me. Nothing here had real flare, everything was pretty much orientated. This doesn't feel like the old cubs, by that i mean this felt off par. There's not much that I can offer that wouldn't alter this piece quite majorly. I don't know, sorry for the lack of helpfulness


no worries mate, i know what youre talking about. i have mixed feelings about this, i actually don't really like it, but i wanted to try something outside my normal stuff. not too mention my mind wasn't really clear when i wrote this, i was supposed to be studying for a science exam today ( ), so its probably not the best i've written. Thank you for your comments though, do you have any piece youd like me to check out?
#5
There is a lot of potential in the last half dozen lines or so. The piece, on a whole, feels OTS, it's the sorta thing I write when I just hit record and play guitar and sing whatever comes into my head, and then write it down.
It's like, a metaphor, and sorta abstract, but at the same time, it's far too blunt.
Too much emphasis is on the punch. And to expand on a horrible sports analogy, when you expect the punch, it makes it a lot weaker.
There's not much in the way of poeticness here. 'BAAAM!'
Y'know?

But like I said, last 5 lines have potential.

If you care to return

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=964528
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.