#1
this is so rough its not even funny. tear it apart please. I will return as much as I can.


Jake doesn’t flinch at that sound anymore.

Jake plays the piano at night
“when no one’s around anywhere at all”
he thinks. His fingers slam down hard
over the keys like his father’s
heavy hand over his back.
He remembers
watching the shadows in his foster parent’s room,
terrified that those calloused pieces of skin
would come back. again and again and again.
asking every night
to the sky looking dead
if he got his beauty from his father
thick gold locks and a thick strong jawline
he remembers
doing pull-ups in his basement
thousands of them,
He’ll be stronger yet,
He’ll be ready
when that bastard comes back.
Jake treats instruments like punching bags
and beats them so loud.
He tries to draw the man in his dreams out of hiding
by playing so beautiful.
He remembers,
sitting in his cupboard,
telling himself
“the next man that comes near me, the next man that comes”
the police man needed six stitches
from the knife rammed through his hand
“we’re just trying to help you, kid”
the car was dark except for the radio
dimly playing Elvis Costello in the background

Jake cries when he doesn’t come,
when he never comes,
Jake has nothing left in him to play
but he still plays
like the fisherman whose finally caught his lake clean,
He shows up everyday, it’s all he knows.
maybe one day his son will cry,
maybe one day his son will have to wear makeup
to cover the handprints across his face.
“maybe one day, cause that’s the only day I’m living for”
as his hands come down across the keys
a car backfires outside.
Jake doesn’t flinch at that sound anymore.
#2
Wow, I liked it. Powerful stuff.

I'm not going to dissect it, because like you say, it's so rough.

I particularly like the line 'Jake treats instruments like punching bags'
#4
Quote by #1 synth
this is so rough its not even funny. tear it apart please. I will return as much as I can.

"LET'S DO THIS!", quote Steve.


Jake doesn’t flinch at that sound anymore.

Jake plays the piano at night
“when no one’s around anywhere at all” (Anywhere felt unnecessary)
he thinks. His fingers slam down hard
over the keys like his father’s
heavy hand over his back.
He remembers
watching the shadows in his foster parent’s room,
terrified that those calloused pieces of skin
would come back. again and again and again.
asking every night
to the sky looking dead
if he got his beauty from his father
thick gold locks and a thick strong jawline
he remembers
doing pull-ups in his basement
thousands of them,
He’ll be stronger yet,
He’ll be ready
when that bastard comes back.

I don't think it works too well for the narrator to become biased by saying, "He'll be ready when that bastard comes back." That's an approach that should be done in first person. As for the piece itself it didn't hit me. Not so much the storyline, but the writing felt disjointed and immobilised. But the story line did feel real and demonstrated great authorship.


Jake treats instruments like punching bags
and beats them so loud.
He tries to draw the man in his dreams out of hiding
by playing so beautiful.
He remembers,
sitting in his cupboard,
telling himself
“the next man that comes near me, the next man that comes”
the police man needed six stitches
from the knife rammed through his hand
“we’re just trying to help you, kid”
the car was dark except for the radio
dimly playing Elvis Costello in the background

This came across rather well. It felt much more technical while keeping its storyline. That last line was magical.

Jake cries when he doesn’t come,
when he never comes,
Jake has nothing left in him to play
but he still plays
like the fisherman whose finally caught his lake clean,
He shows up everyday, it’s all he knows.
maybe one day his son will cry,
maybe one day his son will have to wear makeup
to cover the handprints across his face.
“maybe one day, cause that’s the only day I’m living for”
as his hands come down across the keys
a car backfires outside.
Jake doesn’t flinch at that sound anymore.

I didn't like the first nine lines, it didn't really offer much in depth and felt quite pointless in some extent. The rest was great and really showed a great amount of emotions and anxiety just before reaching its ending. Beautiful


Just the little bits I pointed out that I thought were a bit complacent compared to the rest of the piece. Overall this was a good read.
#5
It needs to stay rough.

"the car was dark except for the radio
dimly playing Elvis Costello in the background"

Win.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Wow, Dylan, this kicked ass. I may be biased, but I think nothing need be changed. I'll be coming back to read this one many times more.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
"the police man needed six stitches from the knife rammed through his hand “we’re just trying to help you, kid” " , love that bit really shows where he is in terms of psychologically.
I suggest been a bit more concise in future poems and perhaps, maybe a rhyming scheme otherwise it can be kind of heavy and strong
__________________________
c4c plz
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=955116
#8
Quote by #1 synth
this is so rough its not even funny. tear it apart please. I will return as much as I can.


Jake doesn’t flinch at that sound anymore.

Jake plays the piano at night
“when no one’s around anywhere at all”
he thinks. His fingers slam down hard
over the keys like his father’s
heavy hand over his back.
I don't like the opening. First a start, the first line, athough it needs to be there so that it can then give you a returning point later on in the song, it just reads so badly, particularly concerning the following lines. The exclamation marks totally confuse me and the analogy of being hit across the back is so obvious and common. Once again, though, it kind of needs to be there because you relate to it later on in the poem, so I don't know what to do. "he thinks" feels out of place as well. Its not a very clear and important start. Recently, I've been getting into writers who are not afraid to slap you in the face politely in the first few lines, and then end it with something easier and less emmense - the common method is to end it with a stark slap - Maybe this needed an opener that really shined, something to propel the reader on, especially seeing as a few of the ideas are repeated and exagerated later on, for good reason.
He remembers
watching the shadows in his foster parent’s room,
A little too long winded, this is. Could be re-worded, maybe?
terrified that those calloused pieces of skin
would come back. again and again and again.
I like the word "terrified", although its a common term, it seems to create so many strong emotions, in this particular case anyway. Maybe because the character feels so childishly hopeless, that a simple but overpowering word would effectively force out more feelings. That said, I think the being hit with "calloused ... skin" is cliched and typical. It isn't written with any allure (if thats possible) or severity (apart from "terrified") to make it more interesting and different from any other piece out there.
asking every night
to the sky looking dead
if he got his beauty from his father
thick gold locks and a thick strong jawline
he remembers
doing pull-ups in his basement
thousands of them,
He’ll be stronger yet,
He’ll be ready
when that bastard comes back.
I love the rough approach here, it really suits it. Gives it a very clear-cut and impressive tone. Its actually quite scary because I really do fear this character. Its not like he's some little pussy-cat, he's becoming a beefed up machine of pemped-up anger, about to let it all go. Awesome.
Jake treats instruments like punching bags
and beats them so loud.
"so" is uneccesary here.
He tries to draw the man in his dreams out of hiding
by playing so beautiful.
Poor line breaks.
He remembers,
sitting in his cupboard,
telling himself
This feels pointless. It may be better just to have the first two lines preceding this to start the thought process rolling. Your saying too much before the all important feeling theorized.
“the next man that comes near me, the next man that comes”
the police man needed six stitches
from the knife rammed through his hand
Line breaks could be improved here.
“we’re just trying to help you, kid”
the car was dark except for the radio
dimly playing Elvis Costello in the background
Really cool idea, but feels like it could be worded better. A more accurate approach here could lend this more substance, instead of being overly rough on the reader.

Jake cries when he doesn’t come,
when he never comes,
Jake has nothing left in him to play
but he still plays
like the fisherman whose finally caught his lake clean,
He shows up everyday, it’s all he knows.
maybe one day his son will cry,
maybe one day his son will have to wear makeup
to cover the handprints across his face.
“maybe one day, cause that’s the only day I’m living for”
as his hands come down across the keys
a car backfires outside.
Jake doesn’t flinch at that sound anymore.
This is far better. Where rough writing really shines through. I wouldn't want you to change any of this really.


Hope I helped. The rough around the edges technique employed here didn't feel diliberate so I enjoyed reading this, even if some of the subject matter was cliched and a little dull for me.

Digitally Clean
#9
I was gonna tear this up, but there isn't much to change. The tone works well, your phrasing works well, I'm glad to see you didn't use the typical dylan delivery of stubby lines that read like bricks fucking in a concrete room.

This will never be more than a pleasant read to me though. It was too safe, it didn't cross any lines, it didn't have any creative flare outside of the Costello line. You told a gritty story in a way that you could have been reading a detailed grocery list. The rough around the edges feel was nice; but the words carried nothing to me beyond there respective definitions. It felt like you were telling a story you heard on the news, but had no experience with. There were a few bright spots, like the "The next man" section. But, on the whole, this just was. I think you need to start writing about things that actually mean something deeper to you (I could be way off, and this could be your life story for all I know.... but it doesn't feel involved enough to be your story)... your last few have felt like you being on the outside looking into a sound proof glass room of actions, and just tacking on your own commentary. I want something where I can tell Dylan needs to tell this story, again. When you start doing that, I think I'll be reminded why I always read everything you post.
#10
I agree was ZanasCross. While being a good read, i didn't feel a connection. There were some great lines, especially the Costelo line and the police line. Apart from that, there are a lot of weak points. Especially the start, and that is where you need to be at the strongeest. It is a good story, but i felt like that was all it was. I was going to deconstruct it, but i think AngryGoldfish did a brilliant job at that. Hopefully between all of this you should be able to salvage something. I wish i could be more helpful, but i feel all ahs been said that needs to be. If this helps, swing by the link in my sig and return the favour. If it doesn't, then don't worry about it.