#1
Okay, so i've been working on these lyrics, and i must admit that i'm a little off my game. So I need your help guys. They aren't finished, but i'm not quite sure where to go from here. Please decimate, destroy, critisize tear arapt etc. BE RUTHLESS! Cheers, guys!

And Now For Something Completely Different…

The poet on the street
Sings songs while his feet keep the beat,
His insides are slowly pouring out.
And Frankie turned to Johnnie,
Said “hey, boy,
They’re playing our song again.”
The three wise men,
Whose pension all spent,
Beg in front of the pokie machines.
And the obituary reads,
“Jesus Christ dies”
But Elvis is in Texas again.

And second rate businessmen,
Dressed in their suits,
Devil grins hold out their hands.
“Buy this mop, buy this house,
Buy my car, sell your soul,
Hell, we’ll even throw your daughter’s in for free.”
And the nun blushes at the priest’s remarks,
Over the colour of the new nunnery.
But she never denies that blue brings out her eyes,
Despite the fact that they’re green.

And Shakespeare’s alive in New Jersey,
While MacBeth is dead in Japan.
And Hamlet went mad in London,
And there are star-crossed lovers in France.
Yet the stars are all out in their Sunday best,
Though the moon has yet to rise.
You can tell from his smile, and the twinkle in his eyes,
He might even give it a miss tonight.

The colours of the rainbow are giving it a rest,
A dreary grey streaks through rain drenched skies.
As the trains run late, or perhaps they are early,
And we are only programmed to be confused.
The clock tower stops, but the watches continue,
The politicians hold an emergency meeting.
And by the time they work out if its one past one,
Ore two past two, the time is long gone anyway.

Gluttony is sin, then are we all sinners?
Or are we feeding ourselves to ignore our sins?
Santa Claus is on a fab diet,
Strictly reindeer and elf meat.
And an old wounded soldier, berates passers by,
Not noticing the feathers on their back.
“Live life for love,” he cries to the sky,
The cops will beat him again tonight.

“Meet me in the Garden of Eden, my dear,
I hear they’ve got fresh fruit there.”
“Apparently the snake is quite good too,
Though slightly bitter and maybe a bit to coarse.”
And Abraham drives the knife into his son,
God wakes and realises what he’s done.
“Yeah, umm, we might want to change that part in the bible, guys.”
A few strokes and its done.

The earth rotates around a rotating sun,
Which rotates through the galaxy.
But if that is the case then answer me this,
How can the world revolve around me?
The headstone reads, “Here lies sleep,
Sleep of the innocent no longer.”
Someone’s got a dark sense of humour round here,
But the novelty is long gone.

Offended by invisible glances,
The feminist leaves the café.
She goes home to her abusive husband,
Where she’ll drink the rest of the night away.
The banker keels over, his heart given out,
The car honks and finishes the job.
The homeless all moan in their slumber,
While another holds up a liquor store.

The taxi stops at the end of the street,
And I’m brought crashing out of my thoughts.
The driver turns to me, a question in his eye,
I shrug, pay and climb out into the world.
The greyness still hangs heavy, but the poet’s long gone,
The wise men have shacked up for the night.
I throw the paper in the bin, turn to the soldier and say
“Well, I guess we’ll see what tomorrow brings.”
Last edited by kdownes at Sep 30, 2008,
#3
Quote by pageisgod493
lols monthy python good song tho


Haha, i was waiting for someone to say that. While being a veiled(?) refrence to Monty Python, it actually refers to the fact that this song is completely different from the rest of the songs on the album.
#5
haha. OK, now where are all the sharks hiding, i wanna some criticism here people! Throw me a frickin' bone here!
#6
you had some good lines in there
i like the format

but i kinda got bored with it cause of its repeatance
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#7
I'd go line by line, but I don't think, given the length, it would be especially productive, so I'll stick to broader generalizations. First off, kudos for the little story anecdotes (i.e. frankie turned to johnny/said hey boy/they're playing out song again). I love lyrics that read like a story in places, and in the first half, they are balanced well with the grander statements (i.e. and the second rate businessmen/dressed in their suits...). I'm a little concerned that the balance seems lost later on, however.

I also think that with such a broad range of little snapshots, more needs to be done to tie these individual stories and observations together at the end of the work. Perhaps I'm missing your intent, but after reading it through, it strikes me more as a display of the diversity of your talented lyrics and less of a piece with a commanding sense of purpose, although given the serious and meaningful subject matter, it shouldn't be hard to unify it a bit more.

Not a criticism, but I certainly sensed a shift in mood from the beginning, with segments that seemed appreciative of humanity, to the darkness of alcohol abuse and worse in the second half, like the optimism drained out of the work.

Very interesting stuff, all in all. Incidentally, where's Harvey Bay? Gold Coast? I'm contemplating an exodus from the states to Oz for good next year for University to James Cook Uni., but I'd love an insider opinion on whether to look to the Cairns or Townsville campus. Cairns is in a lovely setting, but I was torn about the city itself - while certainly some nice cafes, the tourism seems to dominate the place, and I can't see a vibrant music scene surviving there. Haven't been to Townsville, and while it seems less idyllic, it also seems like a more 'real' place.
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Quote by crazypeanutman

damn yertle, you got some groove
#8
Thanks Yertle that really helps. I think it is that unity that is missing. I'm just so off my goddamn game at the moment that it annoys me. I should be able to do something really good with it, but i seem to be lacking that little bit of inspiration. As for where Hervey Bay is, its a little town between Maryborough and Bundaberg - the gateway to Fraser Island. Its a bit of a cultural shit hole. Go to Cairns. Not only is it a beautiful city, but they are looking at setting up a muso's retreat some time in the future, and they do have quite a vibrant music scene. Thanks for your help.
#9
It's a little lengthy and weighs down near the end. You have some pretty good pieces in there, but the piece as a whole doesn't seem tied together very well. IMO, you should revise it and take out some of the filler verses, or verses that don't really add any new information and focus on better cementing the piece as a whole. I loved these lines:

Gluttony is sin, then are we all sinners?
Or are we feeding ourselves to ignore our sins?

These lines, IMO, got a little too vague and philosophical to fit in with the rest of the piece:

Perhaps we’re all blind, and blindness is sight,
Darkness honesty and truth?

Is light the right way or leading us astray,
Blinded by heavenly truth?

But it may just be me, but I don't feel they're connected to the piece as well as the rest of the verses. Pretty cool piece, overall. Really interesting read. Love the little snippets and glimpses into various situations. I just think you should have something (maybe near the end) to tie it all together better, so they have more meaning to them. Seems a bit disjointed and rough the way it is now.

Thanks for the crit. Hope this helps.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#11
Alright epic-boy, I don't usually do this (set up appointments, that is), but there are some things I'd like to jot down about this at a later time in the day. So, that said, I shall return.
#12
Thanks for the comments guys, I've just edited the piece up above. I'm still not happy with it, but it works a little better. Ending needs a bit of work. Still need ur help here guys. Many thanks to those who have, especially Yertle and nerk13
#13
Different indeed, every time I look at this, it's different. Better now than it was, I only have a few qualms now.

The colours of the rainbow are giving it a rest,
A dreary grey streaks through rain drenched skies.

Say this part aloud. It sounds good, but it doesn't flow very well - like a misplaced stutter. Something to do with the lack of punch in "a dreary grey." Dreary simply doesn't work for me. Likewise for the next line: "or perhaps they are early" is drawing out an aside that doesn't need to be here at all, or at least, to retain its wit, could be condensed.

The clock tower stops, but the watches continue,
The politicians hold an emergency meeting.
And by the time they work out if its one past one,
Ore two past two, the time is long gone anyway.

I suppose this stanza just isn't working for me. I like the point you're delivering, but the execution is stalled somehow. You could say all of this easier with more efficient diction - like "and by the time" and "long gone anyway" are wastes of valuable syllables and time, and that kind of contradicts - or emphasises - your topic, I suppose. This stanza is good and maybe not crucial, but keep it there. It simply needs a bit of polishing.

The two sin lines seem unnecessary. The Santa Claus line sums them up much better than they explain themsleves, and also allows for the poem to continue without another aside.

I'm a sucker for biblical satire. I adore that whole part in there

The repetition of "long gone" after novelty only works if you're Layne Staley, and I'm pretty sure you're not, because you seem alive. I once read a book where this guy didn't seem to want to EVER repeat the same word (or adjective, maybe) so he used crazy words like 'defenestrate' and 'excrescence' to describe throwing a cancerous chin growth out of a window. It might be a fun exercise.

OKAY. Finally, a proper, fitting use of 'long gone' the poet's long gone. Here, it belongs. Change the other two, but for the love of jesus, politely extirpate your persistent reprise.

Good work, my friend.
#15
editing in.

okay, so i'm going to echo a few of the other comments here in the sense that i believe your main problem is that of consistency. you conjure up a few lovely images, but the seeming lack of relation between them, not just in terms of imagery but thematically, means there's nothing to really 'grip' as a reader.

some stanzas really didn't work. mainly because the references appeared ill-thought out.

"And Shakespeare’s alive in New Jersey,
While MacBeth is dead in Japan.
And Hamlet went mad in London,
And there are star-crossed lovers in France.
Yet the stars are all out in their Sunday best,
Though the moon has yet to rise.
You can tell from his smile, and the twinkle in his eyes,
He might even give it a miss tonight."

you refer to shakespeare in the same sense that you refer to his fictional creations. why? are you inferring that he's just as fake as them or? i have no real idea at what you're getting at with that. anyway, the referencing of shakespeare, macbeth, hamlet and romeo and juliet in a piece of structurally constrained, formed poetry/lyric writing for no apparent reason is a big no-no, i'd say. it's just extremely predictable. if you're going to write uninterpretable stuff, don't use easily relatable characters/people that appear to suggest some kind of meaning. it gives people the impression that they "don't get it ", which isn't really the same as giving people the impression of "this is mad. i don't get it but i don't care". the moon giving it a miss tonight is a great line. i'd much prefer if you didn't reference shakespeare. it would be a great verse if you didn't.

there are several little things that annoyed me.

"The earth rotates around a rotating sun,
Which rotates through the galaxy.
But if that is the case then answer me this,
How can the world revolve around me?"

you've just demonstrated that something can revolve around something that revolves around something else, so the world revolving around you appears feasible through your own logic. this deems the whole set-up in the first two lines pretty redundant.

i'll get back to this with more tomorrow.

but generally i liked it. you have a knack of pulling out some great one-liners.
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 1, 2008,
#17
thanks Alex. It does seem to be a bit of a mish mash of good lines with fillers. thanks for the help i'll see what i can do
#19
“Meet me in the Garden of Eden, my dear,
I hear they’ve got fresh fruit there.”
“Apparently the snake is quite good too,
Though slightly bitter and maybe a bit to* <b>too</b> coarse.”
And Abraham drives the knife into his son,
God wakes and realises what he’s done.
“Yeah, umm, we might want to change that part in the bible, guys.”
A few strokes and its done.

^haha I loved that part there

But um, this poem is loooong. Lots of good stuff. However it drags on, it's not an easy read in itself. If one takes the time however, then it still brings itself together.

sorry for my short crit
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