#1
crit4crit

The Queen of Heaven
Drank all the beer cans
So I asked Jesus
To pour her some spirits

No surprise Christ refused
Cursing out God's name
Shouting, "Hey drink to this"
And spitting on God's grave

So I went to the church
Stole a bottle of wine
To get her more drunk
And make Heaven mine

What I brew today
You will drink tomorrow

She kept my love on ice
'Cause she likes the cold
Wearing cigarrete burns
To keep herself warm

I took her ashes
Made a sign on my head
Saying, "This is the Christ
That left God for dead"

With her empty bottles
And her empty throne
God came stumbling
Inside my humble home

What I brew today
You will drink tomorrow
Last edited by themarsvolta at Oct 2, 2008,
#2
"to bring god in my life" is off.

"inside my humble home" - the extra two syllables read awkwardly. singing it would probably be fine, but "into my home" (for example) would be superior in terms of reading flow.

i liked it. constant allusion to drinks/ice/water symbolism was nice and anything mentioning cigarettes i'm invariably going to enjoy. the idea of stealing wine form a church has been a little overused recently, if i had to mentioning something.

good read, though.
#4
Some of this was good, some of it was boring. Because of that, its alright, but feels very non-existent, like as if its tettering on life but fails to dive in.

- "So I went to the church
Stole a bottle of wine
I had to get her drunk
To bring God in my life

What I brew today
You will drink tomorrow" - This is quality stuff, but it feels out of place due to the slightly dull surroundings. That said...

- "She kept my love on ice
'Cause she likes the cold
Wearing cigarrete burns
To keep herself warm" - This is good.

Digitally Clean
#5
Great piece. Enjoyed reading it, but, personally, I think the first two verses are under par with the rest of it. I can't quite put my finger on what makes them so weak, but I didn't feel particularly compelled to keep reading. For me, the piece didn't pick up until the third verse.

With her empty bottles
And her empty throne
God came stumbling
Inside my humble home

Loved this part. The stumbling/humble assonance sounds really good, IMO, and helps the verse flow alot better. I really like how you tied everything together with the repeated two lines; that made the ending for me. The cigarette pun was predictable and it didn't seem up to the same standard as the rest of the piece. But that may just be me.

She kept my love on ice
'Cause she likes the cold
Wearing cigarrete burns
To keep herself warm

This verse did a really great job of transitioning between your metaphors and pulling it all together. One of my favorite parts.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
Thank you for the critiques. I appreciate the help. I made a few changes to the piece that hopefully enhance it .
#7
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
She kept my love on ice
'Cause she likes the cold
Wearing cigarrete burns
To keep herself warm

I took her ashes
Made a sign on my head
Saying, "This the Christ
That left God for dead"

With her empty bottles
And her empty throne
God came stumbling
Inside my humble home


I really like those parts. Very creative. It was definitaly interesting enough to keep me reading all the way through. Overall I think you have a pretty good, solid song here. Good work.
#8
I always seem to enjoy your writing and this is no exception.

Did you leave out an "is" in the "This the Christ that left God for dead" part, or does it just sound weird to me?
#9
Quote by themarsvolta


The Queen of Heaven
Drank all the beer cans
So I asked Jesus
To pour her some spirits
ONly thing that grabbed my attention was i sensed some religious satire coming. Apart from that, a weak stanza not attention grabbing at all

No surprise Christ refused
Cursing out God's name
Shouting, "Hey drink to this"
And spitting on God's grave
Haha, yes! Religious satire. God i'm a sucker for it

So I went to the church
Stole a bottle of wine
To get her more drunk
And make Heaven mineAgain, just weak.

What I brew today
You will drink tomorrowGood, good. Simply put

She kept my love on ice
'Cause she likes the cold
Wearing cigarrete burns
To keep herself warm probably my fav stanza. great language

I took her ashes
Made a sign on my head
Saying, "This is the Christ
That left God for dead" Yes yes yes yes! Perfect. Love it love it love it

With her empty bottles
And her empty throne
God came stumbling
Inside my humble home God's a girl!? Fantastic. love the stumbling/humble

What I brew today
You will drink tomorrow


Okay, this was ok. But there are some gleems at something really good. Especially the 2nd, 5th and 6th stanzas. The "chorus" was very good as well. A good read, but nothing mroe. Work on it, it has the potential to be fantastic. "Nighttime: A City" link in my sig.
#10
I kind of like. Its good, It has really good imagery making it fun to read. One thing is that the story isn't clear at all but that could be a good thing because it keeps you guessing.
Overall its a good fun song.
#11
As a take on an overused subject, it's brilliant. However, it's still a take on an overused subject.

Lines like

Wearing cigarrete burns
To keep herself warm


are wonderful, however I think they could be developed in to a much better overall piece that's screaming out something unique. It's good, but it could be so much better.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!