#1
I've felt gallant for these crisp times, noting
to myself the changing colours, or the
hipsters taking pictures of dead leaves. Calming
to the sense, a draft of purely smell,
leaving vague emotions, a composite sketch
of tranquility. My intelligence leaves after
a few thoughts and I'm left thinking of nothing
but her.

Last time I saw Sarah she was sitting in a pile
of leaves, falling on the way home, or
as she put it, "Having concrete bones." Left
a finger behind in the lack of snow. Rolling
down the window to let the oxygen take it's toll.
A wedding approaches for neither of us, but
after thinking about it, I'm okay with all of this.
She said after taking my penis in her hands,
"What a nice time of year." True story.

In an interesting twist, my heart and my lungs
belong to the apple tree down the street,
fell in the love with the thing after I moved here,
swimming the sea of green and red, through
wormed cores and a widow's web of bitter apple
pie, an amoral window of oppurtunity, a sweater for her
breasts, and we left each other's tongues under
a tree's shedding skin. A vertical friend, roaming
gifts of broken bark, I can't tell from the distance
whether it's rough or smooth. I can't tell who I'm talking
about; her skin or the forest.
Her lips or the leaves.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
Nice man
Your opinion is just that, YOUR opinion. It doesn't make you right. It doesn't make you better. It doesn't make you god. Everyone has their own view and that view is neither right or wrong.

Ignorance destroys music.
#3
Quote by Something_Vague
I've felt gallant for these crisp times, noting
to myself the changing colours, or the
hipsters taking pictures of dead leaves. Love these first three lines. For some reason it reminds me a bit of Poe. Just the flow of the piece. Calming
to the sense, a draft of purely smell, "purely smell" is brilliant
leaving vague emotions, a composite sketch
of tranquility. My intelligence leaves after
a few thoughts and I'm left thinking of nothing
but her.
Love the word play with "leaves". Very clever. Great first stanza.

Last time I saw Sarah she was sitting in a pile
of leaves, falling on the way home, or
as she put it, "Having concrete bones."Again, brilliant first three lines. Love the imagery of "concrete bones". Left
a finger behind in the lack of snow. Rolling
down the window to let the oxygen take it's toll.
A wedding approaches for neither of us, but
after thinking about it, I'm okay with all of this.
She said after taking my penis in her hands,
"What a nice time of year." True story.
This stanza is good because while being slightly abstract, the meaning and intent is not lost. very good.

In an interesting twist, my heart and my lungs
belong to the apple tree down the street,
fell in the love with the thing after I moved here,
swimming the sea of green and red, through
wormed cores and a widow's web of bitter apple
pie, an amoral window of oppurtunity, a sweater for her
breasts, and we left each other's tongues under
a tree's shedding skin. A vertical friend, roaming
gifts of broken bark, I can't tell from the distance
whether it's rough or smooth. I can't tell who I'm talking
about; her skin or the forest.
Her lips or the leaves.
Brilliant ending. This whole stanza is incredible. Especially the last lines from "I can't tell who I'm talking about".. Especially love "swimming" through to "pie". Great description, get a very clear picture of whats going on.


I can't flaw this piece it really is brilliant. I won't use perfect, cause perfect is boring. But after two days of reading lyrics and poems, yours is the second one thats made me stop and go, "yeah, thats great." Well done. Help out a struggling writer? link in my sig.
#5
This was lovely. You already knew that.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
this needs to be read.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
If this is the piece you submitted for the Autumn competition, I'm fucked.

Very good stuff, I have no problems.
#8
The middle stanza felt kinda all over the place. I don't know exactly what to take from it. Also, having the lines start at the very end of the previous line was interesting, but it rarely had a very positive effect, and sometimes it hurt the flow.

Now for the good news. The imagery was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I can already taste the apples. I know that I'm not doing much, just echoing the previous responses, but one more can't hurt . The vivid portrayals that you have in here were so lively.

Fantastic work