#1
James' Bond.

I believe there's a nest of birds in the vents, somewhere close to my room.
They seem to be keeping me up at night.


"Oh, sir, I'm so sorry."
"I'll have someone on that right away."

Eh, don't worry about it.
What's with all the cicada on the lobby furniture?


"Pardon?"
"You know, this has been a really crazy evening."
"Some customers have even been complaining of hearing
a man "screaming" or some nonsense on the 5th floor, haha."

Screaming? Heh.
SCREAMING? Ha.
Well,
I've got a jagged smile and ivory eyes, each
with an ink-splotch middle bullseye and emerald surrounding.
I've melted into buzzing, marble flowers
and eaten their red sand;
crescent moon fishing
and the pain from old highschool love letters.

Is that the smiling safter I canould'nt thig straight.
Hiccuping.


"Sir?"
"Do you know where you are at the moment?"

All the pretty things that have nothing to do with this,
but you find yourself longing to have the opposite.
I think I'm going to weep.
Heh, ha.


"Call hotel security."
"Tell them to check his room."

Galatians 3:13,
and then we can all be happy again.

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 29, 2008,
#2
Can I say something? Please don't be insulted. You are the best writer on UG. And my favourite.

To comment a pair of dicks... wow.

- ""Tell them to check his room, also."" - I quite dislike the added "also" here.
#3
Drop the 'also.'


This was awesome until the end. All the creativity and you went with "I decided to light a spliff instead?" Of the infinite ways to end this... you went bland... and it really hurt how I viewed this. If I take out that line, I love it, I worship it. If I leave in that line, I think, "that was nice." It just crushes the atmosphere you have going. Don't pull me out of the character with that, describe it like the character you've created... not some sober bystander. That whole stanza was just blah. Jerked me out of the tone and the mood and largely the entire allure of the piece.

Just my 2 cents... feel free to ignore.
#4
Actually, now that I have read your comment Zach, I agree. I never noticed previously how that ending altered the piece. Sticking with the same flow would of worked better, imo.
The way you wrote this was too damn good to change, even for an ending.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Can I say something? Please don't be insulted. You are the best writer on UG.
.


That struck me. It doesn't seem fair to tell him that in this setting. I don't know, not my place anywho.

I'll be back about the piece. It was good on the first read.
#6
Quote by #1 synth
That struck me. It doesn't seem fair to tell him that in this setting. I don't know, not my place anywho.


Sorry for spam, Kenty baby.


Dylan, that's really hypocritical. You have no problem telling matt and randy in their threads that you think that they are the best writers here... and you have no problem when others say it in their threads. If that is Dan's opinion, he is more than welcome to express it here... just like you are welcome to suck matt and randy's cocks in their threads. But don't play like he's the only one doing it, mate; or that its "unfair to everyone else."
#7
schmeditted!
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
Sorry for spam, Kenty baby.


Dylan, that's really hypocritical. You have no problem telling matt and randy in their threads that you think that they are the best writers here... and you have no problem when others say it in their threads. If that is Dan's opinion, he is more than welcome to express it here... just like you are welcome to suck matt and randy's cocks in their threads. But don't play like he's the only one doing it, mate; or that its "unfair to everyone else."


I was well aware of all of that when posting. That is to say, when I'm being hypocritical I am always painfully aware of it. I am hypocritical a lot, I am in pain a lot. It just came to mind. Oh well.

To echo Zack, Kent, sorry for spamming your thread.
#9
I am also sorry for spamming this thread, I hope this will be the last piece of spam from anyone. I feel its only fair I say this though.

I apologize sincerely to synth. If he feels it is not right to say what I said here, then I won't do it anymore. I believe firmly that people have valid opinions and I would rather agree and be polite than be a nuasance and continue to say what I feel like saying.
I know 'snyth' doesn't dislike people expressing their humble opinions, at all, but, if this particular case has offended you, I am sorry.

I love your new ending mate, very clever.
I stand corrected. Altering the piece slightly has improved it.
#10
i appreciate the constructive comments guys, and don't worry about the spam; but, aside from everything else here, can anybody give me some insight as to how bad this piece looks now?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 30, 2008,
#12
Pretty good.

I lose the reference at the end.

A different touch from you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
I love the first segway into the poem part of it, with 'screaming.' I can see that in real life, in a movie, in someone's mind.

I don't like "surrounding." It's too many syllables, it's too long, too much for the words around it, it's a break in stride to remain on this word for longer than necessary, and I find it unnecessary to stumble on train tracks.

This is good, but you can do better. Keep writing.
#15
^Well, of course the title is a play on a certain character we're all familiar with.
I used the apostrophe to indicate "Bond" as the individual's actual scenario in the piece; also to coincide with the Bible verse at the end.

Thank you guys for getting to this. I'm not too happy with it, which means it'll end up as scrap for the most part. Just trying some new things.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#16
The use of quotations on each new line was annoying/confusing, appeared to create a conversation where it was just one man speaking. Only complaint.

Fifth stanza was beautiful.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.