#1
Love is a Can of Fish

Toilet seat effigies sprayed with love and shit,
all hanging from bed posts with pleated sheets.
Moldy Roses sleep silently on the petal floor,
a carcase of sexy lies and undressed whores.

Three showers later and the stench remains.
I live in a can of Tuna.

She couldn't help but be impressed by my odor,
a salacious mix of brunettes and fat chicks,
their weight problems a constant noise to my head.
Go away, I don't care whether you're fat; you're beautiful.

Seven soap bars later and the stink still never lifts.
I live in a can of Sardines.

Its tough being a woman
they hunger quickly, but fast long and hard
like lions through African phases,
heating up in their period of anxiety;
cats with tongues made of silk.

Two skins later and I still fall in love

Take them out for Pizza and drinks,
pump them full of what you know as love,
and in the morning,
fish through the vomit
and take back your heart;

ready it for another day.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 29, 2008,
#4
wow, both of you...reported.

/lastlaugh.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
It's some how appealing, although strange at times. The more often you read it the more you understand it. I wish I could write like this.
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#8
warned

What is it with your stuff Dan? This is the 3rd.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
i think it shows through quite clearly,
but i'm finding myself in almost complete agreement with Dylan.
sorry i know it's not much to offer, i'll be back if i think of more that would be useful to you.

btw, thank you so very much for your comment on my last.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
What are 'African phases' meant to be?

I'll be back, anyways.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
It was only meant as a way of describing Lions being hot in 'heat'. If that makes sense? There's no really detailed analogy going on in there. Its the words around it that actually creates its sensibility.

#15
The writing is good, a lot of nice twists and turns. I don't like the use of fish as a metaphor, unless you are a truely sick person deep down and actually lay your head to rest in a can of tuna. Although I loved how you used fish here.... "fish through the vomit" I thought that was a little clever. Last line I also enjoyed.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#16
WOW! I really do like this. It's raw, raunchy, and says everything that it should.

I'd change the "she" in the 3rd stanza to a "they". Aren't they ALL impressed by your Eau de Toilet? I bet they are! Plus that is the only time you use "she" and everywhere else it's "they" and "them". It just seems kinda fishy to me. (OOOH CLEVER PUN ALERT)

Are there no brunette fat chicks? You make it seem that way in that third stanza. And what about blondes and redheads? Don't leave them out of the mix! EVERYONE NEEDS LOVIN!

And I love the fish referrences if you're reffering to what I think you're referring to. I'd add something about your fishy living quarters after "two skins later...". I think it'll give it more structure. Otherwise that line stands all by itself and cries out for a fishy companion.

And I'd add a "wild" to the cats. You're talking about lions and then I get the impression of a kitten. Wild adds to the image you're paiting in that stanza and also adds to the wildness of the entire piece. Chicks are like wild-cats, yo.

Yeah. That's about it. Great read!

...

c4c is in my sig
Either "Same Difference" or "List of Dreams".
Both would be nice, too!
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Sep 29, 2008,