#1
changes made...


a twisted red one
circles cold, bitter air
then crashes to the stony pavement.
red trickles down cracks in the cement
to find crisp, dark mud underneath.
shattered teeth leave marks in coppery stone.
the fallen moans.
something about doing something
to the mate that hit him

a twisted red one falls on
fallen friend.
head down
and at peace with the nights sounds
his headache sets in,
but he waits it out peacefully.
he never had much passion
for autumn leaves,
so he heaves himself up and
leaves,
mind numbed by
the autumn breeze.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at May 2, 2009,
#2
Quote by DigUpHerBones
a twisted red one hits the wind
and falls with sparkling grace,
Maybe adding "a" here between "with" and "sparkling" could accentuate the clean and crisp feeling of the falling leaves. A nice combination of the next paragraph and this.
red embraces the tarmac
with all the grace of the pints
crashing in to smashed mates at
the nights pub break.
all the grace of pizza
hitting a windscreen, "clean
yourself up mate and have a
drink on me",
First off, I don't like the repetitions of "grace" and "red". It would of been more appropriate it you had continued with a similer theme throughout, but you didn't, so it just feels lazy. This whole section feels like its only setting the tone, and its taken quite a few lines to accomplish that. It could of been condensed, while other thoughts could of been added to the mix.
but mate lies on the pavement
I don't like the way this is worded, even though it reminds me of stupid thugs hitting each other.
bloodied mouth groaning something
about doing something to
the mate who's now helping
(the one who swung the punch at him)
Kind of overly wordy. I'm afraid this whole verse didn't spark me with anything, apart from just being an introduction. It does make me want to read on, but its too long to be something that sets the scene. It could of been more than that with its length and ideas.

twisted red falls on
fallen friend. head down
and at peace with the
nights sounds his headache
sets in, but he waits it
out peacefully. he
never had much passion
for autumn leaves, so he
heaves himself up and
leaves,
mind numbed by
the autumn breeze.
This section is a true shine to read. Your line breaks were awesome and it had your glowing touch of beauty combined with the difficulties and ugliness of life.


The second verse is far superior to the first. The first did nothing really for me. In all, it did feel a little lazy. Loved the theme and the way it was so simply portrayed.

Digitally Clean
#3
The tone was excellent, but the awkward line breaks prevented me from diving too far into it. To give you an idea, around line 12 it started becoming prominent. It's fine when you finish thoughts on the next line, but when you break imagery up like that it is much less pleasant to read, especially when it's one right after the other (which didn't begin appearing until the second stanza).

Setting that aside, once again you've done an outstanding job of setting the scene and making me think I wish I was there. Glad you're still in this mood.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
It was decent. It was interesting to see how you were going to word each line after the next. As stated above the second verse is alot better. The first one is to choppy, and possibly a little difficult to follow.

But it was a decent read
Write it down.
#5
a twisted red one
falls with sparkling grace,
red embraces the
tarmac like crashing
pints at the pub break,
"clean yourself up mate
and have a drink on
me", but mate lies on
the pavement, bloodied
mouth groaning something
to the mate who's now
helping (the one who
threw the punch at him)

twisted red falls on
fallen friend. head down
and at peace with the
nights sounds his headache
sets in, but he waits it
out peacefully. he
never had much passion
for autumn leaves, so he
heaves himself up and
leaves,
mind numbed by
the autumn breeze.


I think this is an improvement, do people agree?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I like the original second stanza more.

You have improved greatly on the first, but it's a bit sketchy. It's not half as eloquent as the second.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
a twisted red one
circles cold, bitter
air and crashes to
the stony pavement.
red trickles down cracks
in the cement and
finds the crisp, dark mud
underneath. his shattered
teeth leave marks in the
coppery stone. the fallen
moans something about
doing something to
the mate that hit him.
twisted red falls on
fallen friend. head down
and at peace with the
nights sounds his headache
sets in, but he waits it
out peacefully. he
never had much passion
for autumn leaves, so he
heaves himself up and
leaves,
mind numbed by
the autumn breeze.

?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 2, 2008,
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones

..... punch
mark throbs. the fallen
moans something about
doing something to
the mate that hit him.....


this is the part I dislike most.

The two complaints I have are phrase "punch mark throbs" It feels choppy to read....If that makes any sense?
Also, the proximity of the use of the word something. It seems like you could get rid of one of the two uses and the statement would flow better.

Other than that, I liked it. I guess the odd breaks between each line were slightly distracting at first, but after reading through a few times it felt more comfortable.

Crit back if you have time...https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=968767
Quote by Sonicxlover
I once told a Metallica fan I liked Megadeth, and he stabbed me 42 times.
Last edited by bigwilly at Oct 1, 2008,
#9
Only going to say this, much better, the most recent version, that is.

Although something is still lacking from it. I don't know what it is so I'm going to shut up.
#10
Just posting so I know where to come back to later.

EDIT: Ok, so I keep trying to post and my internet just freezes, but for the record, I only had two issues and they were minor details like line breaks. I think this piece was wonderful and I can't find much fault in it.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Oct 2, 2008,
#11
^ That'd be nice, cheers.

I agree with you, Mr. Goldfish, this is too 'this happened, then this, then this', I think. I've tried to rectify that a tiny bit. Opinions would still be greatly appreciated and I'll get to people as soon as I can
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
ima mangle this one up with a few ideas.
see if you like any of them.



a twisted red one
circles cold, bitter
air and crashes to
change and to then.
reinforces the sequence.

the stony pavement.
drop the
you might even change to to on in the previous. idk

red trickles down cracks
in the cement and
change and to to
finds the crisp, dark mud
change finds the to find
underneath. his shattered
drop his
teeth leave marks in the
drop the
coppery stone. the fallen
moans something about
doing something to
the mate that hit him.
change that to who.
the repeat of something is blah.
either change/lose one of them
or add even more vagueness.
the fallen someone
some mate.

twisted red falls on
fallen friend. head down
and at peace with the
nights sounds his headache
sets in, but he waits it
out peacefully. he
never had much passion
for autumn leaves, so he
heaves himself up and
leaves,
mind numbed by
the autumn breeze.

mucking around with prepositions, pronouns, articles - or omitting some all together
changes the voice dramatically without much change in the idea itself.
adding / omitting them, is an easy way to alter rhythm when necessary
but in a piece like this, it's more a question of "feel" and "voice".

i'm not saying any of the changes i suggested are "better".
they just change the tone. maybe you'll enjoy the way they sound. w/e



Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#13
I have edited, not all of what you said but for the most part I agree. I'll probably tear this up one more time, though. Thanks very much, they change the tone a lot, especially to make it match the last stanza more

SYKy, care to say if you actually hate it or not?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
Katie, I'll be back shortly.

I woke up this morning feeling like reading your piece. I must say that I enjoy it a lot right now. Like. A whole lot.

I'm busy in the next few hours but it won't be too long...
#15
Quote by DigUpHerBones
SYKy, care to say if you actually hate it or not?
it doesn't knock me out, but i don't think it was intended to.
there's a lot to like here. images, gaps, metaphor. it's a bit sketchy, in a good way.

hate it? not. most definitely not.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#16
Quote by DigUpHerBones
changes made...


a twisted red one
circles cold, bitter
air then crashes to
the stony pavement.
red trickles down cracks
in the cement to
find crisp, dark mud
underneath. shattered
teeth leave marks in
coppery stone. the fallen
moans. something about doing
something to the mate
that hit him Here is the problem "something about doing something to the mate that hit him" lacks punch. Its fine all the way up to here, but it needs to be stronger i think.

a twisted red one falls on
fallen friend. head down
and at peace with the
nights sounds his headache
sets in, but he waits it
out peacefully. he
never had much passion
for autumn leaves, so he
heaves himself up and
leaves,
mind numbed by
the autumn breeze.I don't like the repitition of autumn. get rid of the second autumn.


I'm really nitpicking with this one. Thats how good it is. Well written, but it didn't leave a lasting impression. I dunno, maybe i'm just too tired. link in my sig "Nighttime A City"