#1
ok, now it is ready.

i dont know if
our long talk in his car
was more than me
babbling on about
prosperity.

gone for weeks.
the hibernated,
hyphenated sails i call
manic digestion.

chew everything up,
while it's good.
you let it settle
then turn every piece
of waste, every apple core
purple.
as to stop the thumping
of a healthy pulse.

she was more then
a piece of meat.
the greens were there too.
peppers looked bright.
i swallowed.

the edges of my stomach
became tight.
brianna began to settle
like a warm glass of soda.
all the bubbly she had
popped open with a fizz
in the last few minutes
before bed.

i awoke gut wrenching,
veins gone violet.
next to me was vommit.
maybe five green beans,
chunks of beef,
all in a caramel soup
without the carbonation.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Sep 29, 2008,
#2
let's see.... (will edit in)

first thoughts : I still don't like the beginning... This really got better with the additions though... (will still edit in) than----> then

"then turn every piece
of waste, every apple core
purple. "

The flow gets disrupted here. I think the reader can hardly stay on track with your thoughts upon first read. We get what you mean, but the first few times I had to stop and re-read the passage just to make it coherent.

I didn't like "piece of meat" but taken in context, especially with the upcoming stanzas, it's perfect.

everything else you added is just great writing. you really did save the piece here. You went from mediocre to way above average. I'd still love to see some work on the opening, but as it is now, it really stands on it's own.

Great work, especially if you added all of this in such a short time span.
Last edited by circular.parade at Sep 29, 2008,
#3
this left me with the feeling of vodka.
both of them.

edit: what? I did post that. I'll be back. I preferred this version, but the same as what I said about the first one applies. I still enjoyed it more, but it's the handpicked ideas that hit me, so the form didn't change them too much.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 29, 2008,
#5
"she was more then
a piece of meat.
the greens were there too.
peppers looked bright.
i swallowed."

loved this bit. great play on words
#6
Apart from the first two verse's a really liked this. There really isn't much more I feel I am capable of adding. I've been reading this over the last 10-or-so minutes and I can't really find much to dislike, apart from what I already mentioned. I don't know excatly what it is I dislike about your introduction, it just doesn't set any sort of tone. Its like you wrote everything else first and then tagged on a beginning.

Digitally Clean
#7
My comment from it's predecessor still applies.

Nice work. Keep posting.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
Everything I put on my plate that is beautiful, cycles through my psyche, and comes back trash.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#9
Quote by freshtunes
maybe five green beans,
just to get a better understanding before i crit, is this meant as slang for the pharmaceutical Tylox? or meant in the literal sense of "green beans?"
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
there is no connection between the green beans and tylox.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror