#1
help me think of naming it?

i havent written all of the lyrics but so far this is what i got..then the solo..then i stopped writing


"It's midnight, we're all alone

900 miles away from home

Rambling, out in the dark

In history we'll make out mark

No moonlight, cant find our way

In this world, there is no day

Wandering around, we dont know

With the sound of death, stepping on our toes"


what do you guys think?


EDIT: id like to add that this is my first time writing lyrics..im not good with words to yeah, be brutally honest if need be

this is my 11th song i have written but first with lyrics
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
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This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
Last edited by amazing FretMan at Sep 30, 2008,
#2
Quote by amazing FretMan
help me think of naming it?

i havent written all of the lyrics but so far this is what i got..then the solo..then i stopped writing


"It's midnight, we're all alone

900 miles away from home

Rambling, out in the dark

In history we'll make out mark

No moonlight, cant find our way

In this world, there is no day

Wandering around, we dont know

With the sound of death, stepping on our toes"


what do you guys think?


EDIT: id like to add that this is my first time writing lyrics..im not good with words to yeah, be brutally honest if need be

this is my 11th song i have written but first with lyrics

Not bad at all for a first attempt.

If you can stand a little constructive criticism, the last line to me is a bit of an anti-climax, I'd probably replace it with something like 'Which direction we should go.'
It rhymes better and makes more sense than a sound stepping on someone's toes.
#3
Quote by SlackerBabbath
Not bad at all for a first attempt.

If you can stand a little constructive criticism, the last line to me is a bit of an anti-climax, I'd probably replace it with something like 'Which direction we should go.'
It rhymes better and makes more sense than a sound stepping on someone's toes.



hmmm thanks for the idea..

what if i were to put " and there was death, stepping on out toes" ?


i want it to have some effect before i kick off the solo

think of jimi hendrix and hey joe... he says " i gave her the gun, i shot her" then goes into solo..thats the effect im looking for
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
Quote by Devopast
This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#4
Quote by amazing FretMan
hmmm thanks for the idea..

what if i were to put " and there was death, stepping on out toes" ?


i want it to have some effect before i kick off the solo

think of jimi hendrix and hey joe... he says " i gave her the gun, i shot her" then goes into solo..thats the effect im looking for


That works better, or how about 'Death's always close in this freezing snow'?

It's always worth remembering that if you're struggling with one line, it's possibly because of the line before it.

A technique I use when writing lyrics is to go through the alphabet with a word, so in this case, you're looking for a word to rhyme with 'know' so that would give us a choice of;
Bow
Caw or Claw
Dough
Foe or Flow
Go
Hoe
Jaw
Law
Paw
Raw
Saw or Snow
Last edited by SlackerBabbath at Sep 30, 2008,
#5
Quote by SlackerBabbath
That works works better, or how about 'Death's always close in this freezing snow'?

It's always worth remembering that if you're struggling with one line, it's possibly because of the line before it.

A technique I use when writing lyrics is to go through the alphabet with a word, so in this case, you're looking for a word to rhyme with 'know' so that would give us a choice of;
Bow
Caw or Claw
Dough
Foe or Flow
Go
Hoe
Jaw
Law
Paw
Raw
Saw or Snow



thanks so much dude! your a good teacher aha
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
Quote by Devopast
This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#6
Quote by amazing FretMan
thanks so much dude! your a good teacher aha

Anytime bud, and cheers.
Last edited by SlackerBabbath at Sep 30, 2008,
#7
Is it just me or do a whole bunch of those not rhyme?
Quote by Zaphod_Beeblebr
Theory is descriptive, not prescriptive.


Quote by MiKe Hendryckz
theory states 1+1=2 sometimes in music 1+1=3.
#8
Quote by The_Sophist
Is it just me or do a whole bunch of those not rhyme?



it rhymes in how you sing it


alone

away from home


way

day

know

toes
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
Quote by Devopast
This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#9
Quote by amazing FretMan
hmmm thanks for the idea..

what if i were to put " and there was death, stepping on out toes" ?


i want it to have some effect before i kick off the solo

think of jimi hendrix and hey joe... he says " i gave her the gun, i shot her" then goes into solo..thats the effect im looking for


hate to point this out, but "i shot her" is not equivalent to "stepping on our toes"
ones goes woah! the other goes what?
XU
#10
Im gonna be slightly brutal:
For a first song, its pretty good. Not really a new theme, been done a million times before.
It does seem well executed though. You'll also need to add quite a bit more to it. Try making it a little more spooky, and a little less unpredictable.
Give me a nudge once you've worked on it, and ill crit the newer version
#11
The last two lines didnt do it for me.

I would have wrote something that made it a bit more mysterious.

"Wandering around, we know weve came for more."
"With the sound of death, screaming on the floor."
Write it down.
#12
This is really good for a first attempt! =]

I really how you used imagery in the No moonlight part good job!

Just keep it up =]


C4C?
#14
Quote by SlackerBabbath
Not bad at all for a first attempt.

If you can stand a little constructive criticism, the last line to me is a bit of an anti-climax, I'd probably replace it with something like 'Which direction we should go.'
It rhymes better and makes more sense than a sound stepping on someone's toes.


maybe lonelyness ??