#1
exhausting
fresh
entertained
too much tv
thrown into the corner of the lost and found box
erased
told I won't
grinned in the face
a fight or a little death
play a useless song
mouth too tight
but got the girl for once
balance on the edge of the skyscraper rooftop
my car's wheel broke
hurried
harried mind
an abbotoir
haughty in the museum of contemporary art
it's my fault
it always has been
and here i am again
in a dusty room
with nothing but my successes and failures
for company


like smoking cigarettes and sneering at the kiddie table.
#2
Okay, this just seems extremely random. The lines make sense on their own, but when you look at the piece as a whole, it just doesn't flow from what I can see, spare the last section. "it's my fault.........for company" I really liked the way it seemd to round it off. Perhaps leave out the last line though, it doesn't seem to add anything. :/
#4
Yea it is really random. But it is pretty good, you can feel your mood and how you feel real well but I guess the only real critique i got is just fix up the rhythm of it but without making it predictable. Good job man.
#5
good text mate, could someone please go down and check and help me on my text? It's called soldier's story, pretty new
#6
In fact, after all this reading, I don't have much to say. One thing to note though, from my opinion, is that after this line: "my car's wheel broke..." I lost my train of thought and I became a little boy in a sea of houses. And not really in a good way.

Your last line has totally gone way over my head, I really fail to figure anything out from the latter part to this. I'm glad there was no paragraphing, as it would of made it even more baffling. Maybe you could try and make it clearer. I imagine you must hate hearing that, I certainly hate saying it, but sometimes its all that needs to be said.
Sorry I didn't lend much to this.

Digitally Clean