#3
Wow... Seems like someone's fishing for a positive crit on their own material...

You really think that's a song? Honestly, it seems like you thought of, maybe, two lines and then just thought of a few more lines and posted it. Do you really consider that a whole song? It has lot more to go if it would actually be a song. What does it mean? It just seems like a short non-rhyming :poem" with no rhyme or meaning. Care to elaborate? What genre would this be lyrics to? How long would the song be?
#5
the only thing i could really pick up on that kind of messed the flow up a tad, and to be grammatically correct, -
For I’ve laughed with a dying voice
for it’s the season. The handsome children
there's got to be someway to reconstruct that first line with the removal of "For," because the second line works great with it.

maybe something to the caliber of: "And I have laughed with a dying voice..." ....idk. it just reads a tad awkward at the moment.
that's all i've got Fred.
it's all just really great stuff with you man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
i kind of like this the whole thing sort of jumped off the screen for me... it is kind of short for a song tho? what kind of music is it to be played to? you could use it as like a starting poem style thing and then do a interesting instrumental afterwards.. hammering drums at the start and then they slow down and the guitars start to build.. or whatever u so choose this could be fantastic let us know how it turns out