#1
Ok so this is my first time posting lyrics here I believe. I'm not very creative when it comes to lyrics and this one only took me a couple hours. I really don't think it's that great but here it goes. I love critiquing song lyrics so I will hit you up with a critique of a song of your as well.

How Can God Bless America?:

"One Nation, under God," so they claim. The same God who has been kicked out of our schools. The same God who has been rejected by society. We've shut him out, locked Him up. Slowly but Assuringly.

Chorus (Singing):
Terrible things happen here everyday
It's saddening to see His love fade away
(back to screaming)
Like the killing of a peaceful, innocent dove
This nation's been deprived of His care, of His love.
x2
How can God bless America when we've kicked him out?

How can God bless American culture, bless our children's schools? He no longer allowed to bless American rules. It's time for us now, to fight the good fight. Use all our, strength. Use all our might.

Chorus

(Breakdown)
God Bless America
How Can God Bless America
x2
We've kicked Him out.

Ok, so after reading it and taking the time to type it, I've realized it's a piece of crap and kinda biased. Should I just discard it? haha It seemed like a good subject to write about at the time...

Being as it is, constructive feedback is still appreciated.

Thanks.
#2
I think it's pretty cool, I see a lot of potential of using it in a real song, I have to admit, I'm not a believer, and I'm not into making lyrics about christianity and stuff, but these lyrics can be used for people who believe in god and also for people who don't, it can be used as a sign that people should believe in god again (which is great for believers) and it can be used as a kinda joke about how people keep saying that god is responsible for everything but that in the meantime they **** everything up and are too ****ing irresponsible to clear up there own mess, and therefore they say god will fix it for them...

but anyway, great lyrics, I like them
Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly; man got to sit and wonder, 'Why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land; man got to tell himself he understand.


#3
1. A Christian.
2. A Nationalist.

Your sir, are not going to be on my friend list.
#4
Quote by Fi-Fi
1. A Christian.
2. A Nationalist.

Your sir, are not going to be on my friend list.


His sir is not going to be on your friend list?


On topic, was rather cliched. Nothing really stood out that much. Decent effort, though. Why don't you try to give it an edit and see what comes out of it.
#6
Quote by FaDe2bLaCk242
Ok so this is my first time posting lyrics here I believe. I'm not very creative when it comes to lyrics and this one only took me a couple hours. I really don't think it's that great but here it goes. I love critiquing song lyrics so I will hit you up with a critique of a song of your as well.

How Can God Bless America?:

"One Nation, under God," so they claim. The same God who has been kicked out of our schools. The same God who has been rejected by society. We've shut him out, locked Him up. Slowly but Assuringly.

Chorus (Singing):
Terrible things happen here everyday
It's saddening to see His love fade away
(back to screaming)
Like the killing of a peaceful, innocent dove
This nation's been deprived of His care, of His love.
x2
How can God bless America when we've kicked him out?

How can God bless American culture, bless our children's schools? He no longer allowed to bless American rules. It's time for us now, to fight the good fight. Use all our, strength. Use all our might.

Chorus

(Breakdown)
God Bless America
How Can God Bless America
x2
We've kicked Him out.

Ok, so after reading it and taking the time to type it, I've realized it's a piece of crap and kinda biased. Should I just discard it? haha It seemed like a good subject to write about at the time...

Being as it is, constructive feedback is still appreciated.

Thanks.



Hmm this was interesting. Im not a big fan of writing with religious themes but I must say I agree with your point in the song.

How can God bless America when we've kicked him out?


I feel as if kicked is the wrong word to use here. I dont know. It strikes me as a bit to "Childish". Like we "kicked" the ball on the playground. I may have used "Blocked" but I dont know. Seems a little more fitting. "We blocked him out of hearts."

Although kicked probably has a better flow to it, and does correspond well with the whole "God in School" theme. So idk. Im torned on that issue.

But ignore that lol. Nice piece
Write it down.
#7
I dunno man. I like it. It can use revision, but noone writes a perfect song first time through cept guys like Mozart and Woody Guthrie. Dont loose your agression. Who cares about being poetic and crap? only the writers in this forum. To these guys you have to use sad analogies and gut-wrenching imagery for it to be good. The only thing gut-wrenching about it for me is how pathetic it is. (rant) Seriously though, have you ever read the lyrics to 'Freewill' by Rush? Theyre brilliant, but still very straightfoward; as most of Neil Peart's lyrics are. The song is a masterpiece.
Keep rockin.
Last edited by PenFighter19 at Oct 1, 2008,
#8
I really like this song, you put a good view on things and its enjoyable to read but just rewrite it a little. I think it could be a really good song but its definitely in the rough.
Good job
#9
I love the idea presented here. I really liked the verses (the stanzas not broken into lines). However I think the chrous could use some tweaking, especially the first two lines. Also did you consider that fact that our money says "In God we trust".? I bet you could use that some how. Anyways, you picked a good subject to right about, it just needs some flowering up.

Crit mine please
Cup O' Joe
#10
I really like the styl of this song, i could hear it in my head as i read it (altho it douse need some work).
#11
Wow i was expecting to be flamed hardcore for this haha. Thanks for the advice/inspiration guys!
#12
I think it flows nicely. Nothing really stood out to me, but I did like it, and would listen to it if it were a finished song. I think you should keep it. If there are parts you don't like, you can always change them later. For now, I'd say keep it as is. I think its a solid effort. I could picture a nice heavy riff playing while I was listening to this song. I also pictured rob from pillar singing it. Lol. I think it has potential.

Feel free to crit my song "Your Time To Shine" tear it apart if you want.