#1
A true story that just happened, a bed time story for you all. inb4 TLDR

After a good day of lounging about on the pool deck blasting away at my braincells with rum, occasionally putting a calorie or two towards the task of staining my fence, I turn to lighter subjects indoors. A good episode of "House" and a few mind erasers later and I am just about ready for late night internet surfing/pooping... or so had I thought.

I enter my bathroom and set my laptop down upon my hamper, which faces my throne. Just when I am to ready my buttocks, I look to see my computer besieged by the one and only, my arch nemesis, the brown recluse spider. Had I sat down, I would have put my face mere inches away from this unholy behemoth. Thinking fast, I leapt sideways out of the bathroom, simultaneously pulling my pants up and crashing headlong into my guitar and amplifier. Realizing I could not possibly smite this evil-doer with the mighty throes of rock, I sat my axe aside and skewered my fears, ready for the beast. I grabbed a cutlass from the corner, (one that had been gifted to me, while drunk, from a drinking buddy while at the Key West Pirate Museum) and charged into the bathroom. The spider still sat upon my keyboard, staring at me as if to pounce. Fortunately the toilet set remained open from my previous poop attempt, in perfect position for the best three point shot history has ever seen. All I needed to do was keep calm, and gently scoop him into the toilet, assist with the flush, and my worries would be gone. I readied myself with two hands upon my blade and got into the best samurai position I could image. Knowing that I had to have the touch of a surgeon to spare my laptop any harm, my nerves ran high. Suddenly the spider moved. Not much, but just. We were now locked into an epic duel. He knew what was coming, and was not to be taken easily. I moved before he could take the offensive, screaming "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!" I sprang forward and hit my mark with great precision, smashing him sideways right towards the target.

It was over in a flash and I had him. I looked into the toilet and to my surprise, there was nothing there!! He had evaded!!! I was panic stricken but alert. I readied my sword for another blow, bringing it shoulder high. I could feel his eyes on me. I dont know what took my attention, but I turned my head upwards, and found my target...scurrying down my sword, inches from my hands!! THE SNEAKY BASTARD! With a scream and a lucky throw, the sword left my hands and clanged across the bathroom floor, somersaulting pointy end first right into the toilet. Along with the loud splash from the blade, I thought I heard a secondary kaploosh. To my great luck I indeed found him swimming inside my toilet bowl. With a rush of excitement and nausea from my drunkenness, I pushed down the handle of fate, and waved good bye to my worthy adversary. Once down, I gave him a complementary 10 extra flushes and then began my late night poop, another story in and of itself.
#6
congrats on a foe defeated! i attempted battle with a similar adversary just the other night but nigh..he escaped and his probably plotting a counter strike, thankfully it's not nearly as dangerous as a brown recluse.
#7
Quote by Josh Shiells
You can't inb4 TLDR.

This isn't /b/.

Anway...
...wow, that was gay.



sorry you didnt like it. hope it made you feel good to tell me so. I mean, this isnt /b/, its not all hate here.
#8
dude, that was actually pretty entertaining. nice


also, spiders scare the shiiiit out of me. O_o
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Are you asking if midgets can draw people that are themselves smaller than the average person, or if midget drawings in general are smaller?
#9
nice, your face could've been rotted into a blackened shell if you'd failed. You do a credit to your people, good sir.
#10
dude that was a great story and very well written. If i had a cookie, I'd give u one.
Quote by n to the k
^ you are wise


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There's been sooo many threads done on this; I don't even wanna hear that you used the searchbar. Staring at it and giggling does not count.
The worlds fu cked up and we lit the fuse, its all used up what you gonna do?
#11
good work mate, and dont listen to all the other grumpy old bastards that was a good storey.

This is by no means a said "EPIC" thread highjack, but rather a not so epic thread hijack on the same topic.

As i had finished my evening off by listening to metallica's new album for the tenth time, i decided it was time for a shower and for some well earned sleep. As i walk into the toilet to do my pre shower shit, i notice my window is open and there is a plesent breeze which is a good thing on a hot night like this said one ( about 10.00pm). So i find the appropriate loo paper from in the loo paper holder thingo, just as i pick it up i hear a rustling coming from the top corner of my toliet and as i slowly turn my head, wondering what beast is habitating my loo, and there is it, a bat staring back at me. Its eyes as black as night (or it may just me i didnt have the light on) it leaps from its position and lunges at me, i utilise my fantastic dodging abilities (being a sort of mediumish guy in a school obsessed with rugby isnt the best thing) and dodge it. It missed its mark and slams into my window (thinking that it was going for the open part of the window) and falls to the floor. and then it leaps up again and starts going nuts in my bathroom. So i leave the room and come back with a towll, intending to grab it and hoick it out the window from whence it came. so i bravely jump in with my trusty bat catching towel in hand, my towel hits it in midflight, and makes a dive for the floor. The next thing i hear is a big splash from the inards of my loo, then realise the poor little bugger had dived into my loo. as i look down to see if i can get him out i see a empty toilet. I looked around and i cone to the conclusing that hes dove so deep into my loo hes gone past the s bend. just to make sure hes not stuck anywhere, i get a glove and very gingerly seel my way around my toilets s bend....nothing. so figuring the poor little thing i dead by now i flush the toilet, forget about the whole thing and do my shit.
Quote by DownInAHole.
I pop boners all the time in church. I guess i become really horny at the thought of God.


Quote by Dreadnought
Because there's a dick in your mouth. It doesn't matter if it's your own. Eating your own shit doesn't make it not ass-nasty.
#12
Quote by TheRealBadams
good work mate, and dont listen to all the other grumpy old bastards that was a good storey.

This is by no means a said "EPIC" thread highjack, but rather a not so epic thread hijack on the same topic.

As i had finished my evening off by listening to metallica's new album for the tenth time, i decided it was time for a shower and for some well earned sleep. As i walk into the toilet to do my pre shower shit, i notice my window is open and there is a plesent breeze which is a good thing on a hot night like this said one ( about 10.00pm). So i find the appropriate loo paper from in the loo paper holder thingo, just as i pick it up i hear a rustling coming from the top corner of my toliet and as i slowly turn my head, wondering what beast is habitating my loo, and there is it, a bat staring back at me. Its eyes as black as night (or it may just me i didnt have the light on) it leaps from its position and lunges at me, i utilise my fantastic dodging abilities (being a sort of mediumish guy in a school obsessed with rugby isnt the best thing) and dodge it. It missed its mark and slams into my window (thinking that it was going for the open part of the window) and falls to the floor. and then it leaps up again and starts going nuts in my bathroom. So i leave the room and come back with a towll, intending to grab it and hoick it out the window from whence it came. so i bravely jump in with my trusty bat catching towel in hand, my towel hits it in midflight, and makes a dive for the floor. The next thing i hear is a big splash from the inards of my loo, then realise the poor little bugger had dived into my loo. as i look down to see if i can get him out i see a empty toilet. I looked around and i cone to the conclusing that hes dove so deep into my loo hes gone past the s bend. just to make sure hes not stuck anywhere, i get a glove and very gingerly seel my way around my toilets s bend....nothing. so figuring the poor little thing i dead by now i flush the toilet, forget about the whole thing and do my shit.


And as you take your shit it flys right back out the toilet and up your ass.
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#13
*Sigh*

You think that was a worthy adversary? Wait until I enact plan B! *Evil laughing ensues*
return 0;

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