#1

He leans back casually, in the way of a man under the mist of coffee and weed,
that slight sneer and snicker on the tongue, with an eye
half closed, fluttering like a drunken butterfly.
It might just be a tick but I love it anyway.
My mind programs closed eyes and sinks in to dreams of the sea,
I ponder what that means.
I realise we're not talking, so release a small cough (not enough to catch much attention)
and find that he's thinking the same thing

A quick laugh restarts the conversation,
a slow discussion on philosophy and how the world began (he's Muslim)
but we realise the silence was more fun
so find a reason to shut up and stare again

Door opens. I leave.
I believe it was predetermined
but I'm flattered that he thinks God made me.


ots & c4c.
will get back to all from tuther one too.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 5, 2008,
#2
You're really progressing as a writer. I'm glad I'm here to see it I'll get back to this later tonight.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#3
This was ok, couple of bright spots (last 4 lines, the rhyme in the middle), but for the most part... it sort of seemed to just drag a bit. Like it needed something to tick it up just a notch. The relaxed tone was nice, but the pace (as determine by punctuation and line-breaks) was just a tad slow. I needed more information per second to really draw me in. I've tried reading it faster, and just find that I can't. Something about the way it is written makes me read at a predetermined, but slow speed. If it could just pop along a little quicker somehow, I think this would be much more enjoyable. Could just be the fact that this is essentially prose, but with line breaks (which I am more than okay with) but the fact that you used a lot of line breaks instead of just a few. Felt like every time a line really got going, I had to stop and drop a line. Don't be afraid to let a line be longer... seems you always want your pieces to be comprised of short lines, but I'd love to see what you could do if you were willing to have 10-11-12 words in a line instead of 6. Especially in your novella style pieces, I think this could really help carry the piece along and stop it from "dragging" in the middle.

I really loved your last 4 though. Gorgeously cynical.
#4
I liked the "relaxed tone" as Zach put it. However, I'm kind of picky when it comes to flow and the line breaks just throw off the flow. Also I would consider doing some the stanzas form the viewpoint of the muslim. (Perhaps the first couple). "Over the bomb wreaked table". I would also consider expadning on that line. I enjoyed the last two verses and the "but I'm flattered that he thinks Gofd made me" is just beautiful.

Crit mine please
Cup O' Joe
#5
I think the relaxed tone and slow speed are fine. To be honest, I can't see this being read at a faster speed. However, I agree with Zach, that this doesn't have enough info, or even activity, per second to continually draw me in. The first three stanzas were pretty and all, but the first one was the only one of them that actually intrigued me. And even then, it seemed to accomplish very little, considering how the pace of the piece was slow already.

The next two stanzas were much better (particularly the first line of them). They used the tone and pace well, but they started to drag. It's hard for me to say to put more activity in such a tonal piece, but it just feels like there's such little significance to what the characters are doing.
#6
I've edited the line breaks. Not sure if people thinks it improves it, but hey. I've written something I'll probably post soon that half-rectifies that.

Chak, I'd love an opinion if you have the time still .

Fairy nuft if people think there's no significance in it. I understand how you'd think it was too slow, too. Cheers, I'll probably edit this soon. Realise I shouldn't have posted it
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Well first off I love the imagery and what you're trying to do with this, it's a really good start. I love how it captures the beauty in an awkward situation. There's a few things that could do with tweaking though. The line breaks in a few places really take away from the natural flow of the words, for example, "...of a man under the mist..." would read much nicer if you were to bring the second "of" to the second line. "That slight sneer..." until the last line is a giant run-on sentence that feels dragged on too long. I'd try some different punctuation.

In the third stanza, "so release..." I'd put an "I" in between those words for clarification.

"I believe it was predetermined" comes back to the line about discussing the origin of the world, love it. Overall this was a really good read
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#8
Sea-sea?

S5 was horribly weak in comparison to the rest of the piece.

"fun so find" -- major turn off with your wording here. Borderline doesn't make sense.


Other than that, I thought this was a lovely elevator ride.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
Thanks everyone. I'll get back to you all soon

Edited quite a bit, though it's probably still not the final version. A thought or two would be nice, but I think I may have taken too much out for the piece to mean much.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
I enjoyed the tension build-up and the release, just to have it build up again. I'm going to nitpick on the first line and say the break detached it from the image you intended - instead I pictured a man limbo-ing under a layer of mist, before the real image even had a chance. I'll refrain from further nitpicking (I'm done with that, after I spent three hours one day on what I have to believe was your longest piece ever) and say this was a good story.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
First of all "I'm flattered he thinks God made me" is an incredible line. Simply badass.

I read this before but was too A.D.D. to get through it. It flowed much easier this time so it was a good idea to remove some of the line breaks.

The way you describe the man you're talking to is great. Everyone has a certain tick about them and you capture his wonderfully. You use "drunken" twice in 3 lines so I think you replace one of them with a different word. Probably the butterfly one. I'm sure you can come up with a word other than drunken to describe the behavior of the butterfly that can be compared with the twitching eye of your companion.

It seems that though you two are intelligent and do not jump into heated debates, trying to convince the other that you are right and he is wrong...you feel more comfortable in silence. The pattern of silence - conversation - silience (and perhaps conversation before the first silence which is implied in your saying "restarts" the convo...)

And you just bolt at the end. Leaving that world (and those philiosophies) behind. I dig it.

...

c4c "snooze button" when you get the chance yo. links in the sig.
#12
^ Thank you. I've edited it just that tiny bit more. I think I may finally be happy with it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
began*

'I ponder the thought of what that means.' 'the thought of' is superflous. Pondering is thinking, so you're just saying 'I thought about the thought of what that means'.

aside from that, thought it was ace. 1st stanza was my favourite bit, great description.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#14
You've perfected it now miss. It needs no more work. :]
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching