#1
It's probably a mistake to post this so early in its life, but I wanted to so badly. I hope you can bear with me on what I wanted to do with this piece. Half of this was on the spot. At this point, I think the piece will flop. But this all has to be said for me to feel happy, so enjoy what you can.

don't be fooled
she was there to be taken
you're not as locked up as you play it out to be.
but Katie's getting older now.
She'll wander off to party and
explore her body,
how many drinks it takes to black out.
And like a loser, I'm throwing a football out on the street,
feeling visible, but
always cutting the vines
that try to conceal me-
make me one with the land-
one of them.
I never went to prom.
I never got that dance.
I never casually placed that kiss upon her cheek.
I'm 19 years old,
and the time of my youth,
and all it's would-be romance
is dead and gone.

She doesn't know how close I've been
to cutting my throat like a fish fillet.
Maybe if I do it on her porch, she'll notice.
Anything to not wake up again.
To be forced to suffer the dawn
that wakes me, as if to say
"you still haven't found a way
to break free."
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 2, 2008,
#2
Best piece I've ever read from you. Nice job, Ben.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
Pretty good. I would only suggest a few minor changes of wording. Perhaps "you still haven't found a way to be free?"

"She doesnt know how close ive came to cutting.."

I think that would make it better.
#4
Quote by Ninjamonkey767

don't be fooled
a comma here would suit better than a line break
she was there to be taken
you're not as locked up as you play it out to be.
but Katie's getting older now.
a full stop followed by a 'but' always gets at me
She'll wander off to party and
just about here, the line breaks start to annoy me
I'm not in much of a position to say it right now, but they're far too choppy

explore her body,
how many drinks it takes to black out.
like this line a lot,
helps that I'm called Katie...

And like a loser, I'm throwing a football out on the street,
feeling visible, but
always cutting the vines
that try to conceal me-
make me one with the land-
one of them.
I never went to prom.
'to prom' is awkard. there's not much harm in adding the 'the'
I never got that dance.
I never casually placed that kiss upon her cheek.
I'm 19 years old,
and the time of my youth,
and all it's would-be romance
is dead and gone.
the phrasing lacks
and those
line breaks
againnn.


She doesn't know how close I've been
to cutting my throat like a fish fillet.
Maybe if I do it on her porch, she'll notice.
Anything to not wake up again.
To be forced to suffer the dawn
that wakes me, as if to say
"you still haven't found a way
to break free."
line breaks here are better, I much prefer the structure of this stanza, but the content of the other. You know you can rephrase this piece. Once you've had a go over it yourself, it can be wonderful. I'll check up, but if I don't, let me know when you've done so if you'd like a look. This is something I'll probably really enjoy once you've edited.


Well done. You know it needs an edit.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Personally I think this is the perfect encapsulation of sadness in poetry. Everyone knows that feeling, but at the same time, they don't, they can't see and feel inside someone's head. So its like walking down an alley that you know you have walked down before, but you still don't know who's lurking in that corner.

This is a true piece of writing. No one else can write this again. No one else will feel like you did again.

I don't believe changes are necessary, thats just me.

Just beautiful.
#6
I re-read this for about the seventh time, and scrap most of what I said before. It's lovely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 2, 2008,
#7
Goldfish: Thank you very much. Got a piece I can get to?

Katherine: Thanks for saying that you liked the content of the first stanza. I had posted this at 2am, and so while no one was looking, I did a massive edit on that stanza... several times. But it always felt like a precursor to the second stanza. Glad to see you enjoyed it, rather than skimmed through it.

Jake and Tangled: Thank you for the kind words.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 2, 2008,
#9
I second everyone's opinion here. You portray an excellent feeling of sadness in this piece. Awesome song, dude!
#10
congrats, much deserved
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
Thanks for this, guys. This really makes me feel good. I just wish more people trashed it, because I haven't really learned that much.

Still, many thanks all around to those who enjoyed this.
#12
Quote by Ninjamonkey767


don't be fooled
she was there to be taken
you're not as locked up as you play it out to be.
but Katie's getting older now.

Let's stop here, as this is where the tone change hits. These first four are so laid back and, frankly... a bit boring. I understand... you needed setup. But this is weak when you break it out on its own. You read these four lines alone and you think... "This is going to be a typical "coming of age/breaking free" piece, using Katie as a stand in for the author. I also HATED HATED the fact that you didn't put a period after the second line nor a comma after the first. Without the period, you switch subjects mid-sentence. First line is a neat tone started... the almost conversational tone that carries this piece is nice... but you really lose that when you address the "you." I don't really get that third line. Are you talking to katie? Are you talking to me? Then you switch back to Katie... Wtf?

She'll wander off to party and
explore her body,
how many drinks it takes to black out.
And like a loser, I'm throwing a football out on the street,
feeling visible, but
always cutting the vines
that try to conceal me-
make me one with the land-
one of them.

First four were heart felt and real and callously tangible. Last 5 were trying a bit hard to me. Could have stuck with a real scene and really made this connect to the "real scenes" below. But the metaphorical jazz sort of gets in the way for me.

I never went to prom.
I never got that dance.
I never casually placed that kiss upon her cheek.
I'm 19 years old,
and the time of my youth,
and all it's would-be romance
is dead and gone.

Powerful. Real. Reminds me of something I wrote in a fit of frustration a while back (For Dylan). I love that type of writing.

She doesn't know how close I've been
to cutting my throat like a fish fillet.
Maybe if I do it on her porch, she'll notice.
Anything to not wake up again.
To be forced to suffer the dawn
that wakes me, as if to say
"you still haven't found a way
to break free."

Dear Jesus, the first 3 blew me away. I wish you would have stopped there. End on that punch... make the suicide more real by ending the narration right there. Make the tone and the ending carry the notion of the piece. Plus those last 5 are really just a repetition... the only reason they are in there it to match up with line 3 in the first stanza and being "locked up." Lose the above line... lose these last 5. End powerfully. Like Sampson in the bible, he was a bad ass mother... killed people with an asses jawbone.




The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. the Tone carried it... but its not without its flaws. I wouldn't change it though outside of dropping the few lines (my personal opinion of course)... because changing something this emotionally charged doesn't carry much. I still liked it... told you I'd be negative though.

Congrats on WotW, Ben.
#18
i seem to be missing what everyone else appears to find so appealing. to me this reads like unjustifiably emotional teenage trash. i actually physically hate the narrator for being such an asshole.

edit: maybe it's just because i can't stand people who take this view on life. oh, and DigUp, the line breaks are fine (again).
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 6, 2008,
#19
Actually Skag, thanks. I'm just in this phase of my life right now, so my last few pieces are in that direction. I want to veer away from that, but still take something useful from it, so that's my focus right now.

Goldfishy, thanks.
#20
Quote by skagitup
oh, and DigUp, the line breaks are fine (again).



If you'd read my other post though, you've have seen that I've already said that!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#21
This is the last 2 years of my life.
And apart from the first few lines which seem a bit skewy and messy,
I find it hard to fault.
'Grats on WotW.
most deserved, for sure.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#22
congratueffinglations, chum.
btw, i owe you dozens - heed my words for you next piece.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#23
Quote by skagitup
i seem to be missing what everyone else appears to find so appealing. to me this reads like unjustifiably emotional teenage trash. i actually physically hate the narrator for being such an asshole.

edit: maybe it's just because i can't stand people who take this view on life. oh, and DigUp, the line breaks are fine (again).



You say that you do. Until something makes you take that point of view.

And trust me, it will happen.


Grats on the wotw. This is good.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#24
something about everyone's complaints seems right. sure, the theme is something that everyone feels.. but you can also take some kind of original concept to it. or just not fully base the piece on it. i guess that is where it comes off childish, it is nice to base little themes in a piece of the idea of killing yourself, but when the entire piece is just completely based on why you want to do it, it seems kind of silly. maybe next time be more indirect about it. make the cliches cloudy and people will get all happy.
#26
Quote by #1 synth
what kind of music is this set to?


I get this feeling that you're testing me... I don't have it set to music, and I wasn't intending to.


Pixiesfanyo: Thank you for the advice. This was just one of those rant-like things I had to get off my chest. Still, I should've kept the subject under tighter control. Suicide wasn't really the whole subject, just a facet of it, but I guess since the suicide was my characters only reaction, placing it at the end kinda categorized everything as "why I want to kill myself".