#1
Hide and Seek.

sniff sniff
cough cough
mirror says i'm fine
as i watched the
blood
drip drip
sniff sniff
cough choke.

And I kept hearing a small chuckle,
coming from the attic.
Every night I'd try to go to sleep -
the boards would creak and then
I'd hear the faint ghost-like laughter.
And I hated the attic, so very much.
Would've rather been driven mad
alone and still
under the sheets
than to peek my head into the dark
vacancy above me;
but someone once wise
said,
"you'll never know the peace,
until you've had the suffering."

Time to ante-up.
cough, ahem.

I said a prayer
and grabbed my kitana; the intruder shall
understand his mistake as well as the laughter
he disturbes my sleep with. everynight.
hands are sweaty, but nerves are steady
and well-stuffed into the little blue ones
draining down my nasal cavity.
sight is fine, but perception is swerved
perturbed
and drags the euphoric shores of
clogged. lungs. absorbed.
I can't do this.
sniff sniff choke.

I'll live to die another day.
And the
laughing laughing laughing
with the
open very open eyes
both black.
I am a predator,
silent, steady, still;
continuing as the mirror.

Time to find my balls, and -
cough.

I said a prayer
and grabbed my kitana; tonight the intruder
laughs no more. everynight.
hands are sweaty,
nerves are steady,
rapid eyes moving, ready -
the door opening:

And, alone was the Creator
as he sat there,
as I bled there.
He chuckled and said,
"Well I guess you've finally found me.
Where have you been?"

Easy, exhale;
breathe in;
awoke,
and for awhile
I could never stop laughing -
...cough cough
choke.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
me likey.


about the only useful things i have to add are:

tenses - look for situations such as S1L3&4. says (present) as (concurrent with) watched (past)
moving back and forth in time is not horrible, but it reads better without, imho.


drip/sniff/cough/choke - i love the way you play with those. maybe find one other something to add in, and save choke's first appearance to punctuate the end?

idk, that's all i have.

Meadows
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#5
Enjoyed the first stanza, what with the sniffin' and such. It sets up a great rhythm, but I'm not sure whether they carry any importance. In fact, my opinion of line three is lessened because they don't quite connect. Maybe you were just having some jolly fun, and if so, you did good. As a side note/buzzkill, I hated the cough choke. That didn't flow near as well. Saying it means you have to go cough - fchoke, if you know what I mean.

Also enjoyed stanza two. Seemed like the tone allowed you to get away with more of a dialogue.

Everything after that was more swervy, and I didn't quite connect with it, though there were some decent feelings expressed. The swervy feeling was set in stone by the ending, where I ended up taking very little from the piece. All this information, all those images about fear, and you find God? Like Zach said, a fun read, but it didn't feel pointed in terms of its concept. Still fun, though.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 2, 2008,
#6
Fun read. The sniffing and coughing definitely pulls you in at the beginning, although I wonder: how you plan on putting that into a song?

I like the self reflective aspect of it,

"Easy, exhale;
breathe in; "

It gives the notion of nervousness without spelling it out. Maybe you can play around with that some more-

I liked it overall, fun read and kept me interested. Gj
#7
thank you kind sirs for your opinions.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.