#1
So I'm having problems with self-confidence so I wrote this to kinda poke fun. For any Green Day fans this is very Nimrod-ish. C4C as always


I am the shit
And you are just a roll of toilet paper
So you wanna make something of your life?
Well listen up chump
You can do me a favor

Tell me I’m the best
Cause I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
How the stage lights up
Whenever I come near
I am the big cheese around here

I am a shot of tequila
And you are just the worm
I’m always gonna drown you in my sorrows
I just love watching you squirm

So, tell me I’m the best
Cause I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
How the stage lights up
Whenever I come near
I am the big cheese around here

I am a sandcastle
And you are just a pile of dirt
I am pornstar
And you are my forgotten shirt

So, tell me I’m the best
Cause I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
How the stage lights up
Whenever I come near
I am the big cheese around here

Tell me I’m the best
I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
Can’t you see all the things I’ve got?
Take a look at all the things I’ve got
Last edited by Mlnwd at Oct 3, 2008,
#2
Sorry but it stinks.
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Yamaha Pacifica 112
Alvarez SLM
Orange Dark Terror
Orange PPC212OB 2x12 cab
Yamaha P-85 Keyboard
#3
I think the problem lies in that your rhymes are predictable-
Try to take the simple rhymes and add something jarring and that might change the perspective of the song completely,

"I am a shot of tequila
And you are just the worm
I’m always gonna hover over you
I just love watching you squirm"

worm and squirm- predictable and simple-
the piece itself does not have a lot of imagery (which is not always bad, it's more stylistic) but i think changing these words here and there will make it more complex-

anywho, i hope that helps.
#4
I am the shit
And you are just a roll of toilet paper

I feel like you could do something really good with these two lines, but as they stand now they seem abrupt and jarring. Maybe if you switched them around to "You are just a roll of toilet paper / and I am the shit" and added something more to the "I am the shit" line, it would flow a little bit better.

So you wanna make something of your life?
Well listen up chump
You can do me a favor

Whatever happens to this will be related to the previous two lines, and while I like the idea in these, I'm not sure this is the right way to pull it off.

Tell me I’m the best
Cause I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
How the stage lights up
Whenever I come near
I am the big cheese around here

Nice. Nothing's wrong with this, as long as you execute it properly.

I am a shot of tequila
And you are just the worm
I’m always gonna hover over you
I just love watching you squirm

I'm really digging this stanza, except for the hovering part. What's that about? Doesn't it make more sense to say something like "I'm always gunna drown you," or something like that?

So, tell me I’m the best
Cause I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
How the stage lights up
Whenever I come near
I am the big cheese around here

See above. I do like the extra syllable with "So."

I am a sandcastle
And you are just a pile of dirt
I am pornstar
And you are my forgotten shirt

Excellent.

So, tell me I’m the best
Cause I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
How the stage lights up
Whenever I come near
I am the big cheese around here

Tell me I’m the best
I know I’m not
Let me brag about all the things I’ve got
Can’t you see all the things I’ve got?
Take a look at all the things I’ve got

I'm not sure I like those last two lines, but I think they could work if they're done right.

Overall, I think it's got a lot of good parts, but it seems jerky at points. With a little more refining, I bet it could be pretty good.