#1
Being Filial

Welcome home it's good to see you
Before you're off again so soon
Overcome with such emotion
A tiny child at the zoo

And the curator shows us off
Listing all our greatest feats
Likewise all we wonder of
Is sleepy, delicious meats

Along the briefest summary
Of the last month of our lives
Over coffee can't recall
A single weekend that's gone by

But the work stands out quite prominent
Though the writing I abhor
A brief flash of a Saturday
No, don't tell Mom about that *****

Her interests lie in accomplishments
In love, and work, and clean
All the things that I should take to heart
Though some I haven't seen
In a long time, most salient
The first and last I know...
But she's happy just for company
I hope she's happy with the show

In semi-ignorance she'll speculate
How I spent my nights ago
In sleepovers that don't end
With us taking off our clothes
But at reunions we are civil
A loving unit, kosher glow
Our fragile charm dothe lack confession
Mom loves what she doesn't know
#2
This is one of those pieces that is begging to be freed from conventional structure. The delivery is somewhat mechanical, because the meter has you rattling off facts, when it could be dealt with alot softer.

Regardless of the structure, though, the piece was a wonderful read. The intro was somewhat uninteresting, but you seemed to skip from one subject to the next with impeccible timing.
#3
Quote by Radical Bob
Being Filial

I'll assess this! As a songwriter by trade.

Welcome home it's good to see you
Before you're off again so soon
Overcome with such emotion
A tiny child at the zoo

Zoo and soon?
Perhaps not, methinks. It's good your looking away from moon and tune, but sometimes predictable rhymes are your friend.


And the curator shows us off
Listing all our greatest feats
Likewise all we wonder of
Is sleepy, delicious meats

How are delicious meats, which are somehow sleepy,
likewise to our greatest feats?


Along the briefest summary
Of the last month of our lives
Over coffee can't recall
A single weekend that's gone by

I like this. A lot.
Just a good, solid stanza.


But the work stands out quite prominent
Though the writing I abhor
A brief flash of a Saturday
No, don't tell Mom about that whore

I think you mean through, not though.
Abhor and whore don't really seem to fit in.
The syllables are wrong on the Mom line, and it comes across a bit nonsensical.


Her interests lie in accomplishments
In love, and work, and clean ?
All the things that I should take to heart
Though some I haven't seen
In a long time, most salient
The first and last I know...
But she's happy just for company
I hope she's happy with the show

Okay then...it makes sense, somewhat.
I thought at first it was a bit discombobulated and sporadic, but I get it.


In semi-ignorance she'll speculate
How I spent my nights ago
In sleepovers that don't end
With us taking off our clothes
But at reunions we are civil
A loving unit, kosher glow
Our fragile charm dothe lack confession
Mom loves what she doesn't know

Dothe lack? Wow, that makes you seem sophisticated.
I could have sworn you were a Shakespearean thesbian.
Nice use of kosher, to use it's other definitions.
Though most will see that as a reference to Judaism.


I'm new at this crit thing. Sorry if I've come across as harsh.
But I try to write music with a lot of meaning, too. But unless you're giving it to Rick Rubin or Serj Tankian, the meaning and the softness of the words, the brilliant synonyms and clever rhymes...they usually mean nothing when you finally present the work to the people who work the industry.
Keep the stanzas/verses even, syllable-wise.
This work, aside from a few things, is pretty good.
It's very Paul Simon/Ambulance LTD-esque.
And that can be a good thing.

Nice piece, Radical Bob.
You'll have to change it to Only Occaisionally Radical Bob soon.
#4
I think I'm going to be echoing a lot of what Josh said.

Ninjamonkey is spot on when he says it feels like its being constrained by a typical structure; I feel like that the first four stanzas could easily be made into two eight-line stanzas, like the last two are. Dropping the rhyme scheme for something more free-form, or perhaps even an internal rhyme in a couplet or line would have the same effect as the ABAB.

Quote by Radical Bob
Being Filial

Welcome home it's good to see you
Before you're off again so soon
Overcome with such emotion
A tiny child at the zoo

I like this stanza, and the rhyming (or lack thereof) between "soon" and "zoo" doesn't bother me, because you've done similar things in the rest of the song. I really like the shift of focus from the idea of the narrator being a tiny child being overcome with emotion, and then being the one in the zoo. Very clever, and you pulled it off flawlessly (rhyming notwithstanding).

And the curator shows us off
Listing all our greatest feats
Likewise all we wonder of
Is sleepy, delicious meats

Good imagery. Again, reinforces the idea of being in a zoo, and the opening line is mirrored by the stanza after this one.

Along the briefest summary
Of the last month of our lives
Over coffee can't recall
A single weekend that's gone by

Josh is right, this is perfect and solid. If you had a chorus, I think this would be it – it ties all the other ideas together in a coherent but concise way.

But the work stands out quite prominent
Though the writing I abhor
A brief flash of a Saturday
No, don't tell Mom about that *****

This seems to stand out a bit from the rest of the song. In addition to what Josh said from a technical standpoint, I think you need some context for this. Up until this point, everything transitions into the next idea very well, but this seems like a very abrupt change. If you were trying to connect the idea of the summary of the last month, I think that using "work" connotes the wrong idea – when I read it, I think of a work of art or (because of the second line) a novel.

Her interests lie in accomplishments
In love, and work, and clean
All the things that I should take to heart
Though some I haven't seen
In a long time, most salient
The first and last I know...
But she's happy just for company
I hope she's happy with the show

This is good. When written out, some of the sentences seem to be broken off in weird points, but I realize that this for syllable counts and that it won't really matter that much when it's sung.

As a personal opinion, I would change the lines "But she's happy just for company / I hope she's happy with the show" to "But she's happy just for company / and I'm just happy with all her shows" or something along those lines.

In semi-ignorance she'll speculate
How I spent my nights ago
In sleepovers that don't end
With us taking off our clothes
But at reunions we are civil
A loving unit, kosher glow
Our fragile charm dothe lack confession
Mom loves what she doesn't know

This stanza flows well but it takes the reader by surprise. I feel like there are a number of different interpretations from the benign to the sinister to the socially inappropriate (which is what I assume you were going for, but this is just my interpretation). The kosher bit is excellent for the reasons Josh said before.

Naturally, these are all opinions. Take them or leave them.

Edit: Somehow I failed to mention that I think this song is absolutely brilliant, from the symbols to the ideas. If anything, it's just rough around the edges.
Last edited by GSD at Oct 3, 2008,
#5
Ninjamonkey is spot on when he says it feels like its being constrained by a typical structure; I feel like that the first four stanzas could easily be made into two eight-line stanzas


That's not what I'm talking about.

I feel that you forced yourself into a pre-planned structure. I feel as if it came first, then content. I feel as if you had a great line, and then snipped at it until it fit the meter. I guess "meter" is the word I should have used before.

The tone in this piece was good, and I felt that it was good enough to influence the way someone reads this piece. What I'm saying is, let it influence the piece. Don't focus at all on how long the line is. By all means, the meter is good, but it doesn't always match what the tone of the piece is. There are no moments of lingering, just "this and that and this and that and this and that." It gives the piece an artificial taste that it doesn't need.
#6
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
That's not what I'm talking about.


I think I was being too specific in that example. What I meant was that in general I feel like you're constraining your ideas by forcing them into a rigid rhyme and meter. I thinkNinjamonkey and I are in agreement that you should let it flow and don't feel restricted by the need to have exactly nine syllables per line with an ABAB rhyme scheme.

It's also entirely possible that Ninjamonkey is not saying that at all, and I don't mean to project my ideas onto what he's saying.
#7
Quote by GSD
I thinkNinjamonkey and I are in agreement that you should let it flow and don't feel restricted by the need to have exactly nine syllables per line with an ABAB rhyme scheme.


Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. It's a piece that doesn't want to look like a box.
#8
Only occassionally Radical Bob? Low blow... haha
Thanks for the feedback though. I'll try to stop thinking in 4/4.