#1
old porch cold from rainy days
where slippers stride and slip inside,
he never reads the paper
just cuts out ransom letters;
If you ever want to see your world again...

the rest goes in the fireplace
and with gaze intent on finding change
he watches what the news becomes (darker by the second
as every second moves towards none).
to him the world was black and white
back when it was black at night,
now just nostalgic dreams of forest greens
(nowadays the forest bleeds).
he smiles, all the while thinking of his cigarette,
he calls it Life and lets it burn
then adds the ashes to the flames.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 7, 2008,
#3
The first two lines don't hit until the third line. They kinda need it to survive, at least upon the first read. Just a minor bump. I did enjoy the internal rhyme and verbal hubbub in line two.

I also enjoyed the "darker by the second" bit. It was an image that didn't need an illustration, but you gave it one for extra pop.

"Black at night" made me think of being young, and how abstract the night-time was. Now that I'm older, I have a night-job, so it's completely unalien for me to be up at 3am. It's kinda a symbol to me of leaving the innocense of youth behind, where everything was black and white. I'm not sure if that's what you meant by it, but that's what it meant to me.

Calling the cigarette "Life" was interesting, but a tad bit cliche. Something about attributing names like that just seems that way to me.

Also, your word selection gives off a sense of warmth and, oddly enough, safety. Words like "fireplace", "warm", "darker", the cigarette image. They all lend this feeling that he's comfortable with the state of the world.

All in all, it's a simple pice with great execution. I keep digging in, and the execution in every spot keeps getting more and more interesting.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 3, 2008,
#5
- "it's warm to watch the phrases run" - Personally, I didn't like the word "phrases", if I was to be picky that is.

- "to see what the news becomes (darker by the second)." - The bracket section would suit better on the next line, I reckon anyway. I'm not entirely sure I even like it, really. Maybe I will once I return. I think I will. I've missed your stuff greatly and this one is really cool. I've really enjoyed figuring out what its about.

- "the world used to be all black and white
back when it was black at night," - When I read this line, I thought, he could be referring to how pollution has 'brightened' the natural dark sky. But then I thought, that doesn't make any sense, but maybe he's deliberately using contrast and humour to add the theme of ruination towards the atmostphere and the world in general. That would also tie in with your first four lines; both with the newspaper - throwing it aside due to the increase of death and poverty (bad news) - and the rain falling down even harder than it used to do. Being here in Ireland, I can really relate to that.

- he calls it Life and lets it burn
then adds the ashes to the flames." - Being picky once again, I thought the last line seemed out of place (bare with me) I personally thought that it ended with "he calls it Life...", but then another line is added that just feels tacked on because you wanted to add another idea. The two 'themes' should of interlinked more, if you understand?
On the other end of the spectrum, it felt like you just repeated the same idea twice, just using different words.
What I am really saying is, the last line isn't clear as to its relevance and I might of preferred the piece more without it entirely. Just me, though.

Great stuff.

Digitally Clean
#6
Thanks for your time and your thoughts guys, I'll get back to yours soon.


(Dan/Zach - moved the brackets to next line)
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
The flow gets weird in

(darker by the second).

and

now a pleasant memory. he smiles,
all the while thinking of his cigarette,
he calls it Life and lets it burn
then adds the ashes to the flames.

However, I thought the content was just lovely and with just a little bit of editing on the meter in the last bit this could be wonderful and warm and fuzzy and dark.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Personally, I didn't have a problem with the parentheses being on the same line. I like how they're still in parentheses though, as it should be blurred with the previous thought, and not create a whole new thought that a seperate line would.
#9
old porch cold from rainy days
where slippers stride and slip inside,
there enough gaps and ambiguity in the opening lines
to allow this to have a unique meaning to any who read.
but the last 5 words set up a trend and i think you abandoned it too quickly.
i'd love to see you weave one more -ip -ide into the beginning of the line that follows.
even if you spend two new lines accomplishing this, it will be worth the effort

he never reads the morning paper
this stands out as being direct and purposeful. too much so.
it would be worth looking to see if there's a way to intertwine this thought
with the one in the next line rather than having it stand as a separate statement

just throws it in the fireplace;
it's warm to watch the phrases run
to see what the news becomes
(darker by the second).
the world used to be all black and white
back when it was black at night,
i like the images, metaphor, rhyme and flow of this section.
not crazy about the repeat of black, but i don't see a fix.

now a pleasant memory. he smiles,
all the while thinking of his cigarette,
he calls it Life and lets it burn
then adds the ashes to the flames.
this is anticlimactic.
the previous had a richness this lacks.
the metaphor and image are fine
but sonically, it's plain.



some of this might have sounded harsh. at least i hope it did.
this is a solid piece, but i think you are on the verge of becoming a great writer.
you should stretch yourself just a bit more. set the bar a little higher for yourself.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
Thanks all, major revisions made.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
I don't like the revisions made. The "flip clip" doesn't achieve anything as far as a connection with the previous line. I didn't like the new line "a warming gray display of waste", as it just felt like a forced rhyme. The piece had such a comfortable flow about it before, and the rhyme seems to speed it up past that comfort zone. I also don't like the expanded parenthesis (at least it's execution). Saying "second" twice in a row felt very awkward. The rhyme "greed / bleed", I say the same as I did the previous rhyme. I just think you didn't need it.

That's all just my personal opinion, though. I much rather prefer the original.
#12
This one expresses my thoughts much more clearly. I know a lot of you will dislike the almost complete change, but I'm going to keep it like this and work from here.

This is my second base, I'll work towards home.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 4, 2008,
#13
it's probably a bit pointless to say now but I much preffered your first one. It had a neat compactness of scene that was appealing ,now it's been distended and has extra stuff (i feel) kind of forced in there. The simpleness of the the few actions in the 1st version was nice, it gave the whole thing a contemplative feel. Everything was lent weight by being more sparse and I think that really gave it power.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#14
I think this is beautiful. I also think that the other version was beautiful in a different way. Could you post it again and let me have a look?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
here's the old one


old porch cold from rainy days
where slippers stride and slip inside,
he never reads the morning paper
just throws it in the fireplace;
it's warm to watch the phrases run
to see what the news becomes
(darker by the second).
the world used to be all black and white
back when it was black at night,
now a pleasant memory. he smiles,
all the while thinking of his cigarette,
he calls it Life and lets it burn
then adds the ashes to the flames.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#16
Jake i loved this, buddy.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
the "flip, clip" seems uneeded.

"nowdays the forests bleed" doesn't need parenthesis OR add them to "back when it was black at night"

It was solid from beginning to end. I liked how he added the cigarrette ashes to the flames. It's kinda like the ashes of his demise (cigarettes are not too good for ye) to the apparent demise of the world (as told in the papers). I thought it was a proper finish.

I did kind of prefer the first version though. The additions to the second one seem undeeded; though maybe I'd keep
now just nostalgic dreams of forest greens
(nowadays the forests bleed).


But yeah, I dig it.

...

please c4c "thank god for the snooze button" when you get the chance.
thanks.
#18
old porch cold from rainy days,
where slippers stride and slip inside.
flip, clip, he never reads the paper
flip, clip is not the direction i thought you'd take this in.
it breaks the pattern set forth in the previous line.
-ip (an extra syllable, then) -ide
-ip, -ip distracts from the pattern rather than reinforcing it.

just cuts out ransom letters,
If you ever want to see your world again...
this thought really comes out of left field.
i don't completely dislike it, but it is unsettling.


the rest goes in the fireplace
a warming gray display of waste
he watches hard to see the change,
to see what the news becomes (darker by the second
as every second moves towards none).
this is the additional repeated word we talked about.
i think i would have like to see the repeat happen a little earlier.
or if here, the 2nd instance of second mean "not first" instead of the measure of time.
but it isn't bad the way it is.

the world used to be all black and white
back when it was black at night;
now just nostalgic dreams of forest greens
(nowadays the forests bleed).
he smiles, all the while thinking of his cigarette,
he calls it Life and lets it burn
and adds the ashes to the flames.
i liked this section better in the first version.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#20
Thanks, everyone. Working through a few revisions; made some already, have some more to make later. Will return the crits when I get home.

SYK - I was looking for a wordplay opportunity with the seconds, but with everything surrounding it I would be hard pressed to make it sound un-forced. Thanks for the follow-up crit.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 6, 2008,
#21
Quote by Billyjson

old porch cold from rainy days
where slippers stride and slip inside,
he never reads the paper
just cuts out ransom letters;
If you ever want to see your world again... I was instantly captured by this. The first view lines creat the mystery, then the rest creates the tension. Great opening

the rest goes in the fireplace, This line is too weak. Starting with "the rest" doesn't work. try rearranging the words or something.
a warming gray display of waste.Don't really like this line either
with a gaze intent on finding change
he watches what the news becomes (darker by the second
as every second moves towards none). Much better. The lines in the the parenthesis are great
to him the world was black and white
back when it was black at night, Good rhyme and flow with these two lines
now just nostalgic dreams of forest greens
(nowadays the forest bleeds). The forest bleeds? So that's where he's hidden the bodies i take it?
he smiles, all the while thinking of his cigarette,
he calls it Life and lets it burn
then adds the ashes to the flames.


A sinister piece. I could be reading this entirely wrong, but here's what i got. He's a serial killer, he's killed before and hid the bodies in the forest, and he's holding someone hostage (a child or wife) and is making a ransom note from the paper. Well, thats what i got anyway. This is almost perfect. A drak, mysterious yet beautiful read. Well done. Drop me a crit for "Nighttime" if you want. Cheers!
#22
Not my intent, but that's the wonderful thing about poetry - take from it what you will. Thank you for the critique, will get to yours soon.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.