#1
3% Wow, thats a lot!

Burning fields of oil
spits black grease,
fleecing the ground
innocent camels roam-
earning their second hump.
They walk blindly down the streets:
New York, London and Berlin.
Spitting the black veil
of an empty future
out onto the city plains,
a rhyme of a dime store budget
where they are proud
to admit its time to yoke
their wealth with the local
family food chain,
a chameleon of the
business industry:

“Hey, young ones,
drink your bumps dry for
now is the time to marry off!
Divorce rates are down by 3%;
that means you've got 3% more chance
of fucking forever...

... As long as the fuel doesn't run away with those pesky old Llamas.”

Digitally Clean
#2
WARNING: PLOT SPOILER

Thought I'd add this if anyone needed it:
This is really just a piece of fun.
I wrote it after reading a newspaper article about an increase of marriage settlements. A decrease in divorce by 3% it read, that meant it was time to start marrying, seeing as you had a 3% more chance of staying together. I just think the idea of that to be hilarious, and also insulting towards marriage and love itself.
I also compared it to the oil crises, how people concern themselves with matters beyond their power, that are commonly exaggerated by the media. But mainly because it doesn't make any sense that divorce rates would go down. Family problems are mainly caused by economical situations, so therefore the rising cost of fuel should, in theory, ignite more arguments amongst couples. It doesn't make any sense to me.
That said, it did mention how older people are more likely to separate than younger ones... I guess they're getting tired of sex?
#3
Burning fields of oil
spits black grease,


Something about oil spitting grease doesn't fly right with me. And it shouldn't be plural.

Overall, the first stanza had an air about it that was quite interesting, but the content left me unimpressed. It felt as if there was a hopelessly bleak viewpoint, and that you, as the singer/author, had this conviction about you to point all this out. But content-wise, the "second-hump" was the only thing that impressed me. I'm on the fence about attributing the characters to those major cities as well, I'm not sure what it does as of yet, but it seems unneccesary.

Second stanza was okay as far as a general theme, but nothing really hit hard. "****ing forever" seemed like a poor way to round off the thought.

Like I said, it had conviction, but you were shooting blanks.
#4
innocent camels roam-
earning their second hump.

^I like that line a lot, it kind of makes me think about getting the basics and earning the privilages, or "working your way to the top".
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
innocent camels roam-
earning their second hump.


I really liked that bit. The rest of it was good enough, but if I hadn't read the spoiler, than the song would have made no sense to anybody but yourself.
Daron. The Pit loves you.
daron aka kosmic is now a pit legend
Best post on the pit. Good for you.
thats pretty epic.
So you're like a slower paced Forrest Gump...
Yup...
#6
mid-first stanza and the end are where this shone. The second half of S1 was a bit choppy and I wasn't a big fan of the opening imagery. Too quirky, too out there to be a pleasant entrance into the piece. Also didn't enjoy the word spitting at all, much too much telling instead of showing going on with that.

A great deal of the time it feels as if there's just a little something missing from your pieces that prevents it from resonating with me. I wish I could point it out more clearly - it may be the strict line structure that feels like it needs to let loose. You're 'schizophrenia' piece is a perfect example of something that left quite an impression. This was alright, not excellent. I suppose I just miss that wonderful tone you had going before.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
camels earning their second hump - something about that line just made me smile and tingle all over. it feels like it has some really deep meaning I'm gonna be pondering for some time.

I just watched "There Will Be Blood" again and yeah, the oil thing business has always been pretty vicious.

The spoiler made everything make a lot more sense. And yeah, everything in the news is a f*cking joke. That's why I watch fake news. Stewart and Colbert all the way!

(peep "the snooze button" when you can, homie-g-dawg-bromandude : )
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish
3% Wow, thats a lot!

Burning fields of oil
spits black grease,
fleecing the ground
innocent camels roam-
earning their second hump.
They walk blindly down the streets:
New York, London and Berlin.
Spitting the black veil
of an empty future
out onto the city plains,
a rhyme of a dime store budget
where they are proud
to admit its time to yoke
their wealth with the local
family food chain,
a chameleon of the
business industry:
I hate to say it but this stanza as a metaphor doesnt correspond much with what you siad the poem was about. Its a little too vague and opaque and at first I mistook it for (another) war poem. Iraq oilfields and camels or something? The first two lines in particular were a little cringeworthy, and also needlessly short, because the legnth doesnt add to th impact, it removes it by removing the flow of the line, because its broken up into two. Some of your imagery was fantastic "A chameleon of the buisness imagery" and the internal rhyme in "A rhyme of a dima store budget" was fantastic. but overall its rendered a little meaningless by its obscurity. You need to make clear when this stanza is about, because to open the way you do is pretty misleading.

“Hey, young ones,
drink your bumps dry for
now is the time to marry off!
Divorce rates are down by 3%;
that means you've got 3% more chance
of fucking forever...

... As long as the fuel doesn't run away with those pesky old Llamas.”
I liked this last stanza, and at least feel some of the confusion of the first is aleviated by the explicit statment of topic, but its not a satisfying enough resolution given the earlier stanza. I think also perhaps "bumps" could be "humps", so you've got a semantic field of sex developing (which you ought to have developed more in your first stanza, as a symbol for pointless relationships and the whole 3% thing). I also think you could have worded your topic revelation a bit better, the "that means you have..." is all a bit posaic and fumbling and it doesnt have the irony that it ought to have. I would have worked it some pop culture references, or said something like "Kiss me darling, statistics are on our side", which would also personalise it more, shift the narrator from abstract to subject, the events no longer symbolic but real and meaningful.
I think overall it has a great idea, but its execution is a little flawed, especially in your first stanza.

Dave
#9
Thank you folks.

Cacophonaut - This was meant to all over the place, so to speak. It never felt finished to me, but I couldn't quite discover its solution or conclusion, so I just left it as a random, fun piece. It was a joy to write, even though I never finished it. I totally understand what you are saying, and altogether agree.
One thing you may not of noticed though is that I was actually trying to rip off people writing war songs and poems with the introduction. The problem there though is that I only touched on it, instead of going in it full swing, which detracts from the idea itself.
Too much going on in other words.

Thank you.
#10
haha, it was quite funny ^^

only two complaints: first thing, I agree with the fact that "spits" sound awkward. Secondly, 8th line repeats the verb "to spit" I think you should change it to something similar. Nothing else to say. I'm working on something that may take a while to get finished, don't know when I will post anything else. Just take this as a comment with no expected retribution.

Take care mate.
#11
This was fun and nothing more.

But that was more than enough for me. One of my personal favorites from you. Your tone lends itself to an air of bouncy and inconsequential ramblings that leave me thinking for hours on end. This was perfect on that front. It was mildly philosophical, full of sarcasm, and cynical to boot. I loved it.

I'm sure people will tear it down, but I don't feel like it deserves that. Tearing it down could cause a loss in mood, which would cause the whole thing to come tumbling down.

Jake's second stanza says a lot of what I want too. Sometimes your pieces just don't resonate because of the closed feeling structure. Let it breathe, my friend.

This was still quite nice.
#12
Quote by AngryGoldfish
3% Wow, thats a lot!

Burning fields of oil
spits black grease,
plural problems from the word go
I think making it just the one field would make it more effective
maybe grease/oil don't have good enough links, making it clearer would make it better

fleecing the ground
innocent camels roam-
earning their second hump.
They walk blindly down the streets:
New York, London and Berlin.
Spitting the black veil
of an empty future
out onto the city plains,
The link between the camels and this isn't entirely strong enough to make this statement worth much. It's there, but it could be said so much more elegantly. The word play could dance on you rather than just be there. Assonance would bring this to life.
a rhyme of a dime store budget
where they are proud
to admit its time to yoke
their wealth with the local
family food chain,
a chameleon of the
business industry:
the rhyming only every now and then is a bit annoying. It makes the flow strange. There could be so much more build up here, but it feels a bit lost

“Hey, young ones,
drink your bumps dry for
now is the time to marry off!
Divorce rates are down by 3%;
that means you've got 3% more chance
of fucking forever...
this is good, flows properly, fits with the rest and tilts on your tounge

... As long as the fuel doesn't run away with those pesky old Llamas.”
this run on sentence is a bit much, the rhyme is so far down the end that it loses effect and the image could be much more cleverly intertwined with the rest of the piece to make it more effective and to make the reader see a cheeky stab at the subject matter, making it leave a much greater impression.

Digitally Clean


I think that if you made this feel a bit lighter and more jokey the bitter feeling would become more prominent. More twists and turns would lead to a more interesting place. I hope you understand what I'm meaning. However, this is a really great idea and you've got the execution three-quarters perfect.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 12, 2008,