#1
c4c.


Her eyes are filled with autumn.
Behind sepia glaze hang empty branches
amidst a barren field.
Dense fog shrouds an empty tree while
soliloquizing about comforting falling branches
in their final, fleeting moments.

Her lips are filled with autumn.
The last lies from the mockingbirds
spiral from them; heading south toward
warmer beaches and happier times.
Deserting the lips to chap in the
bitter climate to come.

Her heart is filled with autumn.
Crimson warmth of summers past
transforms into neutrality,
into grey.
The bitter taste of lukewarm decisions
trapped inside her breast.

She's alone, void, dormant.
Today she'll die to prepare for
the harsh weather to come, taking
solace in life's seasons and the ideal
that just one solstice from now,
she'll bloom.
#2
Very beautiful images, but I wish that they connected to the character a little bit better. It seemed like you mentioned a facet of her, then went off and make comparisons to it, but that you never actually followed her, or actually developed her.

Take the first stanza, for example. You describe the decaying weather and attribute it to her eyes, and that's great, but you don't go into why they are decaying, or how she'll respond to it. Instead, you drop the scene and go to describe her lips, and kinda lose the progress that you had made before. That gave this a much more boxy feeling, that everything was split up into categories, rather than a train of thought.

(PS: Don't forget to tear mine up.)
#3
- "Her heart is filled with autumn.
Crimson warmth of summers past
transforms into neutrality,
into grey.
The bitter taste of lukewarm decisions
trapped inside her breast.

She's alone, void, dormant.
Today she'll die to prepare for
the harsh weather to come, taking
solace in life's seasons and the ideal
that just one solstice from now,
she'll bloom." -

Wow.

The first two verses did nothing for me at all. First of all, the words you used were too big. I'm not an ignorant fool , I do know what they mean, but I feel like they didn't suit the piece at all. I wanted neat little words for an opener, followed then by one or two more complicated analogies and metaphors. Its just not a nice way to open something.
Also, your opening line feels like it should continue on, but the following line then avoids the subject, in a sense, and breaks the flow. Which is annoying seeing as I've only just bloody started off.
The entire first verse read poorly. It doesn't compliment the theme at all, if you ask me.

- "heading south toward
warmer beaches and happier times.
Deserting the lips to chap in the
bitter climate to come." - This is growing on me. Its very cute; a lovely change from you.
I'm really enjoying reading your work. You've been very surprising recently.

I know I may not of made a whole lot of sense, but I did try to explain myself, so I do hope you take it the way I had planned.

This was really nice. Much more cuter than your normal style; something your poems yearned for when I read them through.

Digitally Clean
#4
I'm not spamming... just need to say... Ninja had a really valid point. He really read it well and noticed something entirely useful.
#5
I'll get to this soon.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Do what the ninja said. The imagery was absolutely fantastic. As, may I say, was the Englishness.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Main thing with this: I wish all of it carried the same simplicity as the first lines of S1-3. Very beautiful lines, then transitioning right away into the heavier imagery, hurts. Last stanza was wonderful.

I'm not sure I enjoyed this the best out of all your pieces, but it is up there.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
The first stanza had the trying-too-hard thickness, as far as your imagery goes, surrounding it like smog.

The others come so naturally. The rest of it is a very nice read.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
I'm not sure if this was just a typing error, but in the second line there is a tense error
"Her eyes are filled with autumn.
Behind sepia glaze hangs empty branches"

Also, I think the second stanza had great imagery. Using chapped lips to describe the cold/dead atmosphere was perfect and understandable. Not too complicated but simple enough for anyone to be able to relate.

Lastly, the first stanza was a little heavy. It seemed like you tried to force some words like "soliloquizing" into the piece and it interupted the flow, at least for me. But overall I loved it. The integration of all the seasons at some point worked very well.

Crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=972006
#11
i'm actually kind of flabbergasted at the sudden change here from your more recent pieces.
this is great, Zach.
you've got a special touch with the imagery my friend, be proud of this one.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
c4c.


Her eyes are filled with autumn.
Behind sepia glaze hang empty branches
amidst a barren field.
Dense fog shrouds an empty tree while
soliloquizing about comforting falling branches
in their final, fleeting moments.
(soliloquizing is way too much of a tongue twister to me. Plus all the "ings" are killin me. I say do something like this...
Dense fog shrouds an empty tree;
its soliloquies comfort falling branches
in their final, fleeting moments.)


Her lips are filled with autumn.
The last lies from the mockingbirds
(can mockingbirds lie? mockingbirds especially are known for their innocence and charming song. this makes your message inconsistent of the past being good and now it's all rotting. was all that was good just a lie? or was it real but just faded away? if so, maybe the last "songs" of the mockingbirds would be more appropriate)
spiral from them; heading south toward
warmer beaches and happier times.
Deserting the lips to chap in the
bitter climate to come.
(I don't like you using lips twice in this stanza. say it another way. keep kips down here and say "her mouth is filled with autumn" or something like that)

Her heart is filled with autumn.
Crimson warmth of summers past
(Summers past gives makes one think back too far. I think summer past would work better. The seasons natural cycle gives off the whole concept of a new start each time around. The summer of one autumn has no real effect with the next autumn. I do know what you're saying here though...summer was all the good times in the past and autumn is the nothingness thay is now. By saying summers you're implying that the cycle of wonder-nothingness happened many times. So the seasons changed many times. In that case where are spring and winter? By saying summer you're still saying that all use to be warm and that the leaves were ripe and green. Also, after autumn is winter and then spring...which is rebirth. A new beginning. Hope for the future. So much for just one "s", eh?"
transforms into neutrality,
into grey.
(this breaks from the flow. i say combine this with the line before it "into grey neutrality)
The bitter taste of lukewarm decisions
trapped inside her breast.

She's alone, void, dormant.
Today she'll die to prepare for
the harsh weather to come, taking
solace in life's seasons and the ideal
that just one solstice from now,
she'll bloom.

This is refreshing from the "let me compare you to a summers day" kinda stuff. The things I've read that compare women and seasons have usually been on the positive end. Your parallels of the decays of autumn are excellent. As I'm writing this very sentence I came to the realization that this might not even be about a dying love...but a withering soul. A grandmother perhaps, in her last says reflecting on the joys of youth. And in on solstice she will pass on and bloom in the next world. So much can be interpreted from this...so read my comments previous comments with the idea that I had a withering relationship in mind as the theme of the piece. The suggestions should still be relevant to either.

I really dug this. Not much else to say about it right now. Maybe I'll give it another look and see if anything new comes up. I'm staring to grow quite fond of your work.

...

c4c "the snooze button" when times permits. rip me a new one.
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


Her eyes are filled with autumn.
Behind sepia glaze hang empty branches
amidst a barren field.
Dense fog shrouds an empty tree while
soliloquizing about comforting falling branches
in their final, fleeting moments.
Your imagery is pretty powerful, but you overuse adjectives somewhat. "Dense fog...Empty tree...barren field, etc", plus the repetition of "empty" lessens the impact of the word, especially since the subject is the same. I feel like the first line ought to be enjambed with the second, because it loses all its power ending as it does, especially as the first and third lines are iambic (the first having a feminine ending). Try reading the first line, the the third. The weight it has is intense. If you could change the rhythm of the third line, and apply that rhythm to the second, it would lend your opening a lot of emphasis.

Her lips are filled with autumn.
The last lies from the mockingbirds
spiral from them; heading south toward
warmer beaches and happier times.
Deserting the lips to chap in the
bitter climate to come.
Again you have some problems with rhythm. The third line breaks the weight of the first two (which are great) with its switch from iambic to trochaic. The weight should be on every second syllable, not every first. I would suggest "A spiral, heading south..." as a replacment, but its up to you. While the third lines deviation from meter hinders it, the same thing in the fourth line seems to add weight to the sudden change in imagery. The last sentence doesnt seem to make much sense, unless you intended the punctuation at the end of the fourth line to be a comma. What is "deserting the lips"? I would rethink these lines, and (yes I am a broken record) their metre, which should probably revert to iambic to correspond with the first three.

Her heart is filled with autumn.
Crimson warmth of summers past
transforms into neutrality,
into grey.
The bitter taste of lukewarm decisions
trapped inside her breast.
This works very well as a bridge stanza, I would substitute "trasforms into neutrality" with "transorming to neutrality", just because the sylabble sound between "transforms" and "into" are in conflict, and it gives it a more present tense edge. I would also substitute the third line with "lukewarm decisions bitter taste", just because it flows better and doesnt jumble its metre.

She's alone, void, dormant.
Today she'll die to prepare for
the harsh weather to come, taking
solace in life's seasons and the ideal
that just one solstice from now,
she'll bloom.
Actually a perfect ending, brilliant enjambment, as a closer it works much better without metre, the final line is excellent. Overall I agree with what someone else said about identification with the character. you seem to have gotten a little lost in your own dense fog of imgery, and the descriptions, while vivid and evocative, are left with not terribly much to evoke. We feel because of this that the poem lacks overall meaning. What does the "dying" and "blooming" represent? you have to tell us this kind of thing as an author. Other than that it is very well written, very vivid. Nice peice.




Dave.
#14
I loved it and cannot for the life of me understand the first few comments. It looks like over-critiquing to me. *shurg*

You should write like this more often, it feels like there's so much more behind the word and as if you actually connected to this one on more than one or two levels.

It was a full figured piece with a line of thought that sparked magic.
This is not a pipe
#15
Thanks everyone.

Just wanted to put it out there that this was written as free-verse. I didn't mean for there to be any sort of metre. Still, greatly appreciate the time and thoughts, Dave. And I didn't want to spell this out. Part of the point of writing in this style, to me at least, is to leave it open to interpretation... to paint a scene that different people can latch onto and draw a meaning from. For instance, Gunsandrussinans (name?) got a completely different view about this than what I had in mind. I wrote this with the thought of a girl who was going through a bit of a rough period in her life.

I'll get back to everyone soon. Try to get to a few tonight.
#17
some nice stuff Zach.
but i wouldn't be afraid to franky this one.


Her eyes are filled with autumn.
Stop right there.
as soon as i began the read, i had a couple of thoughts
it's a simple statement. perhaps too simple.
and it's static. even if you just changed are filled to fill, it creates action.
but i think there might be more and better ideas ahead.
looking ahead, i see each verse starts with the same concept.
it's as if you're making a statement, then detailing it out in the verse.
we know this works, of course. it has been done before
but it's somewhat predictable, innit?
how about turning it inside out?
transplant the opening lines to the END of each verse.
punctuate them with these statements instead of telegraphing them, yes?

Behind sepia glaze hang empty branches
I fucking HATE this line.
the metric pattern is uncomfortable,
the sonics are nothing special
even the look on the page.
all those mid-lenght words. little variety.
at the very least, you need a comma or a line-break after glaze
to reinforce it as a noun instead of a verb
maybe this is unique to the way i read. idk.
personally, i wouldn't dismiss the thought of re-blocking the entire piece.

amidst a barren field.
Dense fog shrouds an empty tree while
soliloquizing about comforting falling branches
in their final, fleeting moments.

Her lips are filled with autumn.
The last lies from the mockingbirds
spiral from them; heading south toward
warmer beaches and happier times.
Deserting the lips to chap in the
bitter climate to come.
grammar is troublesome here.
the way them has to point all the way back to her lips
and to chap almost points to the lies
even though we can figure out it's the lips that will chap.
i think the verb Deserting does that.


Her heart is filled with autumn.
Crimson warmth of summers past
transforms into neutrality,
I'd do a full stop at the end of this line
and let the reiteration on the next stand on it's own.

into grey.
The bitter taste of lukewarm decisions
trapped inside her breast.

She's alone, void, dormant.
void doesn't feel right.
Today she'll die to prepare for
i'd rather see a pause after die,
with to prepare changed to preparing

the harsh weather to come, taking
solace in life's seasons and the ideal
i don't like the way you're using ideal
almost like idea

that just one solstice from now,
she'll bloom.


i like the mood, the ideas, much of the word choices.
but the flow of this leaves much to be desired.
each verse is constructed almost as a continuous stream,
but the connections within are tenuous
and require a bit of thought to process.
even if you stay with the original placements of the theme lines,
you should spend some time tweaking the way each verse streams.

/nitpicking
Meadows
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#18
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


Her eyes are filled with autumn.
Behind sepia glaze hang empty branches
amidst a barren field.
Dense fog shrouds an empty tree while
soliloquizing about comforting falling branches
in their final, fleeting moments.
Very good imagery. Sets the stage up well for the verses to come.

Her lips are filled with autumn.
The last lies from the mockingbirds
spiral from them; heading south toward
warmer beaches and happier times.
Deserting the lips to chap in the
bitter climate to come.
Well after these two verses I haven't found much of an emotional connection yet but the imagery is still very strong. I especially like the bit on chapped lips - clever.

Her heart is filled with autumn.
Crimson warmth of summers past
transforms into neutrality,
into grey.
The bitter taste of lukewarm decisions
trapped inside her breast.
Here's the connection . I'm glad you haven't actually mentioned the word 'winter' as you imply it strongly. I feel like you could use a different word than 'bitter' for a better effect; the theme of neutrality seems overpowered by it.

She's alone, void, dormant.
Today she'll die to prepare for
the harsh weather to come, taking
solace in life's seasons and the ideal
that just one solstice from now,
she'll bloom.
I think with the indirect implications throughout the song, you can leave out the word 'alone' and have the same meaning while still keeping the effect of the earlier verses. Nice ending; simple and hopeful.

Well done. Great job =]
I wish I could give you something more constructive. I'm interested as to what these verses would sound like to music.
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