#1
People get ready; thunder’s upon the palm trees.
I shall wait to find the frith of autumn’s downpour,
among the flute
of lightheadedness.
The priest is counting the bald heads
in the tent of meeting.
The ram-skinned children,
with their belted faces
and rigid voices, they speak:
“And who are ‘e officers, ay-
who shall vanish 'e colourless
‘rown?”

I stare back and forth on the boulevard;
I wander restlessly before commencing
to speech: “Holy calf; may I sip
the gin and beer of the rivers?”
Last edited by Bleed Away at Oct 4, 2008,
#2
People get ready; thunder’s upon the palm trees.
P sound is great. It carries you right through the first line.
I shall wait to find the frith of autumn’s downpour,
was that intended to be firth? otherwise I don't know that word, haha. Sonically, though, the repeating fff is an enjoyable continuation
among the flute
of lightheadedness.
The priest is counting the bald head
in the tent of meeting.
The ram-skinned children,
with their belted faces
and rigid voices, they speak:
“And who are ‘e officers, ay-
who shall vanish 'e colourless
‘rown?”

'e ay- 'rown? (crown?) i'm afraid I just don't get this bit lol. I'm not even sure how to read it out loud.

I stare back and forth on the boulevard;
I wander restlessly before commencing
to speech: “Holy calf; may I sip
did you write 'to speech' on purpose?
the gin and beer of the rivers?”

I feel bad when someone gives a good crit and I return a shit one but i'm not really sure what to say. The first couple of lines are the best as far as I'm concerned. 'boulervard' seems to stick out oddly. I liked 'belted faces'.

I think what I really want from this is more of a hit at the end. The deferential, polite question doesn't do it for me.

least you got a bump though, eh? lol
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#3
Haha, Yes it's suppose to say frith. The sonically disjointed speech has a strong reference to the world war I poets at the time; the times then was much more philosophical, even with uneducated soldiers. The polite question is actually a backlash, a backlash of yearning questions but all of them still remain unaswered. Which leaves false gods as the only true theological answer. The character is showing humilty to his newly found god.
#4
Oh, i got caught up with the fact that Hindus think that cows are holy. lol
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#5
People get ready; thunder’s upon the palm trees.
I think the contrast of a storm on the beach works perfectly here. I'm assuming this is about war? I think the beaches of Normandy, thunder symbolizing gunfire. Am I far off?
I shall wait to find the frith of autumn’s downpour,
among the flute
of lightheadedness.
I dont understand this line. Can you explain "flute of lightheadedness"?
The priest is counting the bald heads
in the tent of meeting.
The ram-skinned children,
with their belted faces
and rigid voices, they speak:
“And who are ‘e officers, ay-
who shall vanish 'e colourless
‘rown?”

I stare back and forth on the boulevard;
I wander restlessly before commencing
to speech: “Holy calf; may I sip
the gin and beer of the rivers?”

I'm actually picturing a "Band of Brothers" atmosphere now that I've heard your reference to WWI poets. Are "Bald heads" and "ram-skinned children" referencing soldiers being herded like sheep? I think the image is depicted well until the part in quotes. While I'm sure your ideas are solid, I dont understand what is being said by the potential-soldiers because of the thick accent used.

Lastly, is the last stanza supposed to be occuring after the events alluded to in the first stanza? If so, I think there should be more content between them. To me it seems like the meat of the story is left out, and the reader only gets the beginning and end without the climax.

Great ideas with a lot of feeling and emotion. I'd say try to make your thoughts a little clearer for those of us who havent studied WWI poetry

EDIT: I think I might have misinterpretted the entire thing! I just reread your response to meh, and I hadnt seen the last part about false gods. However, my interpretation of war really makes sense to me. So the obscurity allows for open interpretation, and thus more people can relate. So...thats a good thing?
Last edited by cartoonydude707 at Oct 5, 2008,
#6
Meh, this is one of those pieces with too many obscure-ish internal references and too many ideas going on at once for me to get into it beyond a read and a nod of "yep, I read it." Sometimes your language and thought process are just too fast and above me Fred. It feels disjointed within itself because of so many things going on outside of the main frame story.

If you get time, jsut a comment on solstice would be appreciated.