#1
hey you!
no,
not you,
YOU!
are you the one who stole my converse in the 4th grade?
i've been looking for you.
i searched the slide on the playground,
all the basketball courts and baseball diamonds,
the skate park and the ice rink,
all up and down the east coast and even stretches of the west,
to think i'd find you here 12 years later,
right in the middle of the dodgeball circle
where i embarrased you so badly in front of the new girl
every single one of us boys wanted to impress,
when i hit you square in the face with that red rubber ball,
you cried so hard i pissed my pants.
#2
You know, it will hit me like a dodgeball when I figure out exactly what this is about. I can feel it coming. There's something I'm missing in this right now. And I bet everything will fall into place when I figure it out; all my "why"s will be answered.

This intrigues me.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Haha, brilliant. Grabbed me from the first shout to the last sentence. No major complaints, except that it could be longer. Sorry I can't add more. Pretty piss weak crit I know
#4
thanks both of you, i thought of extending it when i first wrote it but i think itll stay the same for sure.
#5
Hm. Don't know if you want serious crit on that? I read it as a joke and a joke it will stay in my eyes. It's funny. No more no less. Sorry.
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#6
i don't think it needs to be changed.
it says exactly what needs to be said, as is.

to find the(any) humour in irony and ignorance, is to walk with a grin that many will never know how to flex.
good job man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
If you could PM me with a brief synopsis of what I could be missing, that would be lovely.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
Haha this is great. Humorous and ironic. People can really relate to this.

It's short, but at the same time, just long enough. It's to the point and says everything it should. This being any longer would make it dragged out and it would lose its charm.

Only thing I might change about this is saying "I nearly/almost pissed my pants". Can't exactly say why, but I think it'd be a little better that way.

Revenge is sweet, eh?

I dig it.

(Hey, and if you can check out "the saga" I'd appreciate it. Thanks.)
#10
Quote by culex-knight
If you could PM me with a brief synopsis of what I could be missing, that would be lovely.



if you don't mind copying this request to a pm to me, I'd really appreciate it, if you get around to it, of course. This piece is really enjoyable but I don't feel like I get it all the way.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me