#1
Martyred for the New World.

Bring back heroes, we need them to kill
like, hell, they always did in textbooks
afore we’re told it’s murder.

An Arthurian Guevara, tha's the way
Myth informs the stuff of man;
stories write our lives.

Everything’s airy now, floating on nothing.
Helium pop and droop then drop
bemoaning grace saving face
but that is all.

Bring back heroes, we’re simply ill
At ease because we ken it’s wrong
That crucifying them took so long
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Last edited by meh! at Oct 6, 2008,
#2
It doesnt seem balanced... Good lyrics though...
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#3
The concept of it, the whole "bring back the heroes" thing is genius, but the writing itself is sloppy. If you'll do crit4crit, I have a song right now called "Fight!".
***NEW NOTE***

Upon reading it a second and third time, it kinda grows on me. Maybe it's not as sloppy as I thought. Maybe I just couldn't see the order...
Last edited by herby190 at Oct 5, 2008,
#4
Like the tone. I'm not sure it's fully developed, but it made the read more interesting. Odd how it dropped after the first/second stanza. "afore" was a stretch, an apostrophe 'afore it might help though.

I enjoyed it more on further reads than I did on the first; the rhythm seemed alien. Growing fond of it now, but the seemingly out of nowhere capitalization in the last stanza bugs me. There is little else to say about it, its one of those "it is what it is" pieces. Enjoyed it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
pretty cool song, at first it seems all over the place but by the end you kind of start seeing how the order of the song goes. good job

check out my song, i need some feedback links in the sig
#6
I have a question billy.

This thing that people have about capitalistion... as far as I know that's just how it's done. Ever new line in poetry starts with a capital, i've never read a published poem otherwise but here it seems to be an issue that affects the way people read? :S In the one you just commented on i've forgotten to do it in a lot of places, but that's an accident. lol

btw afore is just a way of saying 'before' here, it's not supposed to be like ... me trying to force before to fit, it's just what I said.

and i will look at you two's stuff the now
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#7
Quote by meh!
Martyred for the New World.

Bring back heroes, we need them t' kill
Like they always did in textbooks
Afore we’re told it’s murder.

I didn't like "T'" but apart from that the indigenous language used here created a pleasant and relevant atmosphere in my head. But I thought in parts, this could have been executed a lot better. The first line break felt choppy and disorientated. I think the technical side of this stanza, and maybe the piece as a whole, could be enhanced by turning your tercets in cinquains (five lines per a stanza).

An Arthurian Guevara, that's the way.
Myth informs the stuff of man,
Stories write our lives.

That second comma should be replaced with a semi-colon. That second line was too ambiguous for my own liking, it's almost like I could have interpreted that in many negative ways. Again try turning this to a cinquain or longer and play around with your ideas.

Everything’s airy now, Floating on nothing.
Helium pop and droop then drop
With studied grace saving face
But that is all.

Ah, this was brilliant. The line breaks were down-right captivating and made things flow out of tongue. You seemed to have gained control of this piece albeit it's not a cenquin-a vivid image was grasped.

Bring back heroes, we’re simply ill
At ease because we ken it’s wrong
That crucifying them took so long

A good ending here. I loved the abrupt but very symbolic image that this conveyed. Nothing more to add here. Well done.
I think, the more I read this the more I was convinced that elaborating your first two tercets isn't entirely necessary. Maybe some revision, here and there, is all that's needed.

Overall, this was a nice read.

Oh btw if you've time please post a comment on my latest piece "Din"-which can be found here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=970776
#8
Thanks very much! I'll definitely look into the structure again. The reason it says 'tha's' isntead of 'that's' is purposeful. When I speak I don't pronounce the t in 'that's' so it comes out as 'thas' and it also seemed a handy way of getting rid of the 't' sound i didn't want. I don't think it's really important though andit's probablyu just silly indcluding things like that.

ANyway, i'll get at yours nowww.
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#9
Quote by meh!
I have a question billy.

This thing that people have about capitalistion... as far as I know that's just how it's done. Ever new line in poetry starts with a capital, i've never read a published poem otherwise but here it seems to be an issue that affects the way people read? :S In the one you just commented on i've forgotten to do it in a lot of places, but that's an accident. lol

btw afore is just a way of saying 'before' here, it's not supposed to be like ... me trying to force before to fit, it's just what I said.



Capitalization is a tool, not a requirement. In regards to the 'before' part I'm not sure what you're trying to say... I understand that is what 'afore' means, and I'm saying it would make it more clear if you added an apostrophe before it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
Well, I'm never one to shy away from being the dick. So let's do this.

I thought this was easily the worst piece I've read from you. Trying something different is highly commendable, and you will develop with time... but let me throw out a few of the things that bothered me.

1) The thing with this piece was that it was so airy. It felt leagues above where it needed to be to really match the content. The tone was nice, but fleeting in places. To use an extreme similie, it was a bit like reading a descritpion of a murder by Dr. Seuss. "The man did hop up next to pop, and stick a knife in bloated hide. While bamboozles dances in tropical trance about a man named lance." I hope that makes what I'm saying make sense. It felt like you wanted this to be much more tangible and touchable and relatable. You used asides like "hell," to note an awareness of conversational tone... but then the rest of the piece didn't follow in that conversational feeling, which made it lose contact with the reader in my eyes.

2) All of that second stanza reads like bricks coated in apoxy. The rest of the piece carries this bounce to it... there are subtle rhymes and rhythms through it all. This just didn't have that, and really stuck out. Beyond that, I felt that the content was almost to obscurely related to the rest of hte piece. It just sort of floated on its own in style. Everything else seems to carry this almost simple feel... where as this seems to be so much more complicated.

3) "But that is all." This line did nothing. I see what you were going for. But if you are going to pull off something like that, you need more impact out of the line... especially in a piece that is short and filled with everyline having some sort of crushing blow in it. This line just sits in teh back so quietly, that it doesn't even come through to the reader.

I love your last line though. You've got potential, even in this style... it just didn't shine through here to me. Keep trying new styles man, you'll never regret it. Eventually you'll find something that fits perfectly... but until then sample away my man.

-zC
#12
Even worse than the kit-kat one? Jeez

I will though, thanks, lol. All taken on board.
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#13
Well this is what I got outta this...
Martyred for the New World.

Bring back heroes, we need them to kill
like, hell, they always did in textbooks
afore we’re told it’s murder.
starts off straight to the point, I like the wording here. and the last line really pops out I think.

An Arthurian Guevara, tha's the way
Myth informs the stuff of man;
stories write our lives.

Everything’s airy now, floating on nothing.
Helium pop and droop then drop
bemoaning grace saving face
but that is all.
symbolism here is beyond me. I kind of understand where your going here, but I dont wanna seem dumb so ill leave it alone.

Bring back heroes, we’re simply ill
At ease because we ken it’s wrong
That crucifying them took so long
Nice ending. The cruicifying them part stuck out to me. maybe a comparison at how the heroes did so much and in the end, the same people who they saved and helped ended up screwing them over. because we "realized" what they were doing was wrong? or am I just waaaaaay off?
#14
Quote by meh!
Martyred for the New World.

Bring back heroes, we need them to kill
like, hell, they always did in textbooks
afore we’re told it’s murder.

I like that, I really do. You could have made it more poetic like, it sounds very literal, like someone ranting about the "heroes" that killed in the name of good in textbooks and weren't informed it was murder. Kinda like a false hero type thing.

An Arthurian Guevara, tha's the way
Myth informs the stuff of man;
stories write our lives.

I really like that because stories do write the way we live, the way we treat each other, the way we behave, because as humans we sometimes as a group dont have a natural way of guidance.

Everything’s airy now, floating on nothing.
Helium pop and droop then drop
bemoaning grace saving face
but that is all.

This is either very philosophical or you just ran out of ideas, at least that's what it comes across as, I'll probably have to come back to it since I dont really get it right now.

Bring back heroes, we’re simply ill
At ease because we ken it’s wrong
That crucifying them took so long

I like the first line, but everything else...just doesn't really fit IMO.




That's my critique.
#15
Thanks, if you have pieces you'd like me to look at leave a link.

Kinda done with this now, so no need for any more crits!
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