#1
Please comment on this. I think it's hilarious. Last one I'll post for a week. I'm slowly returning from the last. Thanks to everyone who reads what I write, I really don't deserve it.


Yoga, From Greg's Dog's Perspective

Every Sunday at eight
Greg goes to create
The funniest shapes
In a body that’s too overweight
While I’m tied by my nape
To the bars of a grate
By a leash that I hate
With a bowl of stale bait
That hopes to sedate me enough
So when he comes back I won’t be irate.

For the next two hours
I watch Greg, in a rage,
In a glass-plated cage
Move his legs
Around his head
Hoping to beg,
Or provoke, some muse
To help him be fit
Or more flexibly knit
So he can impress that girl
With black-poodle curls
Who swirls, twirls, and whirls,
Her lotus limbs clench and unfurl,
And flashes her pearls
Whenever she catches Greg
Smiling between the gap in the world
That keeps them still and enfolded
Smiling between the thin blue mats
That holds them taught against their slacks
Flat on their backs, breathing,
Still and flat on their backs.

I yell at him then,
Every Sunday at ten
And he tells me “chill, just be zen”
He thinks that I’m mad
Or irreparably sad
That he’s left me outside for so long
But really I’m pitying
I’m looking down, condescending
At those Greg’s and those girl’s
For being so timid, so quiet,
So apprehensive, so many games
So many looks and so many invisible aims.
He says “boy, did you see the flames
In her eyes tonight, boy, she learned our names
In her mouth tonight boy, there I was.”

And I say “boy, you boy,
You should be happy I’m coy
Because if I hadn’t been neutered
I’d be on top of your toy
I’d have jumped on her leg and given her joy
I’d have licked at her face and conquered her troy
(you would have just been the wooden decoy)
I’d have destroyed the worlds that’d hold me away
I’d have deployed offense and tenderness on my beautiful prey
I’d have her petting my butt I’d keep her suitors at bay,
Look boy, I guess what I’m trying to say
Is that if you did things my way
She would stay, but if you keep being human
She will be led astray
To a dog like me who won’t treat her properly,
To a dog like me who can’t ever love her like you can:
Love her devoutly and love her completely
Come on Greg, you can do this,
I think her name’s Kimberly."
#2
Quote by #1 synth
Please comment on this. I think it's hilarious. Last one I'll post for a week. I'm slowly returning from the last. Thanks to everyone who reads what I write, I really don't deserve it.


Yoga, From Greg's Dog's Perspective

Every Sunday at eight
Greg goes to create
The funniest shapes
In a body that’s too overweight
While I’m tied by my nape
To the bars of a grate
By a leash that I hate
With a bowl of stale bait
That hopes to sedate me enough
So when he comes back I won’t be irate.

This first verse is amazing - the image of the sad-eyed dog tied to a lampost whining is brought clearly to mind

For the next two hours
I watch Greg, in a rage,
In a glass-plated cage
Move his legs
Around his head
Hoping to beg,
Or provoke, some muse
To help him be fit
Or more flexibly knit
So he can impress that girl
With black-poodle curls
Who swirls, twirls, and whirls,
Her lotus limbs clench and unfurl,
And flashes her pearls
Whenever she catches Greg
Smiling between the gap in the world
That keeps them still and enfolded
Smiling between the thin blue mats
That holds them taught against their slacks
Flat on their backs, breathing,
Still and flat on their backs.

This bit lost me slightly, but it's still really good, excellent choice of words

I yell at him then,
Every Sunday at ten
And he tells me “chill, just be zen”
He thinks that I’m mad
Or irreparably sad
That he’s left me outside for so long
But really I’m pitying
I’m looking down, condescending
At those Greg’s and those girl’s
For being so timid, so quiet,
So apprehensive, so many games
So many looks and so many invisible aims.

He says “boy, did you see the flames
In her eyes tonight, boy, she learned our names
In her mouth tonight boy, there I was.”

i really like the bit ive bolded, i feel it hints at loads of tension within the group (assuming there is a group, and its not just Greg and the object of his fancy) another good verse

And I say “boy, you boy,
You should be happy I’m coy
Because if I hadn’t been neutered
I’d be on top of your toy
I’d have jumped on her leg and given her joy
I’d have licked at her face and conquered her troy
(you would have just been the wooden decoy)
I’d have destroyed the worlds that’d hold me away
I’d have deployed offense and tenderness on my beautiful prey
I’d have her petting my butt I’d keep her suitors at bay,
Look boy, I guess what I’m trying to say
Is that if you did things my way
She would stay, but if you keep being human
She will be led astray
To a dog like me who won’t treat her properly,
To a dog like me who can’t ever love her like you can:
Love her devoutly and love her completely
Come on Greg, you can do this,
I think her name’s Kimberly."


this verse had me in fits of laughter, top work


seriously, excelent work, purely amazing

could you comment on mine, it's in my sig - "After Everything"
Yes, I Am A Lesbian... No, I Don't Do Porn
#3
Cute.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
The first few lines of the last stanza are simply amazing.

Though with the dog comparing jerks of men to himself seemed out of place. This dog seems like a caring, gentle soul...unlike the men that are reffered to as dogs. But then again, if this dog was not nuetered that could very well be the case.

The subject matter is a breath of very fresh air...though I think this dragged on a little too long. A dogs attention span is usually relativaly short and I think he woulda found a rabbit to chase by the end of the second or third stanza. I dig it though.

...

So that's two c4c you owe me now.
"Snooze button" is the first you oughta peep and I'll be cashing in the next one soon enough.
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Oct 6, 2008,
#9
I loved loved loved the mood and the fact that I just read a Dylan poem that didn't feel like it had all the weight of the world on its shoulders. The fact that (holy shit *gasp*) it was actually fun to read was ridiculously unexpected, seeing as your normal pieces read a bit like personalized incongruent philosophy with a touch of acid.


The problem I found with this was it got so lost in cutesy at the beginning. It felt a little multi-directional and it sort of lost me on that train. The last stanza is so direct and bold, where as the first bits are just sort of a free-form rambling that never really funnels down to me. It needed to lead into things a bit more to really justify the aggressive message in the last stanza. It's like going from skipping through a field of daisies to running full sprint away from a giant man-eating vagina with genital warts on it. Still, the first bits had their own level of charm... they just don't seemingly connect for me. Each bit had its own punch... and I can see how the character building can kind of connect, but really you didn't build enough of the "Greg" being a passive bitch... for me... which weakens the philosophical context of allowing the dog's "moral-less" character judge our system. You needed to allow him to build up more of a character to allow the destruction to carry its full weight in the context of that area.

It was still fun to read... but I think the cutesyness well overshadows the message at hand and makes it hard for me to appreciate it as much. Honestly, if it weren't for the constant rhyming I think this would feel much less like a fable and carry more of water in the "meaning" department. BUT, the rhymes are also carrying the fun tone. So I don't know.