#1
Hi

i was just listening to 3 libras by A perfect circle, and for some odd reason it gave me some random ideas and i just started writing, so heres the song.

As the rain falls
So do my tears
As the sky clouds
So do my fears

There’s nothing left
For me to hide from
I’m just myself
The pain has turned me numb

They drop, from the sky
I know, that I wont die
Even though it hurts, I wont cry, anymore, anymore

(All that’s left) is this painless feeling
(My heads clear) Now there’s no more screaming
(The pain inside) is now receeding [credit for line: cartoonydude707]
(They cry) But it’s just a little bleeding

They drop, from the sky
I know, that I wont die
Even though it hurts, I wont cry, anymore, anymore


The songs kinda sounds incomplete, i know, but i cant think of anything to make it more complete

Please comment, and help me make it better, or even title it

P.s This is the second song i wrote
Last edited by sarmadical at Oct 5, 2008,
#2
Hey, glad to see a new writer on the forums but you need to take look at the rules pal, especially the part regarding thread titles. Once you've taken a look at them re-post the song in a thread with a correct title, and we are able to crit it.

Good luck with the writing

*reported*

[EDIT] To you guys who have posted after the thread was reported, you need to check out the rules too. Posting in a thread after it's been reported can get you a warning. If you want a crit on your work, wait until the thread is reposted correctly, and don't post pointless comments like "this is a little emo" as it doesn't really help the TS in improving their work.
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at Oct 5, 2008,
#4
Quote by mrjimborinsane
that pretty depressing stuff. sounds emo man


lol, i was kinda playing some dark ominous type stuff on guitar, so just wrote it, and the songs not about me
#5
It's pretty good. Sounds like Linkin Park blended in with a little extra emo. If you'll do crit4crit, I have a song on the first page called Fight.
#7
I would change "The pain now, its all numb" to "The pain now has gone numb". Saying "its" sounds too redundant.

(All that’s left) is this painless feeling
(My heads clear) Now there’s no more screaming
(The pain inside) is now receding This sounded like there was a line missing, so I added a little somethin' I'm not sure how the flow of the song goes, so I might be wrong, but 3 lines seemed unfinished.
(They cry) But it’s just a little bleeding
#8
Quote by cartoonydude707
I would change "The pain now, its all numb" to "The pain now has gone numb". Saying "its" sounds too redundant.

(All that’s left) is this painless feeling
(My heads clear) Now there’s no more screaming
(The pain inside) is now receding This sounded like there was a line missing, so I added a little somethin' I'm not sure how the flow of the song goes, so I might be wrong, but 3 lines seemed unfinished.
(They cry) But it’s just a little bleeding


EXCELLENT ADDITION DUDE, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!


thanks a lot !