#1
I'll do crit4crit starting right now, because I just added this in. This is just something made when I was incredably bored. It's supposed to be somewhere between Disturbed and System of a Down. To save me putting pages of notations, here's a key for the song:

Word's in italics= sang slowly/mellowly by two male singers
Words in bold= Yelled/screamed
Words underlined= sang by two male singers
Lines done like this (line 1/line 2) are to be sang at the same time.

Will you spend your last moments; on this earth!
Crying and bleeding, in the dirt!
Or will you raise your hands; to the sky!
And scream it's not my day, TO, DIE!


The sky, the sky, the sky is falling;
people screaming so appalling.
The sky, the sky, is growing near;
some watch while most cower in fear, oh... no...


Oh, NOOOO!
Stand up and fight!
For our every right.
Stand up and say!
We do not die today.
So now we race!
To put the sky back in place.
It's our chance, to, prove!
What it is to be human

Oh... no.... oh.... no.
The sky, the sky, the sky is falling;
people screaming so appalling.
The sky, the sky, is growing near;
some watch while most cower in fear, oh... no...

Oh; NOOOOO!

(Stand up and fight;For our every right!/The sky, the sky, the sky is falling.)
(Stand up and say;We do not die today!/People screaming, so appalling.)
(So now we race;To put the sky back in place!/The sky, the sky is growing near.)
It's our chance, to, prove!
What it is to be human.
Last edited by herby190 at Oct 8, 2008,
#2
i actually kinda liked it man.
i could almost hear it as like an old Haste the Day song even (when Jimmy Ryan screamed).
there are some sick possibilities with that song.
#3
Thanks. I've never been able to get into the right state of mind to write actual metal, so this is as close as I can get.
#4
im more of a metalcore person, so thats what i hear it as, as apposed to a more metal song
#6
Its cool, to me if i was to sing that, it kinda sounds like a band a really like, A Skylit Drive, or something like Silverstein, but i get the System of a Down type feeling like you said.

Its a cool song, but i think in the ending, the 2 different lines being sung together would kind of ruin the songs, as words wont flow together, it might sound out of place and give you a bad ending to such a good song.

I would say instead of singing them together, do something like:

(Stand up and fight;
The sky, the sky, the sky is falling.
For our every right!

What i mean is mix them together but dont sing them together, it would kill the flow if you understand what i mean.
#7
The fact that 'you' are standing up so as to 'fix the sky' takes away from the earlier power of standing up so as to be human.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#8
I see what you mean. The mellow lines would have to be sung very softly, but you might be right...
#9
Quote by meh!
The fact that 'you' are standing up so as to 'fix the sky' takes away from the earlier power of standing up so as to be human.
...hih?
#11
The mellow part, about the sky falling, had been in my head for about a week, drifting in there with the thousands of stanzas of unused lyrics, then the whole stand up and fight thing just popped into my head. The rest took about a minute or two, one I got a chance to think about it.

No problem about replying to your lyrics, I just wish I could have said something more... helpful.
#12
Cheers for looking at my song, glad you liked it. I'm about to head off for bed so I'll edit this post and give you a full crit tomoro dude. As for now, it's got good rawness to it, some of the ideas need a little more work on, but I'll get into it properly tomoro.
#13
'...hih?'

I read it wrong, nevermind that.

I'm sorry I can't really suggest much to change. There are obviously the constraints placed on it by being a song, but aside from that it seems to work perfectly well. I suppose I don't like the line 'growing nearer' it's a pretty tame way to describe some that's evidently catastrophic...
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#14
Its neat. Im not a fan of the 'screaming bits', I think it overpowers the softer imagery in the lyrics to the point of almost being insipid.

Other then that, its a nice piece.
#15
True, but some bands make it work, like Atreyu and Bullet For My Valentine. I admit I need to perfect the balance though.
#17
pretty different and unique, thanks for the kind words on mine
#19
That's really good man, I could definitively hear the disturbed influences in there. I really like this part:

"The sky, the sky, the sky is falling;
people screaming so appalling.
The sky, the sky, is growing near;
some watch while most cower in fear, oh... no"

Think you did good with the metaphors and it all seems to flow nicely. Good job
#20
Yeh I liked it, had a Soldier Side vibe about it.
Once We Were Anarchists
#21
umm...apocalyptic meaning most likely...right? and i liked it...it was mad good cause i could hear it in my head..the only thing is the lyrics are the same recycled lines over and over maybe put a bridge to completely change the melody, rhythm, lyrics, everything just throw the listener off so the song is more an experience than just 3 minutes of the same thing...no offense
#22
None taken. I was thinking the same thing myself. I'm gonna have a friend of mine who plays guitar and also writes look over it.
#23
Dude, I like what I see. The sky is falling part reminds me of something I've heard in a Blood Brothers song, but that was just random xp
I enjoy the repetition of words that you used in this one. Usually it's appaling and I don't care in other songs, but in this one you did a really good job and if your in a band, I would really love to hear what this song really sounds like :]
Overall, I like it, simple lyrics(I've started writing lighter lyrics lately, I used to write Blood Brothers style stuff), although the meaning is still a little fuzzy to me. I could easily say it's like the world is collapsing on us, but I'm not sure.
Perhaps people not giving into the the fact that they are failures and will die pathetically, but they will fight to live and, etc, haha, you get it.

But I like this piece, well done dude, your other piece was awesome to. Overall your a solid lyric writer and actually one of the better lyricist I've seen on here 8]
#24
Thanks. I'm glad to hear you like it. The point of this song isn't really singular; it's any battle, any problem, important or minuscule. It may be put to use, but I still need to get a bass, and the band still needs a lead singer, but one of the guitarists seems to like it, and he's going to try to write a bridge to add a little bit of a break to it. If we ever get this done, I'll let you listen to it.
#25
That was really good, I really liked the whole idea of fixing the sky. Good spin to the term: "the sky is falling!". The song structure also really fits well with a Disturbed-like feel.
Link to my song is in my signature!
this one is for you.
#27
The only influence that really came from System of a Down is having two (or, in their case, sometimes three) lines being sung at the same time, one more of as a rhythm while the other is the main.