#1
This is another song i wrote recently its coming from the view point of a soldier..Here it is:

Verse 1
Don't be the one without an ego.
Bathed in sin, Clothed in tragedy.
Forget trying to tell me i'll die if I go?
Is the life i live really worth saving?
It's do or die in this world.
When something just feels right.
My life's reconsidered,
Everything is so bitter.
I need to pass the time away.
I'm growing tired of these days..

Chorus
All of your soldiers bring them here.
They hide their love, they hide their fear.
All of your soldiers remember the pain.
When all of this is over, they'll have no shame.

Verse 2
You sit on our throne head over heels.
Watching your soldiers, licensed to kill.
Thinking your country's worth dying for.
Living in fear, dying in war.
Surrender your body, surrender your mind.
Bow down to them, You soon will find.
Fighting for countries is not worth the war.
Peace must be filled, down by the shore.

Chorus

Verse 3
They said all is fair in war and love.
But what about in the heavens, way up above?
All of your soldiers they shall not be shunned.
A soldier you see, a soldier you shall become.

Bridge
You then are confronted, you meet face to face.
Deciding to make peace, no life's worth waste.
Then you dump all the bodies you've already lost...
Thinking if it was all worth the cost..

Chorusx2

That's it for now if you could critique it and I'll be sure to critique some of your future work. Thank you for your time
-Dreams Broken
Quote by Jackolas
You are my favorite August 08er, sir!


One day, when the time has come,
The truth will shine, we'll never run.
We both know just how feel,
I'm praying to god that this is real.
Last edited by dreams broken at Jun 21, 2009,
#2
awsome but in Its do or Die girl in this world think itd sound a lil better if you take out girl
but awsome ima post a nother one l8r still in the making though
#4
Quote by awall1022
awsome but in Its do or Die girl in this world think itd sound a lil better if you take out girl
but awsome ima post a nother one l8r still in the making though


thx for posting, i think it was overall pretty good...but ya i fixed the girl thing thx very much
Quote by Jackolas
You are my favorite August 08er, sir!


One day, when the time has come,
The truth will shine, we'll never run.
We both know just how feel,
I'm praying to god that this is real.
#5
I honestly can't find anything that I would change. Nice work. Its a great song in my opinion. I read both of your songs, and this one is by far the best. I enjoyed reading it.

If you want, you could take a look at my song 'Not Today' I'd appreciate some feedback on it. You can tear it apart if you want.
#6
i agree with lp, i wouldn't change a line. i just would like to ask though,

Quote by dreams broken
Watching your soldiers, licensed to kill.
Thinking your countries worth dying for.


is that really 'countries' or 'country's'? both makes sense though, like thinking of the countries that are worth dying for, or thinking that your country is worth dying for.

anyway, nice song.
#7
Quote by hard.luck.baby
is that really 'countries' or 'country's'? both makes sense though, like thinking of the countries that are worth dying for, or thinking that your country is worth dying for.

anyway, nice song.


it was meant to be country's sorry bout that error, small mistakes do add up because i completely concur with your statement, but thanks a lot for posting.
Quote by Jackolas
You are my favorite August 08er, sir!


One day, when the time has come,
The truth will shine, we'll never run.
We both know just how feel,
I'm praying to god that this is real.
#8
very nicely done. The only thing I would even think about changing is the line, "Is your life really worth saving me? I understand what you are saying, and I dont know how it sounds when its sung, but I think it might be a little confusing or jumbled. If you changed it to is my life really worth saving, or is your life really worth saving mine. I dont really know its just when I read it I had to go back and reread it cause it did not sound right, but I may just be nitpicking, overall very nice though.
#9
Quote by ak10
very nicely done. The only thing I would even think about changing is the line, "Is your life really worth saving me? I understand what you are saying, and I dont know how it sounds when its sung, but I think it might be a little confusing or jumbled. If you changed it to is my life really worth saving, or is your life really worth saving mine. I dont really know its just when I read it I had to go back and reread it cause it did not sound right, but I may just be nitpicking, overall very nice though.

Thanks alot for the critique i hope wht i changed it too counts...and it sticks; this is the second piece i have ever written, so i hope i did well, thx again
Quote by Jackolas
You are my favorite August 08er, sir!


One day, when the time has come,
The truth will shine, we'll never run.
We both know just how feel,
I'm praying to god that this is real.
#10
I liked the song but there was just one thing I would have changed.

The 1st verse seemed out of place with the context of the song being about "soldiers and war." You could leave the song the way it is and it would still be a good song, but I just felt that there was no flow between the 1st verse and the rest of the song.

Cheers