#1
So this is my first attempt at writing any lyrics or anything, so if it sucks you'll know why. I wrote it on the train on my way into Chicago and its about struggling to write lyrics and this girl who I'm "in a relationship with", but not really. Things are weird, and it was a nice opportunity to start writing.
Imagine this sung in the style similar to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus or Underoath (singing, not screaming).
And I apologize for not reading the rules the first time

"Tracks"

Life toiling away, riding the tracks all night long
Not sure what to think, but trying to sketch out some words for a song
A notebook, a nail, hard seat and the rails
Vision fades from exhaustion
But still I will try, not knowing why
To write something meaningful.

Useless thoughts and ideas pour forth, useless lines on the paper
Station by station, people pass by, not knowing what I'm thinking
Without you I feel, like a train with no engine
So many chances to move, but I was afraid to mention (awkward, but tryed to rhyme)
So now I fear, this'll never reach your ears
At least not what I meant to say
Down this long road, my story unfolds
Will you ever know what I meant to say?

Chorus?:
90 miles an hours
For something sour
A taste in my mouth I can't help
Something I've never felt
But I cant get you out of my mind
No matter how long I ride
The tracks.
Last edited by cartoonydude707 at Oct 5, 2008,
#2
I like it, well done
Fender Special Edition Custom Telecaster FMT HH in Crimson Red
Reverend Sensei HB FM in Tobacco Burst
Fender Vintage C Neck, HH, Surf Green Nitrocellulose (Handmade)

Egnater Rebel-30 MKI Head
Egnater Tourmaster Series 412B 280W 4x12 Cabinet
#4
nice song, pretty good use of words

I like it, but i think like me you sometimes have to get EVERYTHING to rhyme, i have that problem, but not everythin has to rhyme, you can go free verse, check out tool or a perfect circle stuff to see what im talking about. overall good job

Check out my song, i need help :P
#5
Quote by cartoonydude707


"Tracks"

Life toiling away, riding the tracks all night long
Not sure what to think, but trying to sketch out some words for a song
A notebook, a nail, hard seat and the rails
Vision fades from exhaustion
But still I will try, not knowing why
To write something meaningful.

Some of the lines in ths stanza felt choppy and disjointed. It didn't evoke the emotions that I feel you were aiming for very well. With that said I thought "Visions fades from exhaustion" would work well as a starting point for thie piece.

Useless thoughts and ideas pour forth, useless lines on the paper
Station by station, people pass by, not knowing what I'm thinking
Without you I feel, like a train with no engine
So many chances to move, but I was afraid to mention (awkward, but tryed to rhyme)
So now I fear, this'll never reach your ears
At least not what I meant to say
Down this long road, my story unfolds
Will you ever know what I meant to say?

The rhyme works but you didn't actuall finish that line of. This, though, works well as a continuality of the first verse. This felt more thought-proved and ambitious, which are two ingredients that a song needs. Though i've to say that, that first line didn't roll of the tongue that well. It sounded jiberish, maybe you should try to isolate those sounds to create an overall effect and for it to accompany your voice.

Chorus?:
90 miles an hours
For something sour
A taste in my mouth I can't help
Something I've never felt
But I cant get you out of my mind
No matter how long I ride
The tracks.

This doesn't go well as a chorus. None of it really connected and it wasn't catchy or remember-full. This should be written; try to make it connect.


This has potential, I must say, thus you should keep working on this; I would like to see the finl product.

PS: If you've time check out Din: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=970776 for me please. Thank you in Advance
#6
I'll just do some technical comments in the quote... and then I'll tell you my overall impression at the end. Just for the record, I'll be quite negative... but its only to help you get better.

Thanks for the comments on mine.

Quote by cartoonydude707


"Tracks"

Life toiling away, riding the tracks all night long
Not sure what to think, but trying to sketch out some words for a song
A notebook, a nail, hard seat and the rails
Vision fades from exhaustion
But still I will try, not knowing why
To write something meaningful.

Line 2 is way way way to long. For this style of writing, specifically song writing, having one line that long can only lead to rhythm problems down the road. You might be able to make it work, but I'd recommend writing it in a more accessible form, so that the reader (if someone is reading it) doesn't lose all sense of rhythm. I really wanted an "a" in front of hard seat. This begs for punctuation too, punctuation is a guide to helping us read this the way you want us too... wihtout it, we're sort of stuck.

Useless thoughts and ideas pour forth, useless lines on the paper
Station by station, people pass by, not knowing what I'm thinking
Without you I feel, like a train with no engine
So many chances to move, but I was afraid to mention (awkward, but tryed to rhyme)
So now I fear, this'll never reach your ears
At least not what I meant to say
Down this long road, my story unfolds
Will you ever know what I meant to say?

The rhyme is fine. See the end comments... this stanza in particular is what I'm talking about in the "bland" section of my comments.


Chorus?:
90 miles an hours
For something sour
A taste in my mouth I can't help
Something I've never felt
But I cant get you out of my mind
No matter how long I ride
The tracks.

As a chorus, this is bad. There's little hook to it... its not very catchy. The sour thing comes out of nowhere. Plus the lines are weak.




the problem with this piece, outside of a few execution things lies in its content. The fact that, there really isn't a whole lot here for the reader to digest and process. It's a scene... but a scene done in a way that makes it almost uninteresting to follow. There are not exquisite details... no quirky points of view... not really anything interesting. Beyond that, its presented in a fairly bland way. You stuck with the cliches of image painting. You gave everything this light and "air-y" vibe, which really doesn't mesh well with the story at hand. Like going to a circus tent to watch a funeral... it doesn't compliment itself. Specifically the part about the girl, the "writing letters; you'll never get my message; will you ever know I loved you" stuff is just old and overdone. You've heard it 1000 times, which is why its easier to resort to that then think of something original... but something original will always be more fun to read. At the end of the day, you have a fairly standard piece... it started out sort of promising, with some nice content about not being able write, but went downhill to standardized ideas.

I'd recommend you write about something a little less conventional. Step outside your box for a bit and write about weird things... like watching birds fly into trees and kill themselves or something like that. Step outside of the comfort zone and learn to make your content carry your piece... and once that works start learning to make your techniques compliment your content... and THEN come back and take on something like love. By then, you'll have the necessary skills and "author vision" to make something cliche sing for you.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM.

-zC
#8
I think it has potential but you gotta add more and take out some, just keep tweaking it. Make the lines stronger other then having a line that's tells something and then a random line. Also link the story with your girl and how it relates to her because it's almost random that she just pops up and then you talk about her the rest of the time. But mostly it's a good song for your first.

Thanks for critiquing mine.
-Austin