#1
must've been Eden.

there's black within the love.
the love she gives me, n(one).
i turned to find
her eyes(such lies)
in my open palm -

crying, black.

Dear God, i need that love!
black,
i'll squeeze the eyes dry
all over my face
all over my skin
inside of my mouth;
so i can sweat you out in
the cold breeze,
freeze me inside
your beautiful
black
tears,
that heroin, that fucking junk.
all of you(r) dark -
i'd make love to it with
with the passion of serpents.

this is not me, though.

this, the
sentiment of a rose,
and the peace of good company.
the expensive smell
of cheap cigarettes,
and the feeling that you get
when you know
you knew that person last night
from somefuckingwhere,
and then everything seems
so.
much.
smaller.

sometimes i call.

nevermind, that's a lie.

i will someday, though.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Oct 5, 2008,
#2
It may not be a mainstream style, but I love it. A balance between beauty and black; it's reality. The end is abrupt enough to make a point, yet not such a turn around that the song loses the point. It's pretty good. If you'll do crit4crit, it's in my sig.
Last edited by herby190 at Oct 5, 2008,
#3
Quote by ottoavist
must've been Eden.

there's black within the love.
the love she gives me, n(one).
i turned to find
her eyes(such lies)
in my open palm -

A excellently executed beat style stanza here. The flow really was captivating. You're beginning to utilize your own unique style. This was wonderful.

crying, black.

Dear God, i need that love!
black,
i'll squeeze the eyes dry
all over my face
all over my skin
inside of my mouth;
so i can sweat you out in
the cold breeze,
freeze me inside
your beautiful
black
tears,
that heroin, that fucking junk.
all of you(r) dark -
i'd make love to it with
with the passion of serpents.

This didn't successfully carry that lightning like momentum you had with your first stanza. It felt like you were starting to gain some sort of literal fatigue. But nothing at all major, this can be easily fixed, I know you.

this is not me, though.

exactly

this, the
sentiment of a rose,
and the peace of good company.
the expensive smell
of cheap cigarettes,
and the feeling that you get
when you know
you knew that person last night
from somefuckingwhere,
and then everything seems
so.
much.
smaller.

Ah, I don't know man. Some of your ideas here were gold but then, in those little areas were I felt that you're a bit complacent hindered that overall effect. Agaim, you can fix this.

sometimes i call.

nevermind, that's a lie.

i will someday, though.

I know these last three lines have a haunting message beneath them, but I'm not sure. Elaborate?


Overall, you're getting up there man.
#4
I'm a little on the fence about the first stanza. I hate the n(one) part. It just doesn't seem like it's that important to say one, that you have to try and pull that. I also don't know about the image of the eyes. Squishing them, that just puts me off, personally. It's not too bad, though, just a personal taste.

Second stanza was quite an interesting display, but I had to re-read it several times to get it. I wouldn't quite say change it, but it was just a tad bit harder to read at first:
I think splitting "black / tears" like that was perfect.
"All of you(r) dark -" is my only complaint. Because of the abruptness, it doesn't feel like there's much coming from it. The parentheses isn't as bad as the first one, but I still don't find it neccessary. Other than that line, I loved this stanza.

Next stanza. Not counting the singular line before that, I disliked the first five lines here. The first line was a fraction that didn't need to be split apart from the rest of the sentence like that. The other four didn't seem to contribute to what I thought the second half was about. Speaking of second half, I did like the direction this took, and the tone set by it. I absolutely loved the last three lines.

Overall, I enjoyed the piece, but the introduction was bland and boring. I feel that your swervy style adapted to the tone very well, which surprised me, considering the effects it normally tries for.

(If you have time, and if you felt like my crit was worthwhile, could you hit up the one in my sig?)
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 5, 2008,
#5
this, the
sentiment of a rose,

Excellent use of line breaks, and not just here. I couldn't even begin to pick out a favorite image.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
thank you guys for your help.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
i didn't really get the parenthesis

"i'd make love to it with the passion of serpents" is a great line.
squeezing eyes dry? sentiments of a rose?
b-e-a-utiful.

nicely written. i might nit pick later but nothing comes to mind right now.

(if you can give "honk if you love peace & quiet" a look i'd appreciate it. thanks)
#8
I come on to read your threads.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching