#1
Its been bloody months since I posted here...broken computer...college...etc. Anyways, this one is pretty self explanatory. Crit4crit, as usual.


She's a crane
Bus ticket origami paper plane
She is the newspapered up windowpane
That stops the brighter lights
From getting in
Kiss these lips, wine stained and broken
Let your wave eclipse
Another sea I part another tide is weapt
To drown the milky beaches of my skin

A wastepaper basket of photos and wombs
A fire alarm screams as it cackles and burns
And I'm not really sure
What this hollow drum is for
But its breaking it in
To be loved and not love in return

A room full of doubt like a wave amongst ships
A cigarette glued onto my fingertips
And a long goodbye
To a familliar lie
With a half-empty matchbook
In my empty fist.
#2
To be honest, I hated your first and last lines. I think the first stanza stands much stronger without that blunt intro. It takes away from the mysterious feel the rest of the stanza could have. Plus, you lose the triple rhyme which was just way too much for me anyways.

To me, the second and third stanzas well outshine the first. The first is too lost in its own detail. It's lost in the scene setting, where as the second two have the scenery built directly into the progression of the character. First had some good lines though... in specific line 2 and 3. The "from getting in" line was... meh. It seems like a waste of a line to me. My thought process was "Really? You kept a whole line for something as mundane as "from getting in" from something that we could have said in 100 better ways? If you want to keep that, spread it across two lines so I don't realize that I'm reading insignificant filler."

Imagery and ideas in the last two were good until the last line. The "empty fist" line just evokes all sort of negative connotations. It's the type of line that sounds angsty and like a half-assed attempt at showing "I've lost it all but am going to persevere, look at my hair flopping over my eye!" It just sounds like you didn't know how to finish it and tacked on that image to draw it to a close. I could be wrong, but that's how it came across.

Thanks for getting to mine.

-zC
#3
Quote by Cacophonaut
Its been bloody months since I posted here...broken computer...college...etc. Anyways, this one is pretty self explanatory. Crit4crit, as usual.


She's a crane
Bus ticket origami paper plane
She is the newspapered up windowpane
That stops the brighter lights
From getting in
Kiss these lips, wine stained and broken
Let your wave eclipse
Another sea I part another tide is weapt
To drown the milky beaches of my skin

I like this first part. The imagery is unique and original. However, you kind of lose me towards the last few lines. Im not sure about how it worked for me.

A wastepaper basket of photos and wombs
A fire alarm screams as it cackles and burns
And I'm not really sure
What this hollow drum is for
But its breaking it in
To be loved and not love in return

The first two lines dont really get to me, but I do enjoy the last four.

A room full of doubt like a wave amongst ships
A cigarette glued onto my fingertips
And a long goodbye
To a familliar lie
With a half-empty matchbook
In my empty fist.

This gives me a nice image, but I dont like "In my empty fist." When I read the second line I think of a cigarette glued to lips, rather then what you've written. Though, it avoids cliches which is nice.




An interesting piece.
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