#1
Native in a headdress
argues with the Chief,
"if you're gonna wear this
then surely so can we"

But the Chief screams,
"dude, don't know know our history?
it's in our spirit,
our religion and our ancestry"

"But they're some pretty feathers,
I don't want your responsibility
but that multicoloured headdress
surely promotes equality"

Chief takes the headdress,
tells the native he's taking the piss,
"you can find yourself another tribe
if you want to wear this"

Native's pissed. Decides to take a risk.
"TRIBE: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ALL THINK OF THIS SHIT???"
Tribe decides the risk is worth it
and the women start sewing up new headdresses

Chief pulls a pistol out of his.
Screams "ONE, TWO, THREE" and lets off the first bullet,
goes on the run and hits up the whole village,
"LISTEN, YOU BASTARDS, I'M THE FUCKING CHIEF
I WEAR WHAT I WEAR,
YOU DON'T, YOU SEE?"

Native(s) no longer exist(s).

Chief puts back the pistol,
goes to his hut and sits.
"Fuck", he says with anguish,
"I'm gonna have to find me another village"
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 7, 2008,
#2
Wtf?
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#3
Nice, I could totally see this working over a sweet thrash metal riff.

Edit:

I'll probably be back.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Oct 6, 2008,
#4
I like it. not sure I could paint a stanza by stanza crit here, but I will ask: was it intended as a freeverse poem or a song? Because it comes out as the former. Anyways... The rhymes in the second stanza feel a bit forced, "spirituality...ancestry", especially since its a (rather sudden) couplet. But "ancestry" works with "history" alone, so rethink the third line.
I think it tailed off a little as you neared the end, you seem to get a bit wrapped up in telling the story, and frankly it reads as prose, especially the last stanza. I know its a lot, but consider rewriting it with a meteric flow, because while vers libre is all well and good, you have to actually use poetic techniques to pull it off.
Othe than that I think its a pretty interesting peice...whatever it happens to be a metaphor for (I imagine its some sort of anti-pointless-equality sentiment) its quite an ironic and well told story piece.

Edit: Hey, where in Manchester are you from?

Dave
#5
The rhyming dragged on again in the beginning, especially since the rhythm seems to sustain itself even without the rhymes.

That's all I got. I thoroughly had fun reading this.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
I agree with Zach. There were times where the rhythm dragged.

As a side note, I enjoyed the rhymes (in most cases). They gave it a more playful air, particularly in the first half.

I can hardly think up a crit. It does its job, other than some dragging points.
#8
Quote by ordinary_story
Wtf?


*reported*

I'll come back to this, Katherine. I enjoyed it on first read, then again, I've come to expect that from you.
#10
wtf?


i love this pretty much just as it is. i can't help but think this little conversational story is really a metaphor for something you've recently experienced or witnessed.

headdress is actually all one word, or sometime hyphenated. imho, it loses a bit of impact when written as two words.

the CAPS shouting was fine, but you might consider the last usage of that.
caps for the First Letter Of Each Word, With YOU DON'T In All Caps could be a nice touch to drive the emphasis home.

i'd like to see a more direct repeat in the phrases:
"you can find yourself another tribe"
and
"I'm gonna have to find me another village"
using either tribe or village in both.

/nitpicking.


me likey.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Oct 6, 2008,
#11
I agree that the rhyming in the second stanza seems forced. Spirituality sounds wrong....try something like

"dude, don't know know our history?
it's our spirit,
our religion and our ancestry"


This is silly but I feel for some reason that it's laced with some really deep hidden meaning.
What inspired this?

And yeah, I don't know about anyone else but reading the title really made me think of baseball.
WOO GO TRIBE!
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Oct 6, 2008,
#12
Thank you all

I'm going to edit it a bit later on today, try to stop the middle from dragging and maybe doing something with that capitalisation. I've changed a bit in the second stanza and made it say 'chief' one less time. Fixed the headdresses.

Thanks for all the kind words and glad people overall enjoyed it. I wasn't entirely sure when I posted it

I'm from Didsbury. This is about uniform and the idea that the powers that be can't really enforce their laws properly because if people don't like it and they stop them, they won't be the powers that be anymore.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
concept doesnt work, no one wants to be a indian
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#15
I like the piece....it flows....

I can't complain cuz I like the concept of it and it feels pretty originalnalnal

The only part I had to read over again was this
"dude, don't know know our history?"

And lemme tally your scores here

Orginananality
10

Dialogue
8

Effort
9.5

Total: 27.5 Avg: 9.17

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rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#16
Sorry it has taken to long to come back to this, my computer has crashed and I'm trying to repair it - I am temporarily using my brothers awesome PC...

The problem with this, one that I found anyway, was that I took too long to accustom myself to the method of wording, and I couldn't help that - the lack of punctuation added to that difficulty. The first two verses felt irritating to read and I found it jumped into the conversation a little bit too early. I predict it would of been more advantageous to set the scene with something descriptive and pretty before arriving into that odd patten that is common throughout this; also to let the reader settle into something more concrete before instigating the conversation, which is truly odd, but wonderfully funny and sarcastic.

It wasn't really until the last two stanzas that I cared that much about this (don't get my wrong, I did enjoy this). I wanted to see an opening of potent importance and poetic justice, instead of leaving it until the end, which seemed to take forever to reach.
The humour of piece shone through and the point was pretty clear after finishing reading this, but the first few verses didn't do anything to me other than set up the ending.

Digitally Clean
#18
That was amazing.
Like others have said, there's definently some deep meaning here,
but at the same time it's kind of silly.
9.8/10