#1
This is one of the first lyrics I've ever made and first I've published on this forum, so any critisism is good. Keep in mind that we're building the song around the lyrics, thats why I have no specific rhyme pattern. It's a metal song, with some cool heavy riffs with a blasting cool beat

Soldier's story

Lying in a puddle of mud and water, staring up at Satan's spawn.
Pinched my shoulder a million times in hopes of waking up.
I'm never waking up, this is as real as it gets. we are fighting for our lives.
watching my squad die one for one, just praying the next one will be me.
please god, put me out of my misery!


hypocrisy at its worst, they say "go out there and be men", when they're not even man
enough to join us out there. we're in watery graves soaked with our fallen comrades blood,
while they sit in their offices drinking tea.


His eyes were red as blood, slowly he fell to the ground, screaming.
Looking at a dead enemy.
A man, just like me.
I took his life, for what? (thought it would be best to just leave the question hanging there, unanswered)


I have a picture of him tattooed to my eyelids.
insanity has finally come.
whispering in my ears "murderer, murderer,murderer,murderer"(both vocal and guitar shouts)
No longer will I feel the way I do, this has gone on long enough, it's my last resort.
the bible says "an eye for an eye" well I say "a soul for a soul" Goodbye.
#2
I will say one thing... write about what you know. War songs are good, I don't see the big problem with them, personally, but only when the writer is not tempted into territory he does not understand. If you have been to war and have felt its horrific method of success, fair enough. It you haven't, try and pen something that is more relatable to the average Joe.
Something where you know you can find interesting and emotional topics to discuss.

Digitally Clean
#3
Every other Russian song is about war and I don't think that half of the people there really know what they're talking about. It's easy to get caught up in cliches about stuff like this.

If you do decide to write about something you haven't personally experienced don't just stick the cliches of the subject. Read some personal memoirs of those who have seen it and been there and use that as inspiration. Read up on some history. Use actual events and battles.

I don't really see this as a song yet. There is no real rhythm or flow to it. Work on developing a better structure of verse. Otherwise this feels more like freeverse poetry to me.