#1
k, so the title is meaningless, but it was something i was thinking about when i finished the song...

but this was written about my grandmother's death and her struggle with alzheimers

any ideas would be appreciated


under pines we mourn the few and cast them off into the night
this eterinity: fades to blue and burns the ones who've won the fight
once cremated, consciousness becomes an afterthought
and the obligatory feeling of uselessness is all we've got

under birch we ride in cue and quickly break into the night
once there's nothing left to do, we crush the barriers of sunlight
once debated, righteousness becomes an afterthought
and given this false piety, we're lucky that we're the lot

we died tonight, else i'm dreaming

under leaves of golden hue, radiant with our will to fight
callouses and blisters too, upon our souls. this torrent blight
will cause us to reach out to those who fell before thier time
and ask for guidance for the hardest trials in our lives

we died toningt, else i'm dreaming


of course there's some repetition of verses and whatnot that i didn't bother to write down, but i figured id give an overview of the most important parts

i'd like to hear what you think....


EDIT: Its for a hardcore band, so think Agnostic Front or Sick Of It All
Quote by emoboy027
Is fingering an emo chick that likes yoy and that has fallen in love with you is it wrong to you to finger her during lunch outside in front of everyone at the high school? would you not care or lol even wish it was you?

Youztoobz
MIDI Magicalness!
Last edited by nashawa at Oct 6, 2008,
#2
The imagery is strong. I like it a lot as a poem but it's tough to imagine it in a song (it might fit just fine with the grenre though). I especially like the parellelism in the beginning of the verses. Nice use of vocabulary.
#3
thanks alot!
i guess its kind of obvious that it started out as a poem and was later tweaked into workable lyrics
but im fairly new at this...
Quote by emoboy027
Is fingering an emo chick that likes yoy and that has fallen in love with you is it wrong to you to finger her during lunch outside in front of everyone at the high school? would you not care or lol even wish it was you?

Youztoobz
MIDI Magicalness!
#4
i like this dude.
like the guy above, its a little hard to spot the rhythm or the flow of the lyrics as lyrics. But the continuity with the tree reference really grounds the whole piece. Good job

J
#5
hmmm
i guess it'd be easier to read if i put it like this

under pines we mourn the few
and cast them off into the night
this eternity: fades to blue
and burns the ones who've won the fight
etc...
but its sung fairly quickly, so i kept them in single lines

i see your point though...
Quote by emoboy027
Is fingering an emo chick that likes yoy and that has fallen in love with you is it wrong to you to finger her during lunch outside in front of everyone at the high school? would you not care or lol even wish it was you?

Youztoobz
MIDI Magicalness!