#1
your husband lost, inherit you
a thousand boats & books & ties,
but in all his crazy flu forgot
to bequeath the hundred thousand highs.

so, a wreck & drinking, such
is all a fifteenth-rated wife
wander aimlessly about
& hope to fall into a knife

& take breaths like a circus tent
& float in all your blackblouse to
the peak of all the summit earth
where all the baby planets grew

& on that soft funeral lawn
with every relative so near
the wine will skip... the earth will shake...
you'll feel a twitch amongst your ear

then utterly, the sky will part
& you and god will finally meet
& he'll pick you up and dust you off..
& stand you all upon your feet.


c4c, o.t.s, etc.
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 2, 2012,
#2
your husband lost, inherit you
a thousand boats and books and ties,
but in all his crazy flu forgot
to bequeath the hundred thousand highs.

class. you and flu links back and clicks great.

so, a wreck and drinking, such
is all a fifteenth-rate wife
wander aimlessly about
hoping to fall all into a knife

I don't get 'fifteenth-rate' wife, particularly but I thought the choice of 'all into a knife' was great. My only tiny problem is that you say 'aimlessly' and then you tell us her aim. I think you've 'stolen' an archetypal image (wandering aimlessley) instead of using your own and then its not gelled with your own image in the next line. But I could just be being too literal.

take breaths like a circus tent
and float in all your blackblouse too
the peak of all the summit earth
where all the baby planets grew

circus + blackblouse, loved that too. I got the impression that she thinks of him as the totality of the world which i liked.


on that lawn, at the funeral
with every relative all so near
the wine will skip, the earth will shake
for then a twitch amongst your ear

then utterly, the sky will part
and you and god will finally meet
and he'll pick you up and dust you off..
and stand you all upon your feet.

didn't like repitition of 'then'. Also, I think this last stanza is really addressing man and woman.

I can't really think of much I don't like, sorry, the control that you write with just adds to the emotion, as if it's dammed in.

EDIT: Link in my sig if you want to have a look
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Oct 6, 2008,
#3
S2 is the only part I dislike; it's unimaginative compared to the rest. The first and third stanzas are exceptional. The first for the content and phrasing - was just wonderful - and the third for the imagery, which was equally wonderful. This was very well done.

My condolences on your uncle's passing.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 6, 2008,
#4
I have to say, this went a different direction then I thought it was going to go and I was pleasantly surprised. you exerted a control here that was marvelous to read as well. great piece really. terribly relatable piece really.
#6
Quote by skagitup
your husband lost, inherit you
a thousand boats and books and ties,
but in all his crazy flu forgot
to bequeath the hundred thousand highs.

so, a wreck and drinking, such
is all a fifteenth-rate wife
wander aimlessly about
hoping to fall all into a knife I didn't like this stanza. Its definitly your weakest. You've said "aimlessly" then given her an aim, but apart from that, i just feel its not necessary

take breaths like a circus tent
and float in all your blackblouse too
the peak of all the summit earth
where all the baby planets grew

on that lawn, at the funeral
with every relative all so near
the wine will skip, the earth will shake
for then a twitch amongst your ear

then utterly, the sky will partDon't repeat "then"
and you and god will finally meet
and he'll pick you up and dust you off..
and stand you all upon your feet.


another one about my uncle's death/funeral. c4c, o.t.s, etc.


Well done Alex, i nearly cried when i read this. A really emphatic piece. Condolences on your uncle's death, mate, but a beautifully written piece, showing emotional connectivity and suberb writing. Can you read "Nighttime" for me, please? Could appreciate your help. Cheers, mate!
#8
This is the most genius, ridiculously good, amazing thing I've read as of late.

You are on a roll, sir.

I'm not sure you want to be.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
well, if 'wander aimlessly about/hoping to fall all into a knife' aren't as related as I made out, then I just think the second stanza has less cohesion than the other three. I read them as being directly connected which I think gives me a valid criticism. I also just don't particularly like 'wandering aimlessly' on its own anyway.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish