#1
This song was meant to have a bit of a Linkin Park feel to it (when they do mellow songs, almost like In The End or Numb). To tell the truth, it's the only band I could see doing this right. I kind of have mixed feelings as to whether this one is good or not, which I guess is why I'm putting it on here. Crit4crit. Also, I changed the breakdown, because everyone hated it. The one in now is the new one, which I personally think might throw off the screaming bit, but it's your opinion that matters.
Edit: I just realized I left out a stanza. I added it in now.

[Mellow, slowly]
I've done this all before
(same old thing, different day).
I need something more
(somehow, someway).

[Faster paced]
I'm finding nothing new,
day after ****ing day!
I need something more,
before I rot away!

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
That's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, SEISE!

[Mellow, slowly]
Why does my life show no meaning
(no point, no goal).
Why does no one see I'm bleeding
(So sore, no soul).

[Faster paced]
Why don't you try to help me,
why don't you lend a hand,
what is it you don't get,
what don't you understand.

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece,
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the desiese.

[This is meant almost as a breakdown]
Why is my only dream,
of the sky so gray.
As I look to the horizon,
I see but a darker shade.

[Scream]
IF I AM PURE,
WHY DO I FEEL...
SO STAINED!

[Instrumental part]

[Faster]
My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, siese!
[End abruptly]
Last edited by herby190 at Oct 12, 2008,
#2
I like this piece overall, just in some places there are some slight problems. Like in the chorus the flow seems slightly off, and I think it might sound better with a little less literalism and more imagery, but i guess thats more of an aesthetic choice. All in all its a pretty good song, love to see more
"I is another." - Rimbaud
#3
Thanks for the review; glad to hear you like it. I don't really think there will be more like this though. It's not really what I usually write.
#4
[Mellow, slowly]
I've done this all before
(same old thing, different day).
I need something more
(somehow, someway).

Decent opening verse, sets the scene well for the rest of the song.

[Faster paced]
I'm finding nothing new,
day after ****ing day!
I need something more,
before I rot away!

The rhyme scheme seems a bit forced here, also pretty much the same as the first verse.

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
That's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, SEISE!

I think it would sound a little better if It was " To ward off this disease".
Adding "the" in there sounds a bit sudden, doesnt seem like it fits.


[Mellow, slowly]
Why does my life show no meaning
(no point, no goal).
Why does no one see I'm bleeding
(So sore, no soul).

This was better, Nothing seems forced here and it has a perfect lyric for a slow, soft and mellow part of the song.


[Faster paced]
Why don't you try to help me,
why don't you lend a hand,
what is it you don't get,
what don't you understand.

This is ok.
My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece,
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the desiese.

Same as above

[This is meant almost as a breakdown]
Why is my only dream,
of my hands so red;
stained dark from the blood,
of one who is not dead.

This doesnt make sense to me.... Your basically describing someone with blood on their hands who isnt dead? Did you kill someone and there not dead? Or did you hurt someone who isnt dead ? It seems a bit vague and also leaves a chance for the reader to get confused. Explain.

[Scream]

IF I AM PURE,
WHY DO I FEEL...
SO STAINED!

( I like that ^ !, seems perfect for a screaming part)
[Instrumental part]

[Faster]
My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, siese!
[End abruptly]

Seems ok. Could use some revisions. A little boring, very predictable. Im sure if you edit it a bit you can make it into a Uber Metal Song

Not bad though....
Write it down.
#5
Thanks for the advice. The breakdown part of the song about dreaming of blood on your hands was meant to be abrupt, because the rhythm of this song tends to get pretty repetitive; it's just supposed to mean that they feel guilty, like they did something wrong, like they could have done something that would have stopped the whole repetitive circuit.
#6
I like the song in general, but the first verse seemed too vague to really have any effect on me.

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece,
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the desiese.

Favorite verse. Especially the third line being where it is in the song. Keep up the good songwriting. Oh and I really liked the pace of your song in general.
The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can.
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
And long ago somebody left with the cup,
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns...
#9
[This is meant almost as a breakdown]
Why is my only dream,
of my hands so red;
stained dark from the blood,
of one who is not dead.

the only thing for me is that this seemed a little out of place, almost like it was added as an after thought. i think if you go back and revise this a little, maybe make it more descriptive or give it a little more imagery then it'll be fine.

ta for the crit on mine
Who decided that pie would be sold on Tuesday but not Wednesday?
#12
[Mellow, slowly]
I've done this all before
(same old thing, different day).
I need something more
(somehow, someway).

I like the concept of this stanza it really grabs my attention.

[Faster paced]
I'm finding nothing new,
day after ****ing day!
I need something more,
before I rot away!

this part flows nicely from the first

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
That's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, SEISE!

as was stated somewhere above, I think you should change the to this. Other than that, its a nice chorus.

[Mellow, slowly]
Why does my life show no meaning
(no point, no goal).
Why does no one see I'm bleeding
(So sore, no soul).

nice. This is my favourite part.

[Faster paced]
Why don't you try to help me,
why don't you lend a hand,
what is it you don't get,
what don't you understand.

the rhyming here seems kind of forced. I think its ok thought.

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece,
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the desiese.

[This is meant almost as a breakdown]
Why is my only dream,
of my hands so red;
stained dark from the blood,
of one who is not dead.

this part is confusing. I think it needs to be redone. It doesn't really flow with the rest of the song.

[Scream]
IF I AM PURE,
WHY DO I FEEL...
SO STAINED!

Good part to scream.
[Instrumental part]

[Faster]
My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, siese!
[End abruptly]

--------------------------------
Overall, I liked it. I can just picture chester screaming it out over a heavy riff. Nice job. I'd say 8/10 just because the bridge doesn't work for me. Other than that, good work. And thanks for the crit.
#13
Thanks. I meant the breakdown to be abrupt, but maybe it is a little too much so... one thing I thought you would know though; who does the screaming in Linkin Park? Is that Todd Shinoda? I though Chester did most of it?
#15
That's what I thought. The breakdown isn't meant to be complete metal, it's meant to be almost like what Linkin Park does; maybe a little more aggressive, but close.

Edit: I thought your post said "I just can't" picture chester screaming, instead of "I just can"
Last edited by herby190 at Oct 9, 2008,
#16
First off after reading this, You're right - this really is in the style of Linkin Park (no ass-kissing here - you're right)

[Mellow, slowly]
I've done this all before
(same old thing, different day).
I need something more
(somehow, someway).

Seems like a good introduction - i like the way the () lines repeat the sentiments of the previous lines

[Faster paced]
I'm finding nothing new,
day after ****ing day!
I need something more,
before I rot away!
I appreciate the elaboration of the first verse - really gets the apathy across

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
That's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, SEISE!
Interesting how "rebuilding it piece by piece" contrasts with "before i rot away" from the previous verse - nice change of time or point of view. Is the disease the rotting?

[Mellow, slowly]
Why does my life show no meaning
(no point, no goal).
Why does no one see I'm bleeding
(So sore, no soul).
I like how you advance the character by moving from the statement to the self analysis, and the repetition of sentiments by the () lines.

[Faster paced]
Why don't you try to help me,
why don't you lend a hand,
what is it you don't get,
what don't you understand.
So, does the character now realize he can't fight his apathy (and possible depression) and is begging for help? The sentiments remind me of 'Faint' (to keep with the Linkin Park theme

My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece,
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the desiese.
The continual advancement of character makes the song seem much closer to a narrative as a statement, but interesting all the same that this verse is used as a chorus to come back to the original problem

[This is meant almost as a breakdown]
Why is my only dream,
of my hands so red;
stained dark from the blood,
of one who is not dead.
Everything okay so far - but i'm curious as to why there is blood on the characters hand of one who is not dead - is it a metaphor about him/herself referring to self-destructive behavior? (Nice hook in with the first verse BTW) A little elaboration on this would be nice.

[Scream]
IF I AM PURE,
WHY DO I FEEL...
SO STAINED!
The screaming seems to become necessary after the breakdown - really gets the frustration across that he/her cannot change their situation without help.

[Instrumental part]
Nothing wrong here - everyone needs a good instrumental part sometimes

[Faster]
My life needs new direction,
I'll rebuild it piece by piece;
that's what I tell myself,
to ward off the, dei, siese!
If i were you when you do the song get "Disease" to be screamed...
[End abruptly]

So, on a final note - I think the way that the chorus is the character admitting he has a problem with his life is an interesting concept - particularly when the verses in between represent different stages of the problem.

Reading through the lyrics i could almost hear the song and you're right - it really is something that Linkin Park could do - particularly with the two voices you have (the () lines and normal lines) and the screaming - i could hear Chester doing this.

A couple of things i didn't like...
I thought that it all seemed a little bit choppy - i know this isn't much use, but i think it might be something to do with the shortness of the verses - they just didn't seem to mesh.

Even though it is a good lyric - it still seems a little bit vague - you might want to elaborate and make it a little more specific. Almost seems as if this is just something you wrote without experiencing it or anything... (sorry if that isn't the case - just my opinion)

On the side - if i'm being too harsh or picking up on stuff that isn't there - it's because i'm in the middle of an IB literature course which focuses on analyzing poems and really going haywire on the analysis and hidden meaning, so i apologize in advance!

Hope this helps!
Originally Posted by venom0014
yeaaaaa, i love you zenmaestro in a non gay way

^Of course Venom, everybody does.

Originally Posted by Will_Minus
This guy knows the score.

You see? Someone knows the score.
#17
Actually, most of my writing is done without having experienced the topic, but I can usually make it convincing enough that people believe I have. And don't worry about being to harsh; that's the only way I'll know what's wrong.
#18
You really do have a good song here... nothing i can really critique about it that hasn't already been said... It really did have a Linkin Park vibe to it as I read it. Well done.
#19
I don't think there's anything I can say that hasn't been said before. The screaming part is absolutely fantastic, but the stanza about the "blood of one who is not dead" kinda throws me a little bit. Overall, a pretty good piece. And thanks for the crit on "Comatose" by the way.
#21
I like it, and the part during the beginning when it shouts, "dei, SEISE" I'm assuming you mean, diesease? I thought it was French or something at first. Good piece though. I can imagine maybe the Offspring doing it, but a Linkin Park sound is good though.
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