#1
this was one of the first songs I ever wrote. It's not my best its just kind of nostalgic. crit4crit thanks in advance


We slept underwater
Lips almost sautered
we breathed through our nose

Our lungs overflowing
what a picturesque showing
beautiful as a rose

Please give me exemption
But **** your redemption
My show is a hit

I'm a compulsive liar
a arsonist, and a friar
with razor blades for wit

And never shall I quit

Now cigarettes make my bed
empty bottles support my head
But my comforter is pristine

The perfect smokescreen

Through my bloodstained tears
I see their cheers
they're all so genuine!

Through all my skills
and performance pills
they know that I'm divine

Red and blue flashing lights
to display their delight
My personal guard escorts me out

To protect me from crazed fans
and their fantasies and plans
my fans begin to pout

This was an amazing bout

Now tubes run down my throat
and my mind begins to float
but the paddles fail to rouse me

I still hear my fans scream loudly
"I is another." - Rimbaud
#2
Great imagery. I like the irony and you presented it well; it's not too wordy and says what it needs to say.
#3
Must say I liked this It was enjoyable and the imagery was very well presented

Nice job on this one
Write it down.
#4
Some great lines, but overall the message and theme is very muddled and confusing. Keep writing, but I wasn't a fan of this one. You have potential, keep digging.
#5
We slept underwater
Lips almost sautered Sautered is an amazing word and not used nearly enough
we breathed through our nose

Our lungs overflowing
what a picturesque showing
beautiful as a rose this was the only line of the entier thing that I didnt really like. idk why tho.
Please give me exemption
But **** your redemption
My show is a hit Kind of unexpected. I loved it. Simple to the point. Makes you wanna keep reading.

I'm a compulsive liar
a arsonist, and a friar
with razor blades for wit
I loved these three lines so much. They made me jealous.

And never shall I quit

Now cigarettes make my bed
empty bottles support my head great line
But my comforter is pristine

The perfect smokescreen

Through my bloodstained tears
I see their cheers
they're all so genuine!

Through all my skills
and performance pills
they know that I'm divine

Red and blue flashing lights
to display their delight
My personal guard escorts me out

To protect me from crazed fans
and their fantasies and plans
my fans begin to pout

This was an amazing bout

Nice conclusion.
Now tubes run down my throat
and my mind begins to float
but the paddles fail to rouse me

I still hear my fans scream loudly


Overall I really liked it. For a first peice.....it's really good. God i don't even wanna think abour some of my first peices lol. Nice job.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#6
Great imagery as said before a few times, and nice flow. Definately a great job, loved the cigarette empty bottle lines. C4C? King of Swine is the name. Still on the first page. Great joba gain man, keep this up and you have a reader.
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded