#1
How long should I stay, should I wait
To soak into your skin
To melt, to lace
Into your soul within
'Cause it's such a warm place to be
But there's no space
Just a smile on your face

Oh you seem to be the brightest thing that's on my mind
But everytime I try to taste the shine
I remember you can't hold light
It kills me inside

This empty hole, this void
Is wrapped up in your air
The glow of times that aren't even there
And I'm such a fool for you, I swear
Oh I'm hung up on your bittersweet prose

Oh you seem to be the brightest thing that's on my mind
But everytime I try to taste the shine
I remember you can't hold light
It kills me inside

I'll wait, I'll wait
For you, oh babe
I'll stall the stars
I'll stall my heart
And I'll dive into that smile of your's, a feeling that I can't afford
With anything other than my soul


Sounds kind of silly typed out. It's also pretty old.
Last edited by vintage x metal at Oct 6, 2008,
#2
Very Deep, I must say I liked it.
Oh you seem to be the brightest thing that's on my mind
But everytime I try to taste the shine
I remember you can't hold light
It kills me inside


I must say I like that. The thought of someone not being able to "hold light" , puzzles me !
Nice !


I liked everything until the last verse.
I'll wait, I'll wait
For you, oh babe
I'll stall the stars
I'll stall my heart

I think It could have been just as good with that part left out ^ !

Just my 2 cents

Later !
Write it down.
#3
Despite the fact that you have a few original and neat ideas sprawled throughout this, it still reeks of typical love imagery. This is the type of thing that when you write it, it needs to be revolutionary or it is going to be seen as "just another love song." Which is what, in the end, this was.

It was a solid attempt and had some thoroughly enjoyable ideas... but the "hold light" stanza was just... dumb. I'm sorry... I'm just speaking my mind... I can appreciate some "out there imagery" if you set hte mood for it. But you haven't here... you have the entire piece grounded in a reality and to throw in that type of line just ruins that mood. It's like adding a stoner sublime line to the end of a catchy nickelback chorus... everyone looks around and goes, what the hell? I think you know what I mean, if not PM me and I'll try to explain better.

This shows a lot of potential... as it already demonstrates that you are capable of taking a cliche topic and taking a neat spin on it... it just feels underdeveloped to be honest... which can only be fixed with practice. I hope that all makes sense. I don't mean any of this to be mean... just to help.

-zC


(If you could return the favor and comment on Solstice (link in sig), I'd appreciated it.)